Dating Gold Diggers: the hidden cost

…or, Regrets: The heavy cost of the time we waste

I opened my doors up to an Ask the Coach program, and have had a few questions float into my Inbox, 99% of which focus on ‘why can’t the members of the opposite sex do XYZ’. I will go through each one and address what really pops out at me, but I thought I would start with this non-question question that actually is a complaint (which came to me anonymously and has been slightly edited for grammar and brevity).

I've been a miner for a heart of gold.

I’ve been a miner for a heart of gold.

I love complaints – they have hidden treasures and gifts, like a buried pirate chest filled with gold coins (which can only be seen if you aren’t a Dating Zombie). The problem is that most people fall on the Zombie side of dating and remain caught up in the “stories” that complaining brings with them. Fortunately I know many ways to extract the gold. These next two posts will address the following complaint in depth.

Speaking of gold …

ASK THE COACH:  The problem I have is the gold digging problem; since men have to pay for dates, I am very selective. I find most women to be stingy to be honest. I dated a woman for 7 months and it was the rare occasion that she offered. She did make up for it by making me breakfast at times but I have encountered a lot of woman who are after men who only do well in life and I think that sucks.

This is a rich one! But the first thing that jumps out at me is “I dated a woman for 7 months” – presumably before he realized that her stinginess was unbearable and he broke it off.

Noticing his emotions are not exactly joyous (i.e., ‘this sucks’), it becomes evident to me that there is an unrecognized need here:  He needs a partner who can help share financial commitments. We can even see an emerging value:  he values contribution or even partnership. This is just an educated guess; only he can really say for sure what his need is here, but my gut tells me that this is pretty important to him.

How do you feel about how you spend your time?
At the same time, I wonder about his feelings and beliefs surrounding regard for his time, considering that he spent 7 months with someone who did not reflect one of his core relationship needs.

Plus, to truly be ready and available to meet the love of your life (one of the 5 Essential Principles), you can’t be involved with someone who is not right for you because then you close yourself off to meeting the person who is.

But the underlying current to that statement is to realize how precious time is. What’s underneath your desire to spend your valuable time with someone who does not meet one of your core relationship requirements?

Trust me, I know a lot about time being precious. When I was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, I realized how fragile we really are. We skate through our lives, believing ourselves to be immortal and immune, but we’re really kinda not. We tend to piddle or fritter away the hours, on things/people/activities that don’t enrich our lives.

Regrets, I’ve had a few…

OK this is a little dramatic, but it's true.

OK this is a little dramatic, but it’s true.

By far, for me and for many people I know, the most significant regret most of us have about our lives is about lost time. As I grow older, the opportunity cost of truly pointless hours piles up. What could I have accomplished instead of being involved in situations that were not serving my greatest good? While this is not an invitation to beat ourselves up over the past, we need to realize that it’s important to start setting priorities and undertaking activities that help us move forward toward happiness and peace of mind.

How does this relate to your dating life?
It’s time to know your core relationship requirements and values and not accept anything less. When you have clarity about what is important to you, and when you empower yourself to stand by them, you won’t waste your time.

If you’re involved with someone who doesn’t reflect your core values, then it’s up to you to talk about what’s important to you without blame or anger. You are the Chooser. You are responsible for your outcomes.

Plus, as I’ve said before, when you settle for less, you get less – and I don’t believe that we were designed to live lives of quiet desperation.

Got a Question or Complaint About Dating? Do you feel the results in your life suck and you’ve had it? Go ahead – Ask The Coach! Email me by clicking this word:  SERENITY

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