Developing an Authentic Positive Mindset

Or, No One Wants to Date a Whiner

I’ve noticed something lately. In my webinars, I often talk about being responsible for one’s outcomes – being the Architect of one’s life – and not being the Victim, someone who consistently focuses on what other people are doing or outside events and then blames them for his or her woes. The key to empowerment is to own your sh*t.

And yet I see there are a lot of people venting frustration about their dating lives, in conversation, in emails to me and in the comments on my page on Facebook. So I thought frustration and negativity would be a good topic to address.

You undoubtedly have been bombarded with messages about how your mentality and your attitude can affect your success in life, from your career to your health to your relationships. I brought this up for conversation on my page on Facebook and it was pretty unanimous – people who dwell on negative thinking are not only not fun to date – but are less likely to have success in other areas of their lives.

Often, when trying to “attract” a relationship, people focus entirely on their appearance. They worry that they won’t get a date without a young complexion and an hourglass figure (women), or chiseled abs and a tall, muscular body (men). They also believe that physical attractiveness is an objective and stable feature (that can’t be changed without surgery, push-up bras, or hours in the gym).

But, are potential dating partners really that superficial?

Good news: they’re not.

Part of physical attraction really is subjective. It is “in the eye of the beholder”. Furthermore, that subjective eye of physical attraction is easily influenced – by your personality. As it turns out, “who you are on the inside” counts! It even changes how others actually see you on the outside.

There have been countless research studies on the influence of personality on perceptions of physical attractiveness – in a nutshell, people who are perceived to have positive personality traits such as sociability, conscientiousness, openness and stability were rated much more attractive than people who were perceived to have negative personality traits – such as being critical, emotionally unavailable, sarcastic, or contemptuous.

Y’see, your attitudes and beliefs color everything you do. They affect how you react to rejection. They affect how you respond to criticism. They affect how people see you. It affects how you see yourself.

So to help you stimulate a positive mindset, we’re going to do few things together over the course of the next several posts.

We’re going to look at The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, both in terms of negativity and positivity, so that you can develop an AUTHENTIC positive mindset (and not something you’re forcing.)

1.    First we’ll look at the benefits of having a positive mindset
2.    Second we’ll look at the impact negativity has on your dating life
3.    Third, we’ll examine the false allure of Relentless Positivity
4.    Finally, we’ll do some exercises to help you transform negativity or negative emotions so you can be fully authentic and functioning and can magnetize people toward you.

why-be-negative

Good question.

POSITIVE VS. NEGATIVE
There are two ways to look at the world: the optimistic way or the pessimistic way. People who practice positive thinking see the world around them as filled with opportunities and possibilities. They believe that everything happens as part of a great process designed to make them successful and fulfilled. They approach their lives, their work, and their relationships with optimism, cheerfulness, and a general attitude of positive expectations. They stay positive, expect a lot* and are seldom disappointed.

SIDEBAR: Naturally I have to talk about the Law of Expectation which tells us that whatever one expects, with confidence, becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When one expects with confidence that good things will happen, they usually will. If, on the other hand, one expects a negative outcome to a situation, then the outcome will usually be negative. Here’s an example of this Law at work: Dr. Robert Rosenthal of the University of California – Riverside, has spent more than 40 years studying the idea that one’s expectations for the behavior of another, can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. In his book, Pygmalion in the Classroom, Rosenthal illustrates examples where teachers were told that a student, or sometimes a whole class, was extremely bright and was predicted to make a quantum leap in academic performance in the coming year. Even though the students were randomly chosen from the school population at large, the students performed at much higher levels than other students in the same or similar classes, and vastly better than could have been predicted by previous grades or behavior. The teachers were operating under the belief that the student or students were exceptional and therefore expected them to excel.

Want more proof that a positive mindset can help you live your life to the max? Here are 10 proven benefits of positivity, as gleaned from a number of different sources:

1. Positive people live longer –those that regularly expressed positive emotions lived on average 10 years longer.
2. Positive work environments outperform negative work environments.
3. Positive, optimistic sales people sell more than pessimistic sales people.
4. Positive people are able to make better decisions under pressure.
5. Marriages are much more likely to succeed when the couple experiences a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions; when the ratio approaches 1 to 1, marriages are more likely to end in divorce.
6. Positive people who regularly express positive emotions are more resilient when facing stress, challenges and adversity.
7. Positive people are able to maintain a broader perspective and see the big picture which helps them identify solutions whereas negative people maintain a narrower perspective and tend to focus on problems.
8. Positive thoughts and emotions counter the negative effects of stress. For example, you can’t be thankful and stressed at the same time.
9. Positive emotions such as gratitude and appreciation help athletes perform at a higher level.
10. Positive people have more friends, which is a key factor of happiness and longevity.

So you can see why it’s important to have a positive mindset.
Next Up: Negativity is a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy as Well.

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Attitudes Dating Dating Skills Fulfillment Relationships Spiritual Laws Success Uncategorized

2 comments

  1. Christy says:

    I don’t really agree with point 10. Some of us are introverts and don’t need billions of friends but just a handful of good ones

    • lindamags says:

      Hi Christy, thanks so much for reading and for commenting. I appreciate your thoughts. I can see your concern about communicating that people need to have a ton of friends & perhaps I need to expand upon #10. Like you, I don’t believe you need a billion friends, but I do know, based on my own experiences and the experiences of my clients, that having a really strong network of intimate friends and then having a good network of friends and acquaintances is quite important… especially if someone is single and looking for an extraordinary relationship. (And even career-wise, a large network of friends is important.) A number of my clients are introverted, like you, and prior to being coached, never gave much thought about their friends, which left them isolated and dismayed as well as frustrated with their dating strategies and experiences. For an introvert, it’s even more important in this realm since relying on strategies like online dating sites or bars or parties is enough to make most introverts I know (myself included) cringe.

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