Can you be romantic without a romantic partner?

Can you be romantic without a romantic partner?


romance – noun (rəˈmæns ; ˈrəʊmæns)

* a love affair, esp. an intense and happy but short-lived affair involving young people
* love, esp. romantic love – idealized for its purity or beauty
* a spirit of or inclination for adventure, excitement, or mystery

The other day, one of my clients and I were working together to help her identify her top 5 values. Values identification is one of the very first coaching exercises all of my clients go through because our values form the foundations of our lives; to live in “right relationship” with our selves, we must be congruent with them.

One of her top 5 values stopped me in my tracks.

Can you guess what it was?

Bingo! You’re right – it was ROMANCE.

Uh.. yeah, No. You don't need this to honor romance in your life.

Uh.. yeah, No. You don’t need this to honor romance in your life.

When I saw that, I had to challenge her a little bit on what this truly meant to her because when most people think of romance, they think of it in terms of having a romantic, sexual partner. While this is totally understandable, given our society’s tendency to lump sex with romance, it can lead into a trap … here’s why.

To live a life we are totally energized by and engaged with, we must learn to honor our top 5 values on a daily basis … and we need to find the independence within that allows us to honor them, regardless of outside circumstances. When we rely on a romantic partner to satisfy any of our top values, we jeopardize our own fulfillment because we are at the mercy of someone else.

We often don’t recognize that it’s our job to meet our own needs and honor our own values. This is what I mean when I talk about being The Chooser or the Architect of our lives. It’s the lack of taking responsibility that has lead us to become a society overly obsessed with finding that one perfect person and partnering up — so much so that we’ve forgotten how to love in other ways. You know, without a romantic partner.

Surprise! Romance is not actually synonymous with sexual feelings! (Although most people use it as a way to elicit those feelings.) Not only is the feeling of romance not dependent on romantic or sexual feelings, it doesn’t have to happen with a partner. (And geez, watch what you’re thinking!!)

Romance is about enjoying spending time with someone, enjoying their company. Romance is about emotional intimacy, caring and concern.

You can enjoy that fuzzy feeling in all sorts of ways. When we think of romance in a non-sexual way, and fall in love with our lives, we’re really allowing ourselves to experience a spirit of or inclination for adventure or excitement.

So if romance is important to you in your life, and you’re ready to create it in your life, read on for eight exciting, unique opportunities to experience ROMANCE in a new way.

  1. best friend dogYour dog, cat, horse, bird or other pet.

All creatures great and small have love and affection to give, and your pet is no exception. And besides, our pets’ love is unconditional, whereas some people can run either hot or cold while still others find it nearly impossible to give that sort of love. You know your favorite furball will love you even on your worst days.

  1. Your children.

Granted, it may be harder to fall in love with your children when they refuse to clean up after themselves, are giving you a hard time about curfew or what have you… yet wait a few years and the feeling may come back. If you don’t have children, perhaps there is a special child in your life, like a niece or a nephew or your best friend’s kids, that you can lavish with attention. (I know that’s what I do with my niece.)

  1. best friend girlsYour best friend.

When was the last time you allowed yourself to truly and deeply appreciate your dearest friend(s)? When was the last time you renewed your vows of deep friendship? I know that when I express my appreciation to my dearest friends, it lights up their day and in turn, it lights up mine.

  1. Your favorite author, actor, artist, or athlete.

No, this doesn’t mean you have permission to stalk them or harbor any delusions that they love you back. And no, it’s not all about worshipping celebrities. It’s about discovering what you enjoy about their work. Try to think on a local level, too – there are all kinds of local artists pretty much everywhere who would love to hear some honest-to-goodness praise of their work.

  1. Your favorite family member who makes you feel loved and special.

Small gestures mean a lot. I know that when my niece insists that I sit next to her at our family holiday dinners, I feel beams of love emanating from my heart. Maybe you can do something similar with a beloved family member that causes their heart to burst with joy.

  1. Your work and career.

Yes, some people really do fall in love with the work they do and the difference they make in their world. I know many who are crazy about their profession. Loving your career can be one of the most rewarding and fruitful things you do. Not wild about your career? It’s time we work together to make some changes in your life!

  1. romance red_natureNature.

When we engage with Nature, we open the door to our intelligence, notice the lessons to be learned, and see that everything has its own purpose, rhythm and balance. We learn from Nature about how to truly be who we are — that is, to be in full and open self-expression. Nature also gives us an easy and powerful way to work in the realm of soul ~ even a small amount of time in Nature can awaken the Sacred within. Engaging with Nature is about opening to the possibility that the entire universe is a resource for growth.

  1. Your life and life itself.

If you can fall in love with life — your life — then you’ll live each day with a full and open heart. Doesn’t that sound wonderful?

“Survey Says!”…dating & relationship statistics

Attitudes Dating Dating Skills Fulfillment Goals Planning Relationships Solutions Women

Because I am a research geek (I love surveys and statistics), I was cruising around the interwebs, looking to see if I could find any recent stats on Singles in the U.S. I found a site that I’ve now bookmarked,, just in case I have the urge to know more about how many people visit national parks and things like that. They did have a pretty cool table that highlighted findings from a survey chronicled in a book called Sex in America, A Definitive Survey. As you can surmise, researchers like clarity, even in their book titles. I’m summarizing the stats that I found super-interesting here – some of which I think you should consider as you map out your scouting strategies – and of course, Continue reading

Is your current relationship the right one for you?

Attitudes Dating Dating Skills Fulfillment Requirements Solutions Success

From The Chooser files, an assessment

The other night I hosted a webinar on Being the Chooser – a new paradigm for attracting the extraordinary.

(FYI: I also use the words Creator and Architect interchangeably for the word Chooser – it all refers to the same thing: taking the initiative to create what you want, taking full responsibility for your outcomes and making choices mindful of their long-term consequences…. In other words, think about what you want for yourself in your life. A fulfilling relationship? Success in your career? Financial serenity? Whatever your aims are, to get what you want, you must be the Chooser.)

Continue reading

10 Commandments of Attracting Extraordinary Relationships

Attitudes Dating Dating Skills Dreams Fulfillment Relationships Requirements Self Discovery Success
Just say no to "meh"

Just say no to “meh”

Interested in attracting the extraordinary? Not satisfied with “meh” (or worse, destructive) relationships? Congratulations – and welcome to Empowered Dating & Relationships, a new paradigm. I do not believe – not for one second – that we need to settle for anything less than the very best in our lives. I think that men and women alike can come together from this space of empowerment and vitality and learn to co-create relationships that are uplifting, exciting and Continue reading

Are you caught in a trap?

Dating Dating Skills Relationships Solutions Success Uncategorized

Register for all the major online dating sites – Check.
Go to singles mixers – Check.
Ask friends to help scout – Check.
Go out on a bunch of dates and come home frustrated and dismayed – Check.

What exactly is going wrong? If you’re like me, it could very well be that you’ve fallen into one of these common dating traps. Continue reading

Age is just a number

Attitudes Dating Dating Skills Goals Relationships Requirements Self Discovery

Maybe the youngsters are right.

As a dating and relationship coach is who is also single, I’m walking my talk – and using online dating services to meet people since I live in a non-bustling area along the Jersey coastline. Even though my search criteria states that I’m looking for a relationship with someone between a certain age range, I consistently get email queries from young men who are way, way below that range. Many of them like to use the line: Age is just a number. And maybe they’re right (to a certain extent – Continue reading

What are your top 6 requirements in a relationship?

Dating Dating Skills Goals Relationships Requirements Self Discovery

They might not be what you think.

Couple in fieldMany relationships fail because, despite the initial intense chemistry and attraction, the couple is just not compatible. As they get to know each other more intimately, they realize they have different values, life goals, and relationship criteria. For partners to be compatible, they MUST BOTH have similar values and goals and have their relationship criteria met.

I know that for me, identifying my relationship requirements was Continue reading

And bad mistakes, I’ve made a few …

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Dating & Relationship Lessons I’ve learned along the way

I’m a firm believer in walking my talk so I thought I would share with you some insight, and key learnings, that I’ve uncovered as a result of my many years of making dating and relationship mistakes, as well as a result of going through my relationship coaching certification training. I’m sharing this with you because, in honesty, what I’ve learned has completely radicalized my approach to dating and relationships. I’m pretty darned sure that this will help you, too. Continue reading

Does the Thought of Speed Dating Fill You with Anxiety, Panic, Confusion?

Courage Dating Skills Dreams Fulfillment Planning Relationships Requirements Solutions Success

New Tips to Prepare You for Fun and Enjoyment Instead

speed dating coupleI’m creating a Speed Dating event (not your run of the mill Speed Dating event, mind you), with my friend, Cassie, of Cassie’s Calendar and the key organizer of the Single and Looking in NJ meet up group and I have been thinking about the feedback I’ve been getting from friends and clients about the viability of such events.

In my heart of hearts, I believe in the power of speed dating events. We are all active professionals, busy with our kick-a$$ careers and our families, sometimes with Continue reading

Zen Dating for the Empowered Culture

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values--once you know your values, life is easy copyIf you’ve taken my webinars, you’ve heard me talk about how important it is to identify your top 5 to 10 values – what you feel is of paramount importance to you. These values form the basis of your relationship requirements and help guide you in terms of where you look for a committed relationship and what you want to experience in one. Your values also give you insight as to knowing when to fold ’em and walk away.

And you probably remember me Continue reading