Creating a Life You Love after Divorce

Creating a Life You Love after Divorce

Divorce Self Discovery

new lifeAs my Empowered Singles movement grows, it seems to be attracting more and more people who are still going through the divorce process – meaning that their divorce is not final. They want to be proactive in life after divorce yet are not sure what they need to be doing at this stage of their life. Most of them feel a bit anxious and are still feeling the effects of the loss of the marriage.

Maybe you can relate. After all, most long-term committed relationships these days break up after about seven years (on average) so chances are you’ve been through a break up. (Sorry to be a buzz kill.)

It is daunting to consider dating after experiencing divorce, especially after spending many years with someone. By implementing a few tips, you’ll become more comfortable and then even enjoy dating because – believe it or not – it’s a process that can be custom-molded to fit your needs AND can be fun if you’re smart about it.

The Right Time to Start Dating

A common myth is that people should wait at least two years after getting a divorce to start dating again. I find, however, that being ready to date is less about a timeline and more about how you feel and how ready you are to have companionship in your life.

Here’s how you can tell. Are you:

  • harboring negative feelings about your ex?
  • feeling angry or resentful?
  • still going through a difficult legal battle?
  • find yourself obsessing or talking about your divorce with your friends so much so that they are sick of hearing about it?

If so, then guess what. You’re not ready.

The solution? Get busy and do things you enjoy. Try doing something you have always wanted to do but didn’t because of marital responsibilities. Consider taking classes to explore what you want to create in your life now. Take your time meeting and getting to know new people. Put less focus on dating and more on experiencing new things and people — with the goal of creating a new you and your new life.

If you decide that you really really want to get back into dating, make sure you properly prepare yourself to become relationship ready. All of my coaching programs are designed to help you achieve that goal.

Also spend some time getting clear on what you’d like your dating experiences to be like. To help you achieve clarity, think about the following questions:

  • What do I want my dating experiences to be like?
  • What is my description of the perfect first date? Second? Third?
  • How do I want to be treated during the date and by my date?
  • What criteria has to be present for me to consider a second, third or subsequent date?
  • When will I feel comfortable with my date knowing where I live?
  • How will I know when I feel comfortable enough to have sex?
  • How will I know when I’m ready to introduce my date to my children/family?

It’s tempting to rush in, so that you can avoid being alone. In my experience, however, dating after divorce becomes a healthy choice when you are madly in love with yourself, know what you want your dating experience to look and feel like, are complete with your past relationship(s), and feel excited about your new found freedom and life.

If you need some guided support, consider enrolling in my Become Successfully Single & Relationship Ready home study program. Click here to learn more and to sign up.

The Empowered Single: An urban legend?

The Empowered Single: An urban legend?

Self Discovery Self-Acceptance Uncategorized
We're no mythological creature...

We’re no mythological creature…

Know what to look for when searching for the Empowered Single

Myths and fables have been around since our ancient ancestors sat around campfires and spun legendary stories about people or things that exist only in the imagination. Fortunately, an Empowered Single is not an urban legend or fairy tale, like a unicorn or dragon. Empowered Singles exist. They do! And I’ve seen them in their natural habitat.

They’re actually not hard to find – empowered singles share some common qualities*. Here’s how you can easily spot one:

  • They possess a positive self-image with high levels of self-acceptance and acceptance of others – there’s no shame in their game.
  • They can see life, circumstances, people and events clearly without over dramatization.
  • They have a well-developed and even quirky sense of humor that is philosophical rather than hostile. They can laugh at themselves but never make jokes that hurt others.
  • They possess self-knowledge and self-awareness, which is the ability to know thyself in all its facets and thereby know how others operate and then how to interact with them.
  • They intentionally live their values on a daily basis, knowing that their values form the foundations of who they are and who they continue to become. To be self-aware it’s necessary to be aware of our values, to critically examine them, to intentionally live them, to use them as a guide as we make the best choices in any situation and to accept that our values may be different from those of others.
  • They’ve identified their Life Visionand Life Purpose which reflects what they long to bring into the world and points them in the direction they want to move in.
  • They set goals that reflect their values so they can take charge of their lives and move confidently in the direction of their dreams.
  • They understand the hidden science of Cause and Effect, knowing that what they reap what they sow. They are self-starters, responsible for themselves, and own their behavior.
  • They tend to be serene, characterized by a lack of worry, and retain dignity amid confusion and personal misfortune, all the while remaining objective.
  • They resist conformity. They determine their own behavior and have their own views on people and events. Because they take an independent view, they can see situations and problems more objectively and consequently they tend to be creative and make valuable contributions to society.
  • Their intimate relationships with specially loved people tend to be profound, sincere and long-lasting, rather than superficial. They respect others’ individuality and feel joy at another’s success.
  • They are motivated to continual growth and tend to be inner-directed.
  • They use positive and active language, knowing that their self-image is reflected in the words that they use.  (For example, saying “I should” or “You should” behave in a certain way implies passivity and detracts from being in control and taking responsibility.)

empowered woman on grassNow that you know what to look for, perhaps you can start discerning who is empowered and who is not when you’re scouting, screening and sorting potential friends and romantic partners.

Maybe you can even do a little self-evaluation by taking the empowerment assessment featured in the next post.

And finally, remember that birds of a feather fly together so maybe now is a good time to be a member of my Empowered Singles nation – enroll HERE.

 

*Please know that I’m not making this sh*t up – Abraham Maslow, a famed American psychologist, made his career proving that humans are not blindly reacting to situations, but trying to accomplish something greater. He studied mentally healthy individuals (instead of people with serious psychological issues) and concluded that empowered or self-actualizing people indicate coherent personalities (relating to the unique patterns of experience and action that make each of us who we are) and represent optimal psychological health and functioning. He also proved that all the individuals he studied had similar personality traits. These are the traits I list above.

How social are you?

How social are you?

Community Fulfillment Self Discovery

The most common lament I hear from today’s singles over the age of 40 is the difficulty they have meeting potential partners. When I hear that, it reconfirms for me how broken our approach to being single really is.

In my experience, the singles complaining about not meeting the right people are – among many things – too isolated in their everyday lives, and need to focus on building their community before finding a partner. In fact, it is this isolation – and the fear of being alone – that propels people into relationships that are just not right for them.

Through my Become Successfully Single programs, my clients focus on building their support networks because it’s not only a lost part of our lives, but also offers more benefits than one blog post can actually describe. Support networks and friendships are vital to our well-being on all levels. The problem is that most singles don’t even give this topic a second thought and as a result wind up leading very socially isolated lives.

Are you one of them? Take this assessment, developed by UCLA, consisting of 20 questions. After you read each statement, indicate how often the statement is descriptive of you, using the following scoring system:

1         to indicate you  never feel this way
2        to indicate you  rarely feel this way
3        to indicate you sometimes feel this way
4         to indicate you  often feel this way
______________________________________________

1. I am unhappy doing so many things alone
2. I have nobody to talk to
3. I cannot tolerate being so alone
4. I lack companionship
5. I feel as if nobody really understands me
6. I find myself waiting for people to call or write
7. There is no one I can turn to
8. I am no longer close to anyone
9. My interests and ideas are not shared by those around me
10. I feel left out
11. I feel completely alone
12. I am unable to reach out and communicate with those around me
13. My social relationships are superficial
14. I feel starved for company
15. No one really knows me well
16. I feel isolated from others
17. I am unhappy being so withdrawn
18. It is difficult for me to make friends
19. I feel shut out and excluded by others
20. People are around me but not with me

To determine your level of loneliness, compute your score by adding the ten numbers together.

Scoring System:
30-40: People attaining this score-range are operating comfortably and experience an average level of loneliness.
41-60: People within this range struggle a little with social interactions, experiencing frequent loneliness.
61-80: Scores falling within this range would indicate a person experiencing severe loneliness.

Fear not if you got a high score the first time doing this assessment. I want to reinforce that this quiz merely registers FEELINGS of loneliness … feelings are really predicated on PERCEPTIONS – what you perceive to be true. Your feelings are not FACTS – meaning, you might feel lonely but that doesn’t mean you ARE lonely. You may need to simply shift your perspective OR take some solid steps to form closer connections, which is what we’ll talk about next. You may also need to figure out if you’re being too needy, which can account for your feelings of loneliness.

In addition, you might want to take this test monthly to see whether your score remains static, or whether it dips or rises in response to life events. This won’t solve your loneliness, but it will provide more information about a state that can seem so hard to pin down.

Stay Tuned For More!
(And consider enrolling in my Become Successfully Single home study program!)

Empowered Dating for Introverts

Empowered Dating for Introverts

Courage Dating Dating Skills Fulfillment Relationships Self Discovery

Do you feel awkward, even apprehensive, when approaching or being approached by other people? Do you desperately want to connect with others, but don’t know how or can’t tolerate the anxiety that comes with interaction? Dating can seem extraordinarily hard for those who are either shy or introverted – taking risks to put oneself out there can seem like a daunting task. Plus our society tends to disfavor either trait; often we express this bias by encouraging shy and/or introverted people to see themselves as ill.

The truth is, more people than not are both. In fact, shyness and introversion – or more accurately, the careful, sensitive temperament from which both often spring – are not just normal, they are valuable. The challenge is when we long to make a connection and are Continue reading

Let’s Bust the Valentine’s Day Blues

Attitudes Courage Dating Dreams Fulfillment Planning Self Discovery Self Esteem Solutions

Back in the day when I was a relationship train-wreck, before I started to get my sh*t together about my self-esteem and intimacy issues, I used to despise Valentine’s Day, and all its reminders about romance and being in love and all those ads where pretty gals were surprised and delighted to be presented beautiful diamond engagement rings by handsome dudes. I used to hang black crepe paper ribbons in my work cubicle, wear all black, and regard the day as a day of mourning. I used to range emotionally from seething to despair around this time of year. I know I am (was) not alone – I talk to many singles now who regard Valentine’s Day as an unwelcome reminder of their “alone-ness” and longing for a loving connection. Continue reading

How ready are you for change?

Attitudes Courage Creativity Dreams Fulfillment Goals Homework Planning Prosperity Self Discovery Self Esteem Solutions Success

Do you believe in your life vision enough to “go for it”, to take up that vision with both hands? All creative ventures, including the forging of our ideal life, begin a little at a time, where an idea may lead to another, snowballing and gaining momentum. But the creation of our vision has to start somewhere – we need to move beyond the sanctuary of our proverbial caves, the place where we may be safe and warm but yet stagnant. Our caves might be the debilitating self-doubts and behaviors that, while creating an illusion of Continue reading

10 Commandments of Attracting Extraordinary Relationships

Attitudes Dating Dating Skills Dreams Fulfillment Relationships Requirements Self Discovery Success
Just say no to "meh"

Just say no to “meh”

Interested in attracting the extraordinary? Not satisfied with “meh” (or worse, destructive) relationships? Congratulations – and welcome to Empowered Dating & Relationships, a new paradigm. I do not believe – not for one second – that we need to settle for anything less than the very best in our lives. I think that men and women alike can come together from this space of empowerment and vitality and learn to co-create relationships that are uplifting, exciting and Continue reading

Ladies, it is time to call out the power

Attitudes Courage Dating Freedom Fulfillment Relationships Self Discovery Self-Acceptance Success
wonder-woman

What would Wonder Woman post on Facebook?

As I scan all of the status posts on my Facebook page, I see so many women posting articles about men. Here’s a sampling of what I’ve seen over the weekend:  Seven types of men who will never marry. Nine types of women that men do not want to marry. Why women fall for bad boys. 10 ways to know you’re dating a real man. Creativity, madness and drugs. Does your dog love you back? Oh wait – sorry –  those two are my own. … Let’s move back to the topic, shall we? Continue reading

Age is just a number

Attitudes Dating Dating Skills Goals Relationships Requirements Self Discovery

Maybe the youngsters are right.

As a dating and relationship coach is who is also single, I’m walking my talk – and using online dating services to meet people since I live in a non-bustling area along the Jersey coastline. Even though my search criteria states that I’m looking for a relationship with someone between a certain age range, I consistently get email queries from young men who are way, way below that range. Many of them like to use the line: Age is just a number. And maybe they’re right (to a certain extent – Continue reading

What are your top 6 requirements in a relationship?

Dating Dating Skills Goals Relationships Requirements Self Discovery

They might not be what you think.

Couple in fieldMany relationships fail because, despite the initial intense chemistry and attraction, the couple is just not compatible. As they get to know each other more intimately, they realize they have different values, life goals, and relationship criteria. For partners to be compatible, they MUST BOTH have similar values and goals and have their relationship criteria met.

I know that for me, identifying my relationship requirements was Continue reading