Acceptance: You are who you are

Acceptance: You are who you are

Attitudes Self-Acceptance

Wherever you are on your path of self-actualization

Now that the weather has turned colder, it’s time to get ready for winter. On a deeper level, this is an opportunity to start preparing for hibernation, or the “dream-time” as I like to call it in my spiritual practice. This is the time when we start to go inward, literally and figuratively, to examine who we are, where we are and why we’re here.

This morning I was engaged with one of my more superficial fall rituals – swapping out my summer clothes for my warmer clothes – yet it always provides me an opportunity to reflect. As I was washing my tank tops and linen pants, I came across a few halter tops that I remember buying specifically to please my most recent ex-boyfriend. To him, despite all of my positive attributes, I was not sexy enough for him plus he had a particular obsession with women in halter tops. As I held them in my hand, I realized that I have never worn them since we broke up. In fact, I would never have purchased them in the first place, if he didn’t harp on me to dress sexier.

I then began to reflect on how else I sacrificed my Self just to secure the attentions of romantic flash-gordonpartners. Like the one time a boyfriend told me he would prefer me better if I had really short hair. I then had my curls all chopped off. Or the time this same boyfriend said that I would look better as a blonde (this was before I went completely grey). I then promptly had my hair dyed blonde, which destroyed my scalp and, coupled with my short-cropped hair, made me look like Flash Gordon.

This is all cosmetic stuff, I know, but the point is that I allowed myself to feel that I was not good enough. To maintain their attention and affection, I had to change. These actions were symptomatic of my lack of self-esteem. And over time, my unacknowledged resentment built up until my reactions to people who commented on my looks became venomous.

I mention this because all of my inner work these past five years has been about reclaiming myself. About stepping into my own power, and not sacrificing myself just because a romantic partner says so. This sacrifice is very prevalent in women in general — I see it quite frequently and is the primary reason why I always include self-esteem work in all of my coaching programs. Where, in your own life, could you be more accepting of yourself? Are you honoring your own path and being true to yourself?

Value Acceptance

Popeye as Zen master?

Popeye as Zen master?

On the flip side, I also see people demanding that their partners change in one way or another. It’s one of the biggest traps people fall into -thinking that if the partner could only embody this attribute or look a certain way, then that partner would measure up to standards and they would be happy. This is why my coaching programs help people focus on themselves, rather than trying to change others. We empower ourselves when we shift attention away from how others live, and place our awareness on our own lives. How can you let go of wanting to change others? What would happen if you were at peace with how things are right now? When we take the time to look within, it becomes easier to stay centered in who we are and accept, no matter what the path, that we are all essentially the same.

I hope that you too will get to this place of reclaiming.

 

Let’s Bust the Valentine’s Day Blues

Attitudes Courage Dating Dreams Fulfillment Planning Self Discovery Self Esteem Solutions

Back in the day when I was a relationship train-wreck, before I started to get my sh*t together about my self-esteem and intimacy issues, I used to despise Valentine’s Day, and all its reminders about romance and being in love and all those ads where pretty gals were surprised and delighted to be presented beautiful diamond engagement rings by handsome dudes. I used to hang black crepe paper ribbons in my work cubicle, wear all black, and regard the day as a day of mourning. I used to range emotionally from seething to despair around this time of year. I know I am (was) not alone – I talk to many singles now who regard Valentine’s Day as an unwelcome reminder of their “alone-ness” and longing for a loving connection. Continue reading

Got self-esteem?

Attitudes Dreams Fulfillment Goals Relationships Self Esteem Success Uncategorized

Or, to paraphrase Sally Field: “I like me! Right now, I like me!”

Anyone who reads my blog posts, or sits in on my webinars, consistently hears me say: Know Thyself … and … Be Your True Self (<– 5 Essential Principles for Dating Bliss). The underlying thread here is that knowing yourself leads to self-acceptance, and when you accept yourself, you can be true to yourself, and not sacrifice yourself on the altar of desperation and self-loathing. (How’s that for drama?) You’ll make much better choices if you have healthy self-regard. This seems to be a “DUH!” statement but boy oh boy, our world is chock full of people who berate themselves, who are unaware of their sabotaging beliefs, and thus deny themselves their full potential. In other words, This Is A Biggie. There is no true success Continue reading

How susceptible are you to Negging?

Dating Dating Skills Relationships Self Esteem Solutions Uncategorized

Or, the perils of low self-esteem and dating.

To love thyself is the beginningFound some research the other day, courtesy of Psychology Today, about the effects insults have on attracting partners – as illustrated via a technique known as “negging”* in the Pick Up artist world. Apparently, lowering someone’s self-esteem does indeed make him or her more compliant and more inclined to accept romantic advances. Take a look at the study results: Continue reading

Zen Dating for the Empowered Culture

Dating Fulfillment Relationships Requirements Solutions Success

values--once you know your values, life is easy copyIf you’ve taken my webinars, you’ve heard me talk about how important it is to identify your top 5 to 10 values – what you feel is of paramount importance to you. These values form the basis of your relationship requirements and help guide you in terms of where you look for a committed relationship and what you want to experience in one. Your values also give you insight as to knowing when to fold ’em and walk away.

And you probably remember me Continue reading

Positive Mindset Pt. 4: Turn that Frown Upside Down

Attitudes Dating Fulfillment Relationships Self Esteem Spiritual Laws Success Uncategorized

Or, Polly Anna has just left the building.

In their book, How We Choose to Be Happy, Rick Foster and Greg Hicks point out that truly happy people deal with their sorrows by choosing to feel their feelings and somehow finding meaning in the situation. In essence, we can use our circumstances Continue reading

Positive Mindset Pt. 3: The False Allure of Relentless Positivity

Attitudes Fulfillment Self Esteem Solutions Spiritual Laws

 Or, avoid becoming a Stepford Wife

In this post, I want to re-emphasize how important it is to “look on the bright side of life” while at the same time diverging from the popular “adopt a positive attitude” approach that has permeated today’s zeitgeist. As someone who practices Coaching for Transformation, I want to focus on alchemical change – which means that to get to the good stuff, we move through the crappy stuff so you can be FREE. The only way out is through. Continue reading

Got Confidence? What Kickstarter’s Recent Scandal Teaches Us

Courage Dating Self Esteem Self-Acceptance

Good riddance to bad pick up techniques.

I’ve been reading about the kerfuffle that Kickstarter provoked by inadvertently allowing a misogynist to fundraise for a book (under the guise of pick up artistry) that instructs men to forcefully touch and otherwise pressure women into having sex. At first I was enraged – there is nothing that gets me more riled than violence (of any kind) against women … and then I was grieved to read that this project exceeded its fundraising goal by a huge percent. Ultimately it got me thinking about a sticky subject: pick up artists. Continue reading