Standing at The Crossroads of BEING and DOING

Complete with a little dating advice, too.

Lately I’ve been in this tug of war between BEING and DOING … mainly because I focus a lot on the Law of Correspondence which states that our outer world is nothing more than a reflection of our inner world; as within, so without. So I work on my inner game, using all of the tools in my cache to access my intuition and cultivate my awareness, noticing how my thoughts and beliefs affect my “being”. Am I BEING insightful or am I BEING idiotic? Am I BEING visionary or am I BEING short-sighted? Am I BEING confident or am I BEING fearful? (After all, it’s impossible to achieve my goals if I am not marching confidently toward them.)

But I find that when I spend too much time focusing on my BEING, that sweet spot where I plumb my essence to figure out who I am and how I show up in the world, the God of DOING comes hammering at my door, wanting to know when we’re going to get on with the show.

Yet I know that who I am BEING influences my actions and activities. Put in another way, if I am BEING a particular quality, I would engage in certain behaviors that would be congruent with that quality and thus I demonstrate that I mean what I say – I walk the talk. The BEING I choose characterizes the quality of the action and can guide me toward powerful results with more ease. But the BEING always comes first.

Still in all, DOING comes knocking, yelling at me through the closed window. DOING snow

Today, as I was searching for illustrators who have Goddesses in their portfolios (seemingly random, I know), I came across an article on Cracked.dom ( 6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person by David Wong ) that I thought made an excellent and specific point on DOING: society rewards the DOING but also expects our DOING to be of service, to satisfy needs. This is an overlooked element of the successful achievement of any goal, whether having a rewarding career or romantic relationship.

I found the article is a bit unwieldy and a tiny bit snarky so I’m summarizing (forgive me, Mr. Wong), sometimes using direct quotes, sometimes paraphrasing & sometimes reinterpreting. (But I do recommend that you read the original, because, to reinterpret one of his lines: it is an honest and accurate expression of what the world expects from you; people consider it so wrong to talk to you about this that they’ve decided it’s better to simply let you keep failing.) The tips are presented in count-down fashion.

What’s interesting, too, is that this article also contains dating wisdom. I’ve extracted it for clarity … scroll to the end of this post to read it.

Work is the transfer of energy; You are what you do.

Work is the transfer of energy; You are what you do.

#6. The World Only Cares About What It Can Get from You
“If you want to know why society seems to shun you, or why you seem to get no respect, it’s because society is full of people who need things. They need houses built, they need food to eat, they need entertainment, they need fulfilling sexual relationships. Either you will go about the task of seeing to those needs by learning a unique set of skills, or the world will reject you, no matter how kind, giving and polite you are. You will be poor, you will be alone, you will be left out in the cold.”

#5. The Hippies Were Wrong
Remember Tyler Durden’s line from Fight Club: “You are not your job.” But, well, actually, you totally are. Granted, your “job” and your means of employment might not be the same thing, but in both cases you are nothing more than the sum total of your useful skills. For instance, being a good mother is a job that requires a skill. It’s something a person can do that is useful to other members of society. But make no mistake: Your “job” — the useful thing you do for other people — is all you are. People have needs and thus assign value to the people who meet them.

#4. What You Produce Does Not Have to Make Money, But It Does Have to Benefit People
Enough said.

#3. You Hate Yourself Because You Don’t Do Anything
The secret to winning in life: doing something is better than not doing it. If you find yourself saying, “But I’m not good at anything!”, throw enough hours of repetition at it and you can get sort of good at anything. Don’t like the prospect of pouring all of that time into a skill? Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the sheer act of practicing will help you come out of your shell. People quit because it takes too long to see results, because they can’t figure out that the process is the result.

The bad news is that you have no other choice. In my non-expert opinion, you don’t hate yourself because you have low self-esteem, or because other people were mean to you. You hate yourself because you don’t do anything. Do the math: How much of your time is spent consuming things other people made (TV, music, video games, websites) versus making your own?

#2. What You Are Inside Only Matters Because of What It Makes You Do
There’s a common defense to everything said so far, the thing your ego says to you, to prevent you from having to do the hard work of improving: “I know I’m a good person on the inside.” It may also be phrased as “I know who I am” or “I just have to be me.” Don’t get me wrong — who you are inside is everything. Every bad thing you’ve ever done has started with a bad impulse, some thought ricocheting around inside your skull until you had to act on it. And every good thing you’ve done is the same — “who you are inside” is the metaphorical dirt from which your fruit grows.

At the end of the day, nobody cares about your dirt (your BEING). “Who you are inside” is meaningless aside from what it produces for other people. BEING becomes more powerful when it is put to use.

Let’s just say that, on an inner level, you have great compassion for poor people. Great. Does that result in you doing anything about it? Do you hear about some terrible tragedy such as the shootings in Sandy Hook, CT, and say, “Oh, those poor children. Let them know that they are in my thoughts”? Because fuck you if so — find out what they need and help provide it. What did the collective power of those good thoughts provide? Jack fucking shit.

#1. Everything Inside You Will Fight Improvement
The human mind is a miracle, and you will never see it spring more beautifully into action than when it is fighting against evidence that it needs to change. Your psyche is equipped with layer after layer of defense mechanisms designed to shoot down anything that might keep things from staying exactly where they are — ask any addict.

Many people feel that it’s entirely possible that if “I just keep doing exactly what I’m doing, eventually things will work out! I’ll get my big break, and if I keep doing favors for that pretty girl, eventually she’ll come around!” Remember, misery is comfortable. It’s why so many people prefer it and get stuck in this kind of thinking pattern above. Happiness takes effort (and change).

Also, happiness takes courage. It’s comforting to know that as long as you don’t create anything in your life, then nobody can attack the thing you created. It’s so much easier to just sit back and criticize other people’s creations.

Dating Advice Through the Lens of this Perspective

I’m going to pull exactly from this article because I couldn’t phrase it any better than this.

“So on our message boards and in my many inboxes I read several dozen stories a year from miserable, lonely guys who insist that women won’t come near them despite the fact that they are just the nicest guys in the world. I can explain what is wrong with this mindset, but it would probably be better if I let Alec Baldwin (in the famous speech his character gives in the cinematic masterpiece Glengarry Glenn Ross) explain it: Nice guy? I don’t give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. If you want to work here, close.”

In this case, Baldwin is playing the part of the attractive women in your life. They won’t put it as bluntly as he does — society has trained us not to be this honest with people — but the equation is the same. “Nice guy?  Who gives a shit? If you want to work here, close.”

So, what do you bring to the table?

“What, so you’re saying that I can’t get girls like that unless I have a nice job and make lots of money?”  No, your brain jumps to that conclusion so you have an excuse to write off everyone who rejects you by thinking that they’re just being shallow and selfish.

I’m asking what do you offer? Are you smart? Funny? Interesting? Talented? Ambitious? Creative? OK, now what do you do to demonstrate those attributes to the world? Don’t say that you’re a nice guy — that’s the bare minimum. Pretty girls have guys being nice to them 36 times a day.

“Well, I’m not sexist or racist or greedy or shallow or abusive! Not like those other douchebags!”

I’m sorry, I know that this is hard to hear, but if all you can do is list a bunch of faults you don’t have, then back the fuck away. There’s a witty, handsome guy with a promising career ready to step in and operate.

… Don’t complain about how girls fall for jerks; they fall for those jerks because those jerks have other things they can offer. “But I’m a great listener!” Are you? Because you’re willing to sit quietly in exchange for the chance to be in the proximity of a pretty girl (and spend every second imagining how soft her skin must be)? Well guess what, there’s another guy in her life who also knows how to do that, and he can play the guitar. Saying that you’re a nice guy is like a restaurant whose only selling point is that the food doesn’t make you sick. You’re like a new movie whose title is This Movie Is in English, and its tagline is “The actors are clearly visible.”

“So, what, you’re saying that I should pick up a book on how to get girls?” Only if step one in the book is “Start making yourself into the type of person girls want to be around.”

Because that’s the step that gets skipped — it’s always “How can I get a job?” and not “How can I become the type of person employers want?” It’s “How can I get pretty girls to like me?” instead of “How can I become the type of person that pretty girls like?” See, because that second one could very well require giving up many of your favorite hobbies and paying more attention to your appearance, and God knows what else. You might even have to change your personality.

How many of you are walking around right now saying, “She/he would love me if she/he only knew what an interesting person I am!” Really? How do all of your interesting thoughts and ideas manifest themselves in the world? What do they cause you to do? If your dream girl or guy had a hidden camera that followed you around for a month, would they be impressed with what they saw? Remember, they can’t read your mind — they can only observe. Would they want to be a part of that life?

… I think this advice is pretty brilliant and want to thank David Wong for creating this article! Read more:

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