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Ask the Coach: What’s the magic formula for true love?
Dear Coach Linda: I am so so soooo tired of being single. I went through a bitter divorce about 10 years ago and just cannot find someone I want to be with. Can you please tell me – what is the formula for making the magic happen?
Hi Mary: I hear your longing to share your life with an extraordinary partner and I applaud your ability to make your goal clear. Without clarity of intention, there is only aimlessness. But I’m also noticing your statement about how tired you are – which piques my curiosity because, to me, that is a loaded sentence.
What’s underneath this tiredness? Is there a sense of despondency, or discouragement, regarding your options? Or is there a feeling of shame or self-consciousness about being single? Please notice if there is something you’re hoping to avoid, or be rescued from.
Are you lonely? If so, how can you pump up your life right now so that you can experience connection with others in this present moment?
The first step is to identify the thoughts, beliefs and feelings under that supercharged declaration.
Second I’d ask you to contemplate your need for a magical formula. As a spiritual counselor, I understand the principles of magic and know that it is the art and science of living an enchanted life, of seeing and experiencing the world as delightful, captivating, and thrilling.
I often find, however, that many people paint their lives by numbers, and live their lives in a mechanical, prescribed manner.
And in terms of relationships, I find that many singles prefer to be given a pre-defined answer to their (perceived) wretched state of “singlehood”, hoping that I will tell them what to do, where to go, what to say, so they can find a partner – fast.
Here’s the truth: If you are serious about having a full and lasting love relationship, you have to get serious about being single first — and by “serious”, I mean make a commitment to maximize this valuable time to uncork your very best life.
According to Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., one of our generation’s most esteemed relationship psychologists and marital therapists, there are 4 things you must do to prepare yourself before your partner comes along:
- Educate yourself about the role of modern relationships
- Educate yourself about yourself
- Train yourself in the skills of relationships
- Do what you can to change the behaviors and character defenses that prevent you from attracting and keeping the love you find
You cannot have the prize – real love – without this 4-part journey.
Even then, the prize of an extraordinary relationship is not a vacation where you throw away your responsibilities and refuse to work on it. At least with the proper preparation, you have the tools you’ll need to meet any challenge.
I say this not to be the heavy and to blame you for not finding lasting love, but to remind you that you are in charge. As the Chooser or Architect of your life, you are responsible to do what needs to be done to find and keep an extraordinary relationship.
If you have repeated patterns that keep giving you the same results, it’s something to understand and do something constructive about.
The answers are not “out there” but in your acknowledging your power to grow within yourself, in your intention to make changes, to take responsibility for what is happening in your life.
If you do this, you will have no problem in finding a partner. In all likelihood, that person will be more able to make a commitment and less likely to frustrate you than the person you will pick before you do your homework.
And if all of this seems overwhelming, allow me to help you with each step, through my Become Successfully Single & Relationship Ready home study coaching program. In this groundbreaking program, you will:
- Identify and breakthrough the beliefs, thoughts and behaviors that block you from achieving an extraordinary relationship;
- Identify your vision for your ideal life and partnership;
- Maximize your environment so you are surrounded by the right kinds of opportunities;
- Create strategies to achieve your dreams, goals and aspirations.
By participating in this program, you will fulfill your highest needs: for your life to have meaning and to experience love and acceptance.
To get started on your journey to an extraordinary relationship. enroll here.