Dating Gold Digging Women? What it says about your values (part 2)

In my last post, I started to address a rich question (in truth: a complaint) that I received via my “Ask the Coach” program. This particular entry was so rich that I wanted to break it down – my first response addressed the issue of honoring our time, since spending 7 months with someone who doesn’t reflect one of our core values is … well … kind of a waste of time.  Here’s the question/complaint again, to refresh our memories:

The problem I have is the gold digging problem; since men have to pay for dates, I am very selective. I find most women to be stingy, to be honest. I dated a woman for 7 months and it was the rare occasion that she offered. She did make up for it by making me breakfast at times but I have encountered a lot of woman who are after men who only do well in life and I think that sucks.

So here is where we look deeply into the mirror to uncover our role in our results.

You’ll notice that I highlighted different areas of this complaint because these statements have to do with A.) Judgment, B.) Limiting Beliefs, C.) Unrecognized needs and values, D.) the Law of Attraction. You can see why I wanted to break this all out over a few posts.

Let’s start with Judgment
Can you spot the judgment statements above? What’s interesting to me about judging others is that it resembles blaming (the relationship did not work out because she is stingy). If any of you have taken any of my webinars, you’ll know that blaming and judging are symptoms of not being the Architect/Creator/Chooser – which is a topic unto itself – but in short, choosing not to be a Chooser is NOT an action of empowerment.

Judgment statements ultimately blocks our ability to go forward because we’re saying that we’re quite sure about what other people need to do, how they should live etc. And exactly how do we know what’s right for other people?

Another truth about judgment is that you see who you are by seeing who you think other people are. Everything we think or feel about others is a projection of what is going on inside ourselves. But by focusing on what we think the other person is doing wrong keeps the focus off us. We avoid taking responsibility for our outcomes yet we perpetuate our problems.

And finally, I invite you to ponder the quote below to see how it relates to judging people.

“The fragrance always stays in the hand that gives the rose.”

What do you believe to be true in this situation?
With that judgment comes a belief that limits us from moving forward. If you come to believe that “men have to pay”, or “women are stingy”, or “women only want to date men who are doing well in life”, that becomes true for you. These beliefs then have a deep impact on our lives because, according to the Law of Concentration, whatever you dwell upon grows and expands in your life.  Thus our patterns, behaviors and choices are simply an outward expression of our subconscious beliefs.

Without realizing it, we make decisions and behave according to a reality consistent with our subconscious beliefs.

The ironic part is that consciously we may say, “I want a life partner”, yet when we approach this desire with undermining beliefs (“most women are gold diggers”, or “men are required to pay”), we wind up placing ourselves in precisely that situation.

Here’s a story for you: Through out my life, I believed (although at the time I would have never admitted this) that I would be complete – particularly professionally since I was a budding photographer agent at the time — if I had a boyfriend who was an art director or creative director and was stylish. But what I didn’t realize is that underneath that, I believed that all men in the creative industry were self-centered and emotional cripples. I subconsciously regarded them as jerks. So I consistently dated men who looked a certain way, had a particular kind of job, but who were self-centered and emotionally unavailable. Can you see the cycle?

As a quick aside: I want to address “women only want men who are doing well in life” belief. Doing well in life, in my eyes, is the ability to be independent and financially serene. It is the synonym for being happy or fulfilled. And the truth is, those who “do well in life” tend to be confident and happy. I don’t know anyone who would choose to be involved with someone who lacks confidence and/or is unhappy. Would you? And yes, it’s true, today’s economy has left many financially shipwrecked. If this is true for you, if you are worried about finances and paying your bills, and you’re not feeling great about yourself as a person, perhaps now is not the best time to seek a serious relationship. (P.S., I believe that you can feel financially serene without being Donald Trump.) Perhaps now is the time to do some inner work to get you back on track to feeling good about your life.

A complaint metaphor that makes my mouth water. Let's get to that velvety chocolate center!

A complaint metaphor that makes my mouth water. Let’s get to that velvety chocolate center!

The Art of the Complaint — What do you need?
What do your dating results say about what you value in relationship?
All this being said, you’ll remember that I labeled this email as a COMPLAINT. Complaining can have a silver lining and can be quite productive, if you extract and understand the hidden gifts a complaint has nestled in its core. There is a beautiful opportunity when we allow our judgments of others to be there without censor, when freeze them on paper in front of us, and take time to investigate. While we may feel it’s not acceptable to judge or complain, the reality is that we do! Telling people not to judge is like telling me to not eat chocolate. Not gonna happen.

When we’re Unconsciously Incompetent (aka Zombies – see this blog post for more), we usually do one of many things with our judgments or complaints. We may act them out through blaming others, guilt tripping, arguing, etc. Or we may resist these judgments by suppressing them, blaming ourselves, or feeling guilty. Any of these behaviors only solidifies them or makes them more problematic than they once were.

Therefore, we must get to the truth behind these judgments lest we remain stuck in them. And the best way to get to the velvety chocolate center in our complaints and judgments is to understand what values are not being met in this situation and resolve to be proactive and honor those values. If you’ve taken my Blueprint webinar, I give you an exercise to help you gain greater clarity into what is non-negotiable for you by identifying your top values.

The Law of Attraction
Remember my quick anecdote above, about dating men who were “jerks”? What I didn’t realize was that by walking around with these unacknowledged beliefs, I was activating the Law of Attraction in an unintended way. I knew that if I focused on something and got excited about it, then I would bring it in into my life BUT I was missing big pieces of the puzzle. If you find yourself speaking or thinking in a certain manner (men have to pay – most women are stingy) then you will only find that your statements become true. The universe will return your thoughts on the same frequency and you will only bring into your life the people who reflect that complaint or judgment.

So here’s your opportunity to weigh in. Got a comment about this man’s complaint? Want to complain yourself? Comment below – or feel free to email me by clicking here.

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