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How to be successful in everything you do
– including in your relationships
Over the course of my career, as a life coach and in the world of advertising, I’ve been fortunate to learn from people amazingly successful, and wise, in both the realm of their professions and in their personal lives. (Note: I define “success” here as achieving what matters most to you – not as some objective measure of outer wealth, accomplishment or achievement.) Observing people who are living fully on their terms and loving it, I’ve seen how they think, react, interrelate, and problem solve. I’ve applied these lessons to my own life, and to those I coach.
I’ve seen these people not only engage continuously in life-supporting (and generous) behaviors, but also avoid certain negative actions and mindsets that other, less successful people habitually get lost in. Here’s an overview of 8 limiting beliefs and behaviors these people avoid:
1. Engaging in “victim” thinking (not being the Chooser)
Victim thinking refers to a particular mindset that leads to you believe that what’s happening to you is outside your control and is everyone else’s fault – the economy, your industry, your boss, your spouse, etc. As a “victim”, you carry around a belief that says, “It’s not fair what’s happening, and I don’t have what it takes to overcome these challenges. I didn’t expect this and I can’t handle it.” Thinking like a Chooser, on the other hand, says, “I’m accountable for my life, and I have what it takes to navigate through this successfully. Even if I fail, I’ll still know who I am, and will have learned something critical.”
2. Mistaking magical thinking for action
Successful people achieve outcomes that flow organically from their current actions. Unsuccessful individuals cling to fantasies that make them forget their situational pain yet they have not acted upon them in any way. For instance, I’ve heard from singles who say, “Linda, I really long for a successful relationship – I’m so unhappy with dating the same kinds of people over and over again. I desperately want a life partner. What’s your advice?” I’ll respond, “What are you doing to break your patterns and get out there to meet people who share your values?” and more often than not, the answer will be, “Uh…nothing.” You can’t achieve your vision if you don’t commit to any concrete action steps. It’s critical to take bold action toward your vision, to create success. Successful people develop huge goals, yet they crunch them down into smaller, digestible (yet courageous) action steps that they then build on, which leads naturally to the end goal they’re pursuing. In my Relationship Readiness private coaching program, my clients and I work on an action plan to help them get to where they want to go. See my posts about goal setting for additional insight into this topic.
3. Remaining powerless
Successful people are in touch with their power, and are not afraid to use it and express it. They advocate for themselves and for what they care about, and don’t shy away from articulating that. They know how they contribute uniquely and the value they bring to the table. In addition, they don’t wait to bring up concerns – they tackle challenges head on, speaking about them openly, with calm, poise and grace. They don’t hide from their problems.
4. Putting off investing in themselves
I see this behavior over and over in those who feel thwarted–they are incredibly reluctant to invest time, money and energy in themselves and their own growth. They’ll make any excuse for why now is NOT the time to invest in themselves or commit to change. They feel guilt, shame and anxiety over claiming “I’m worth this” or they lock down out of fear. Successful people don’t wait – they spend money, time and effort on their own growth because they know it will pay off – for themselves and everyone around them.
5. Resisting change
Successful people go with the flow, are flexible, fluid and nimble. They react to what’s in front of them, and improvise skillfully. Those who are unsuccessful complain, stay stuck in the past or in what they “expected,” grumbling about how life is not what it should be.
6. Sacrificing their priorities
Successful people know what matters most to them–their requirements, values, their life mission and purpose. They don’t float aimlessly–they are masters of their own ship, know where they want to go, and move confidently in the direction of their dreams. To do this, they are very clear about their top priorities in life. In short, they have very well-defined boundaries, and say “no” to behaviors (and thinking) that don’t serve their greater good. That doesn’t mean that they’re selfish and think only of themselves, it means they know specifically how they want to commit to living out their life visions.
7. Doubting themselves and their instincts
Those who doubt themselves, lack trust in their own gut or instincts, or second-guess themselves continually find themselves far from where they want to be. Successful people believe in themselves. Of course they realize they have “gaps” or blind spots, and areas that need development (in fact, my Relationship Readiness coaching helps identify the gaps). But they forgive themselves for what they don’t know and the mistakes they’ve made. They keep going with hope and optimism, knowing that the lessons from these gaffes will serve them well in the future.
8. Searching for easy answers
I can often tell from the first contact I have with someone if they’ll be likely to succeed in attracting a healthy relationship. How? By the nature of their expectations and how they set out to fulfill them. Here’s an example: if I have a conversation with someone and they expect free dating advice, it’s usually a bad sign. If they are looking for insight on what online dating service to use, I know that this person is not ready to make it happen for themselves. Why? Because successful people know that the answer doesn’t begin with the strategy – it begins with their mindset and then moves to their vision for their life. They also know that their success is directly proportionate to the effort they put in. Most of all, they understand there are no short cuts or easy answers on the road to successful and harmonious relationships.
If you are ready to commit to success and attract extraordinary relationships, you may qualify for a free Relationship Readiness Strategy Session: email me by clicking here. Also, check out my Relationship Readiness home study course, to get you started on your path to your dreams. Join my newsletter and receive a 5-part Relationship Readiness eCourse.)