Misery buster: Stop comparing your life to others

Misery buster: Stop comparing your life to others

Self Esteem Success

Comparison is the thief of joy – Teddy Roosevelt

Because I believe in “doing well” in my life and in my career, I recently joined a prosperity mindset group, thinking that I could use some support as I incline my mind toward abundance. Every day I read about other people’s positive evidences, the tangible proof as the group members begin to grow and expand and manifest.

Some of these positive evidences have been mind-boggling big, such as one woman’s attendance at a networking event and walking away with three new clients. I mean, WOW.

Comparison Envy

Her plant is bigger than my plant. What the heck?

Yet I’ve been noticing something that’s been happening frequently these days. Every time I read other people’s positive evidence, I began to fall into an age-old trap –The Comparison Trap. Every time I read their statements, I started to think:  What’s wrong with me? How is it that they are experiencing such rapid manifestation? … and I then would sink into dismay.

We ALL fall into this trap – I often hear this from many of my clients as well as friends and peers. For instance, a friend of mine was recounting the time when he was invited to a party at a big warehouse in Brooklyn, along the waterfront in Williamsburg. He was having a great time enjoying the smooth jazz, box wine and delicious hors d’oeuvres, all while talking with people who were dynamic and intelligent and worldly – just the kind of people he loves talking with. Later in the evening he noticed a steady parade of well-heeled people slide past and disappear into another room. He peeked and saw a large party with beautiful revelers dancing and carrying on like Bacchus. Suddenly he was seized by despair, thinking that his gig wasn’t as fun as it had been all because it didn’t appear to measure up to the party next door- a party he didn’t even know existed until just moments before.

I think single people are more prone to this trap because we have the added pressure of thinking that there’s something wrong with us that we’re not in a relationship. We’re already dealing with feelings of “less-than”.


Green-eyed monster will eat your brains.

And our consumer culture is built on this comparison trap and our feelings of dismay and envy. It’s like a cultural institution because that is the prime motivation for selling lots and lots of “stuff”.

The thing is, comparing ourselves to others in anything, whether spiritual growth, business, weight, finances, relationships, appearance, and bling, isn’t useful.  Every time you look at something and feel less than, your energy becomes lower and you cut off your ability to attract the very thing you want to achieve. Comparison doesn’t do anything of value. So therefore, the most transformational changes that we hope to make really HAVE to start on the inner level, working with our subconscious limiting beliefs and inner critic, learning to trust ourselves and feel good about our lives.

Also, remember to not always believe what you see. In the cases where people are talking about the great things that are happening in their lives, we need to recognize that people aren’t often open to sharing their challenges. You only know what people present as a persona. I always explain to people when they are comparing themselves to others, that you don’t really know what’s going on for them.

SO the next time you find yourself saying things like “Mary has a bigger car,” or “Sarah gets all the lucky breaks”, or “Tom has more money,” or “Jeff is better looking”… just remember to Snap Out of It! Focus on the things that are going well in your life and if you want MORE, allow yourself to do the necessary work to achieve it.

What are men looking for in a relationship?

Relationships Solutions Success Uncategorized

I’ve lately been talking with some women who are in a whirl over “how to understand men.” Some of them don verbal grenade launchers when they start talking about guys, while others wring their hands, urgently and anxiously trying to figure out the Masculine Mysteries.

When I’m coaching people, I generally redirect my clients’ attention back to themselves because I find that fulfillment is not about changing other people’s behaviors to suit us, or trying to figure out what motivates others. In my experience, fulfillment is about discovering Continue reading

Age is just a number

Attitudes Dating Dating Skills Goals Relationships Requirements Self Discovery

Maybe the youngsters are right.

As a dating and relationship coach is who is also single, I’m walking my talk – and using online dating services to meet people since I live in a non-bustling area along the Jersey coastline. Even though my search criteria states that I’m looking for a relationship with someone between a certain age range, I consistently get email queries from young men who are way, way below that range. Many of them like to use the line: Age is just a number. And maybe they’re right (to a certain extent – Continue reading

Got self-esteem?

Attitudes Dreams Fulfillment Goals Relationships Self Esteem Success Uncategorized

Or, to paraphrase Sally Field: “I like me! Right now, I like me!”

Anyone who reads my blog posts, or sits in on my webinars, consistently hears me say: Know Thyself … and … Be Your True Self (<– 5 Essential Principles for Dating Bliss). The underlying thread here is that knowing yourself leads to self-acceptance, and when you accept yourself, you can be true to yourself, and not sacrifice yourself on the altar of desperation and self-loathing. (How’s that for drama?) You’ll make much better choices if you have healthy self-regard. This seems to be a “DUH!” statement but boy oh boy, our world is chock full of people who berate themselves, who are unaware of their sabotaging beliefs, and thus deny themselves their full potential. In other words, This Is A Biggie. There is no true success Continue reading

How susceptible are you to Negging?

Dating Dating Skills Relationships Self Esteem Solutions Uncategorized

Or, the perils of low self-esteem and dating.

To love thyself is the beginningFound some research the other day, courtesy of Psychology Today, about the effects insults have on attracting partners – as illustrated via a technique known as “negging”* in the Pick Up artist world. Apparently, lowering someone’s self-esteem does indeed make him or her more compliant and more inclined to accept romantic advances. Take a look at the study results: Continue reading

Positive Mindset Pt. 4: Turn that Frown Upside Down

Attitudes Dating Fulfillment Relationships Self Esteem Spiritual Laws Success Uncategorized

Or, Polly Anna has just left the building.

In their book, How We Choose to Be Happy, Rick Foster and Greg Hicks point out that truly happy people deal with their sorrows by choosing to feel their feelings and somehow finding meaning in the situation. In essence, we can use our circumstances Continue reading

Positive Mindset Pt. 3: The False Allure of Relentless Positivity

Attitudes Fulfillment Self Esteem Solutions Spiritual Laws

 Or, avoid becoming a Stepford Wife

In this post, I want to re-emphasize how important it is to “look on the bright side of life” while at the same time diverging from the popular “adopt a positive attitude” approach that has permeated today’s zeitgeist. As someone who practices Coaching for Transformation, I want to focus on alchemical change – which means that to get to the good stuff, we move through the crappy stuff so you can be FREE. The only way out is through. Continue reading

Ask The Coach pt 3: How to be approachable

Ask The Coach pt 3: How to be approachable

Ask the Coach Dating Skills Fulfillment Self Esteem Self-Acceptance

What’s a single woman to do?

You want to remain open and be approachable yet you can’t help but put walls up.

I had a client, I’ll dub Mary out of respect for privacy, reach out to me to ask that question. “I want to be in a relationship, but every time a guy talks to me, no matter what he says, I get defensive.”

Man, can I relate. I remember there was a period where I wanted to fling daggers at any guy who tried to “chat me up”. Not exactly the right kind of attitude for me to adopt, given the fact that I wanted to find a romantic partner.

With this in mind, we set about coaching her through this feeling. After exploring with her for a while, it became apparent that she had trouble trusting, and was Continue reading

Why Can’t You Be Nicer?

Ask the Coach Dating Dating Skills Relationships Uncategorized

It’s time for …  Ask the Coach.

Oh, thank you – you’re too kind – please, no applause, just throw money.

I received an email the other day that essentially asked: “Why can’t women be more approachable? And can you create programs that teach them how to be?” I then Continue reading

Got Confidence? What Kickstarter’s Recent Scandal Teaches Us

Courage Dating Self Esteem Self-Acceptance

Good riddance to bad pick up techniques.

I’ve been reading about the kerfuffle that Kickstarter provoked by inadvertently allowing a misogynist to fundraise for a book (under the guise of pick up artistry) that instructs men to forcefully touch and otherwise pressure women into having sex. At first I was enraged – there is nothing that gets me more riled than violence (of any kind) against women … and then I was grieved to read that this project exceeded its fundraising goal by a huge percent. Ultimately it got me thinking about a sticky subject: pick up artists. Continue reading