Is your current relationship the right one for you?

From The Chooser files, an assessment

The other night I hosted a webinar on Being the Chooser – a new paradigm for attracting the extraordinary.

(FYI: I also use the words Creator and Architect interchangeably for the word Chooser – it all refers to the same thing: taking the initiative to create what you want, taking full responsibility for your outcomes and making choices mindful of their long-term consequences…. In other words, think about what you want for yourself in your life. A fulfilling relationship? Success in your career? Financial serenity? Whatever your aims are, to get what you want, you must be the Chooser.)

make wise choicesOne of the attributes of being a Chooser is satisfying your own needs first – by honoring your values and not giving away your power.

(NB: Needs here mean that what we require to show up and experience in our lives, for us to feel fulfilled. This is different than being “needy” – another topic for another post.)

In a relationship context, this means being very aware of whom you’re involved with and making sure the relationship stacks up.

I cannot tell you how many people I talk with get involved with someone who is ultimately not right for them, simply because they are afraid of being alone. They therefore don’t take the time to figure out what their relationship needs and requirements are. That kind of strategy ultimately results in simmering (or maybe even an explosive) resentment, hostility, fighting and eventually an acrimonious breakup because their essential needs are not being met.

Not only do Choosers take steps to get their needs met, they also walk away from what’s not working. The challenge though is having enough clarity to know when to fold ’em. But when you’re in the early stages of a relationship, and you’re feeling all googly eyed and floating around on the rush of chemicals that come with being initially attracted to someone, it’s hard to remain focused.

Here, then, is a great Dating Red Flags assessment that you can use to objectively evaluate your current experience. Use it when you’re screening and testing to identify possible red flags in a prospective relationship and you will be thankful.

I. Are You Projecting into the Future?

1. _____ Would I want to spend the rest of my life with this person exactly as they are right now?
2. _____ Would I want this person to raise my child? *
3. _____ Would I want my child to be exactly like this person?*
(*If children are not a consideration, stick with #1)

 II. Are You Talking Yourself Into a Relationship?

4. _____ Do I want to rescue or “help” them because I see their potential?
5. _____ I love the way they look or their status and it builds my self-esteem to be with them.
6. _____ We have some things in common and so I’m avoiding looking at glaring differences.
7. _____ They appear to be totally different than people I’ve been with in the past.
8. _____ I’m focusing on one important quality (money, sex, fun, humor, etc) and ignoring unmet requirements.

III. Is This Person Displaying Any of These Tendencies?

9.   _____ Reacts to frustration with anger, rage, blame
10. _____ Blames others or circumstances for life situation
11. _____ Tries to control everything, including me
12. _____ Immature, impulsive, and/or irresponsible
13. _____ Emotionally distant or void, aloof
14. _____ Still pining for a past relationship
15. _____ Wants me to make their life better
16. _____ Married or otherwise unavailable to commit to me
17. _____ Active addiction, addictive behavior (rationalized as “not a problem”)

 IV. What About These Characteristics and Behaviors (including yours)?

18. _____ Is pessimistic and negative about things that matter to me
19. _____ Lacks integrity in dealing with people, money, etc.
20. _____ Judgmental attitude toward themselves & others
21. _____ Unwilling to self-examine, accept feedback, take responsibility
22. _____ Doesn’t keep agreements
23. _____ What they say about themselves doesn’t match reality
24. _____ Emotional roller coaster, recurring or regular emotional drama
25. _____ This isn’t what I really want, but I don’t want to be alone
26. _____ Changeable, inconsistent behavior
27. _____ Inability to listen
28. _____ I notice myself trying to change this person to fit what I want, instead of accepting them for who they are
29. _____ Talks too much (especially about self), monopolizes conversation
30. _____ Overly quiet, withdrawn

Score Your Results
A. Total checked items from Section II, III, and IV _______
B. Circle the checked items that need close attention, decision-making, or require more information.
C. On a scale from 0 (Not at all) to 100 (Perfect fit) my minimum score for considering any relationship is _______
D. Using the above scale I score this potential relationship _______
E. Based upon the above results, I… should / shouldn’t (circle one) proceed dating this potential partner.
Remember that this assessment is designed to help you honestly assess if the relationship is tripping any red flags so you can make wise choices. It’s not intended to be used as ammunition against your partner, to suggest that he or she is wrong and now needs to jump through hoops and change in order to please you. A Chooser is not in the blame game. A Chooser takes the responsibility to meet his or her own needs.

Further food for thought

During the early stages of a relationship, we are literally awash in a rush of hormones and other biological reactions. We’re also unconsciously reacting based on early programming. Given that, what is the likelihood that your chemistry and unconscious attraction will result in good relationship choices? The failure rate of relationships suggests that the odds are low.

In this blog post, you’ve learned an important skill to balance your heart with your head. You can use your physical and emotional reactions to potential partners as useful information. Being clear about your requirements and performing reality checks via this dating red flags assessment will allow you to make informed, productive relationship choices.

If it’s clear you should not proceed dating this potential partner and you have any difficulty moving on, I strongly suggest showing this checklist to your best friend, close family member, therapist or relationship coach (i.e, me) and get the support you need to be The Chooser.

Interested in creating the life and relationship that you really want? Ask about my Empowered Dating Programs and Webinars. Click here to email me.

 

(Another NB: Most angry people are so because they have not learned how to take responsibility for meeting their own needs. I say this based on observation, not via any scientific analysis, so I don’t have statistics. However, according to psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, everything we do or say is an attempt to meet our needs.1 You can debate this conclusion – but I will lay money down on it. Show me an angry person, and I will show you someone who is not only unaware of his or her own needs but also completely in the dark about how to satisfy those needs.)

 

(1) Rosenberg, Marshall. 2003. Nonviolent Communication. Puddledancer Press.

Dating Red Flags Assessment ©2010 RCI. All rights reserved in all media. Reproduction of this material in part or in whole is prohibited except for licensed RCI coaches, of which I am one.

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