Ask the Coach: Should I give up looking?

Ask the Coach: Should I give up looking?

Ask the Coach

I can’t find that special someone

Coach Linda,

I’m not sure what to do here. I’m 41 and never married. I’m a nice guy, but I’ve never found that special someone. I consider myself attractive and intelligent and so do my friends. I’m employed, pretty social, am active in several community groups and am always going out to different events featured on Meet up. I would love to be dating someone but it’s such a struggle. I have a hard time finding available single women. I find the bar scene and online dating are not my thing, so what do I do?

Lately, I’ve been thinking that I’d rather give up looking for something I’ll never find anyway, and just stay single and alone for the rest of my life.

What do you think?

~Tony

searching_for_love koichigotikoTony, I know how frustrating it can be when you want someone special in your life and you haven’t found her (or him) yet. Sometimes it may feel easier to just give up looking. This is something that I still grapple with myself at times…despite all the dating and relationship coaching tools at my disposal, sometimes I feel that this process is like looking for a needle in a haystack.

The thing is, if you and I were to give up, in our hearts we know we would be disappointed. We all deserve to have the love we want. The trick is to approach the process intelligently and intentionally, balancing our desire for an extraordinary relationship with living an extraordinary life. Like all things in life, if we fail to plan, we plan to fail.

Let’s look at a few things a bit more in-depth, starting with some of your foundational beliefs.

One of the first things that jumped out at me from your question is that you probably think that you should have found that special someone by the time you reach your 40s. The unadulterated truth is that most people haven’t (even if they are married!). A good 50% of today’s couples are headed for a divorce; another 40% don’t have the information or education they need to create a frickin fantastic relationship (and aren’t looking for that information either). Just because someone is married, doesn’t mean a dang thing.

Perhaps you believe that finding true love should be easy. Nothing could be further from the truth. It takes hard work to find special love, and hard work to keep it. This is why it pays to be intelligent and intentional in your life.

What also struck me is that you are engaging in some negative thinking and self-talk. Don’t get me wrong – we all have an inner critic that loves to point out all the negative things in our lives. For instance, most of us tell ourselves every day we can do this or can’t do such and such. In your case, you stated that it’s a struggle to date, you never meet anyone and you don’t attract single women.

We have to be careful what we say to ourselves since what we focus on, expands. Our success and happiness in any area of life begins within us. The vibes we send out are immediately subconsciously picked up by others, and create a self-fulfilling purpose. It sounds like your vibes may be screaming, “I’m getting desperate because I think I’m getting old,” or “I’m a loser in the dating arena.” When we tell ourselves a million times that something is difficult, it subsequently becomes a rock-hard belief that makes the task or situation much more difficult than it really is.

It also appears you have no plan in place to meet that special someone, which is a common singles problem.

Your Homework Assignments

First, if you find yourself suffering from stinkin’ thinkin’, repeat after me: “I AM A GREAT CATCH.” Because you are! And a great woman will love you, for you, if you apply the right kind of effort to your search. And to be truthful, my Become Successfully Single and Relationship Ready coaching programs – either home study or VIP intensive – are designed to help you do just that. If you’re out there in the world and you’re not getting the results you want, then it’s time for you to get serious about your approach. Email me HERE to set up a time for us to talk about getting you enrolled.

Next, here are six tips to get you started.

#1 – You mentioned, ” … it’s a struggle.” Make a list of what those struggles are. As you reveal each struggle, ask yourself, “What are my responsibilities in this?”, “What could I contribute to help myself in this situation?” and “If I could do this again, what would I do differently?”

#2 – Love, inside out. Spend quality time getting to know yourself in relation to relationships. And, if there are areas to work on, like removing bad habits, negative assumptions and fear, work toward mending and healing. Phase out the unnecessary that inhibits your confidence, and nurture the lovely that your friends and family embrace about you.

Part of this process, which is what we cover together in my coaching programs, is identifying your top values, relationship requirements, and what you really want in a relationship. What most don’t realize is that you must be clear on what is it, exactly, that you are looking for in a relationship, and what type of person it will take to co-create it with you.

#3 – Positive mental imagery. Mentally envisioning successful outcomes will help train your mind to believe in attaining those goals. Olympians practice this exercise to achieve their successes. Through trial and error, they maximize their abilities envisioning their goals. Why shouldn’t you? Imagine your successes in meeting, dating and having a healthy relationship, and go for your own gold!

Sorry, I had to.

Sorry, I had to include this image. 🙂

#4 – Eliminate ‘either/or’ thinking. There are many choices other than your black-and-white options of “that special someone” or “stay single and alone”. Why not have several casual special someones and enjoy life until Miss Ultimately Special shows up? I’m not suggesting you play the field or get overly emotionally invested in several people but there’s nothing wrong in getting to know people.

#5 Employ smart strategies. Ask friends to introduce you to women they know. Join civic organizations that interest you and will benefit the community and also allow you to meet women. Experiment outside your comfort zone perhaps including other cities, other cultures, other countries, and yes, even virtual universes (online dating…). Don’t limit yourself to one or two dating venues.

#6 Pay attention to your body language. Are you welcoming? Do you smile and make eye contact? Is your vibe relaxed, friendly and confident – or do you lock onto to people and make them feel like they’re cornered?

The bottom line:

Just because you’re in your 40s doesn’t mean life is over and you’re hopeless. There is no hurry. One of my cousins recently met someone who is now the love of her life and she’s in her late 50s!! So get informed, be intentional without being obsessive, have fun, patiently build relationships with a variety of people, and allow the universe to act as your wingman.