How to be more attractive…?

How to be more attractive…?

Self Esteem Self-Acceptance

As a life coach, my aim is to help people step into their own power and unlock their inner resourcefulness and resiliency, which ultimately rachets up self-confidence to achieve goals (such as co-creating an extraordinary relationship).

I tend to cringe when I see sensational articles on “how to be more attractive” to members of the opposite sex. Anything that smacks of manipulation ruffles me.

The thing is, we are human animals and as such we are influenced by our more primitive impulses, like procreation. This is why when we are young, we are profoundly influenced by our hormones, which then affects our ability to make wise dating choices.

So much of this biological imperative stuff has been studied this way and that, up and down, backwards and forwards … so much so that I feel that we all should keep some of this in the back of our minds when we’re out there dating. (For the record, however, I suggest that we throw away things over which we have no control…the last thing I want to see people doing is beating themselves up over something that can’t be changed or judging themselves as being ‘less than’.)

Check it out:

How Men Can Be More Attractive to Women

http://www.businessinsider.com/tips-attractive-guy-2014-4

A more indepth video here:

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What I love about this video is how it shows that there are biological reasons why a man with muscles is more attractive. It also can be a sign of self-care, which to me is an extremely attractive trait.

How Women Can Be More Attractive to Men

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What I love about this video is that it shows that men actually prefer women who wear less makeup than more. Bravo for the natural look! The rest of it (i.e. wide hips, high voices etc.) I’m going to throw right out the window.

 

Now — again — some of this stuff we can’t necessarily control so it becomes important to embrace ourselves (which is different than being resigned to something we can’t change). And I do not EVER want to advocate that people need to go to extreme lengths to meet these tips. Instead, I hope you use some of this as inspiration to practice some self-care while, as a side benefit, remaining attractive and immensely datable.

In the meantime…

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The Empowered Single: An urban legend?

The Empowered Single: An urban legend?

Self Discovery Self-Acceptance Uncategorized
We're no mythological creature...

We’re no mythological creature…

Know what to look for when searching for the Empowered Single

Myths and fables have been around since our ancient ancestors sat around campfires and spun legendary stories about people or things that exist only in the imagination. Fortunately, an Empowered Single is not an urban legend or fairy tale, like a unicorn or dragon. Empowered Singles exist. They do! And I’ve seen them in their natural habitat.

They’re actually not hard to find – empowered singles share some common qualities*. Here’s how you can easily spot one:

  • They possess a positive self-image with high levels of self-acceptance and acceptance of others – there’s no shame in their game.
  • They can see life, circumstances, people and events clearly without over dramatization.
  • They have a well-developed and even quirky sense of humor that is philosophical rather than hostile. They can laugh at themselves but never make jokes that hurt others.
  • They possess self-knowledge and self-awareness, which is the ability to know thyself in all its facets and thereby know how others operate and then how to interact with them.
  • They intentionally live their values on a daily basis, knowing that their values form the foundations of who they are and who they continue to become. To be self-aware it’s necessary to be aware of our values, to critically examine them, to intentionally live them, to use them as a guide as we make the best choices in any situation and to accept that our values may be different from those of others.
  • They’ve identified their Life Visionand Life Purpose which reflects what they long to bring into the world and points them in the direction they want to move in.
  • They set goals that reflect their values so they can take charge of their lives and move confidently in the direction of their dreams.
  • They understand the hidden science of Cause and Effect, knowing that what they reap what they sow. They are self-starters, responsible for themselves, and own their behavior.
  • They tend to be serene, characterized by a lack of worry, and retain dignity amid confusion and personal misfortune, all the while remaining objective.
  • They resist conformity. They determine their own behavior and have their own views on people and events. Because they take an independent view, they can see situations and problems more objectively and consequently they tend to be creative and make valuable contributions to society.
  • Their intimate relationships with specially loved people tend to be profound, sincere and long-lasting, rather than superficial. They respect others’ individuality and feel joy at another’s success.
  • They are motivated to continual growth and tend to be inner-directed.
  • They use positive and active language, knowing that their self-image is reflected in the words that they use.  (For example, saying “I should” or “You should” behave in a certain way implies passivity and detracts from being in control and taking responsibility.)

empowered woman on grassNow that you know what to look for, perhaps you can start discerning who is empowered and who is not when you’re scouting, screening and sorting potential friends and romantic partners.

Maybe you can even do a little self-evaluation by taking the empowerment assessment featured in the next post.

And finally, remember that birds of a feather fly together so maybe now is a good time to be a member of my Empowered Singles nation – enroll HERE.

 

*Please know that I’m not making this sh*t up – Abraham Maslow, a famed American psychologist, made his career proving that humans are not blindly reacting to situations, but trying to accomplish something greater. He studied mentally healthy individuals (instead of people with serious psychological issues) and concluded that empowered or self-actualizing people indicate coherent personalities (relating to the unique patterns of experience and action that make each of us who we are) and represent optimal psychological health and functioning. He also proved that all the individuals he studied had similar personality traits. These are the traits I list above.

Acceptance: You are who you are

Acceptance: You are who you are

Attitudes Self-Acceptance

Wherever you are on your path of self-actualization

Now that the weather has turned colder, it’s time to get ready for winter. On a deeper level, this is an opportunity to start preparing for hibernation, or the “dream-time” as I like to call it in my spiritual practice. This is the time when we start to go inward, literally and figuratively, to examine who we are, where we are and why we’re here.

This morning I was engaged with one of my more superficial fall rituals – swapping out my summer clothes for my warmer clothes – yet it always provides me an opportunity to reflect. As I was washing my tank tops and linen pants, I came across a few halter tops that I remember buying specifically to please my most recent ex-boyfriend. To him, despite all of my positive attributes, I was not sexy enough for him plus he had a particular obsession with women in halter tops. As I held them in my hand, I realized that I have never worn them since we broke up. In fact, I would never have purchased them in the first place, if he didn’t harp on me to dress sexier.

I then began to reflect on how else I sacrificed my Self just to secure the attentions of romantic flash-gordonpartners. Like the one time a boyfriend told me he would prefer me better if I had really short hair. I then had my curls all chopped off. Or the time this same boyfriend said that I would look better as a blonde (this was before I went completely grey). I then promptly had my hair dyed blonde, which destroyed my scalp and, coupled with my short-cropped hair, made me look like Flash Gordon.

This is all cosmetic stuff, I know, but the point is that I allowed myself to feel that I was not good enough. To maintain their attention and affection, I had to change. These actions were symptomatic of my lack of self-esteem. And over time, my unacknowledged resentment built up until my reactions to people who commented on my looks became venomous.

I mention this because all of my inner work these past five years has been about reclaiming myself. About stepping into my own power, and not sacrificing myself just because a romantic partner says so. This sacrifice is very prevalent in women in general — I see it quite frequently and is the primary reason why I always include self-esteem work in all of my coaching programs. Where, in your own life, could you be more accepting of yourself? Are you honoring your own path and being true to yourself?

Value Acceptance

Popeye as Zen master?

Popeye as Zen master?

On the flip side, I also see people demanding that their partners change in one way or another. It’s one of the biggest traps people fall into -thinking that if the partner could only embody this attribute or look a certain way, then that partner would measure up to standards and they would be happy. This is why my coaching programs help people focus on themselves, rather than trying to change others. We empower ourselves when we shift attention away from how others live, and place our awareness on our own lives. How can you let go of wanting to change others? What would happen if you were at peace with how things are right now? When we take the time to look within, it becomes easier to stay centered in who we are and accept, no matter what the path, that we are all essentially the same.

I hope that you too will get to this place of reclaiming.

 

Loneliness Isolation Depression Despair and Robin Williams

Loneliness Isolation Depression Despair and Robin Williams

Self Esteem Self-Acceptance

I’d been ruminating rather relentlessly on how loneliness and isolation has become an epidemic in the U.S. as we increasingly lead lives that don’t nurture support communities when, in the middle of my meditations, came news about Robin Williams. Beloved Robin Williams who was known by so many to be kind and gracious in addition to being hilarious. Mork and Mindy was one of my favorite shows and certainly many of his movies – Mrs. Doubtfire, The Bird Cage to name a few – I’ve watched at least a hundred times. While most news pundits are talking about his depression, most psychologists are talking about his despair, which is the complete lack of hope and is the most life threatening part of depression.

Despair.

When I think about social isolation, loneliness and despair, it all feels like a “what came first, the chicken or the egg” kind of riddle. Does one cause the other? Is one the effect of the other? What’s the source? What’s the result?

Does it even matter?

The thing is, isolation, loneliness and despair involve feeling utterly hopeless (not sure there’s a future worth living), worthless (having no real value), useless (that nothing we’ve done has helped the world), helpless (deprived of strength or power), meaningless (like nothing we’ve done matters). I have coached many singles who suffered from these feelings. I can see their pain.

And I can see how our feelings can escalate and perpetuate. In the case of Robin Williams, I can see how most of us, who don’t know how dark and deep depression can be, would find it hard to believe that he could feel any of the above. And according to many psychologists, that’s precisely what causes a person to feel alone in their pain.

One of the biggest takeaways I’ve gotten from my ruminations is that suffering is feeling utterly alone in pain. While most people can endure pain, few can endure prolonged unrelenting suffering. However when someone is able to make it through and breakthrough our “iron walls” that keeps all help and hope out and keeps us locked up inside, suffering you can’t live with becomes pain that you can.

How does this all tie in together? What’s the greater lesson? When we allow ourselves to seek help, allow ourselves to let people in and become vulnerable, we eliminate suffering. And my heart breaks to think that Robin Williams was suffering so much.

Shy No More: Tips for Empowered Dating

Shy No More: Tips for Empowered Dating

Courage Dating Dating Skills Self-Acceptance Uncategorized

Last night I hosted a special teleclass on Empowered Dating for Introverts and judging by the fevered pitch of dismay I received from those who missed it, this is a hot topic. I thought I would share here the kernels of what I discussed, including a step-by-step process to help you (as an introvert and/or as someone who is shy) date to your strengths.

Before we get into strategies and tactics, let’s differentiate between Shyness and Introversion because the two are not the same. According to Psychology Today, Shyness is the awkwardness or apprehension some people feel when approaching or being approached by other people. Shy people often desperately want to connect with others, but don’t know how or can’t tolerate the anxiety that comes with human interaction. Introverts, on the other hand, have the interpersonal skills and healthy self-esteem needed for interacting with others yet feel most energized by time alone. Shy people want very much to be with others but lack the social skills and self-esteem to take a chance. Introverts seek time alone because they want time alone. At a party, you might see an introvert and a shy person standing against the wall, but the introvert prefers to be there, while the Continue reading

Ladies, it is time to call out the power

Attitudes Courage Dating Freedom Fulfillment Relationships Self Discovery Self-Acceptance Success
wonder-woman

What would Wonder Woman post on Facebook?

As I scan all of the status posts on my Facebook page, I see so many women posting articles about men. Here’s a sampling of what I’ve seen over the weekend:  Seven types of men who will never marry. Nine types of women that men do not want to marry. Why women fall for bad boys. 10 ways to know you’re dating a real man. Creativity, madness and drugs. Does your dog love you back? Oh wait – sorry –  those two are my own. … Let’s move back to the topic, shall we? Continue reading

And bad mistakes, I’ve made a few …

Dating Dating Skills Fulfillment Homework Relationships Requirements Self Discovery Self-Acceptance Success

Dating & Relationship Lessons I’ve learned along the way

I’m a firm believer in walking my talk so I thought I would share with you some insight, and key learnings, that I’ve uncovered as a result of my many years of making dating and relationship mistakes, as well as a result of going through my relationship coaching certification training. I’m sharing this with you because, in honesty, what I’ve learned has completely radicalized my approach to dating and relationships. I’m pretty darned sure that this will help you, too. Continue reading

Ask The Coach pt 3: How to be approachable

Ask The Coach pt 3: How to be approachable

Ask the Coach Dating Skills Fulfillment Self Esteem Self-Acceptance

What’s a single woman to do?

You want to remain open and be approachable yet you can’t help but put walls up.

I had a client, I’ll dub Mary out of respect for privacy, reach out to me to ask that question. “I want to be in a relationship, but every time a guy talks to me, no matter what he says, I get defensive.”

Man, can I relate. I remember there was a period where I wanted to fling daggers at any guy who tried to “chat me up”. Not exactly the right kind of attitude for me to adopt, given the fact that I wanted to find a romantic partner.

With this in mind, we set about coaching her through this feeling. After exploring with her for a while, it became apparent that she had trouble trusting, and was Continue reading

Got Confidence? What Kickstarter’s Recent Scandal Teaches Us

Courage Dating Self Esteem Self-Acceptance

Good riddance to bad pick up techniques.

I’ve been reading about the kerfuffle that Kickstarter provoked by inadvertently allowing a misogynist to fundraise for a book (under the guise of pick up artistry) that instructs men to forcefully touch and otherwise pressure women into having sex. At first I was enraged – there is nothing that gets me more riled than violence (of any kind) against women … and then I was grieved to read that this project exceeded its fundraising goal by a huge percent. Ultimately it got me thinking about a sticky subject: pick up artists. Continue reading

Empowered Dating: Know Thyself – A Visual Reference

Dating Fulfillment Relationships Self-Acceptance Success

In my webinar, 5 Essential Principles for Blissful Dating Success, I talk a lot about how important it is to spend the time upfront, before launching into any dating strategies, in getting to who you are and what you enjoy in life. Knowing yourself and liking yourself are directly related to success in relationships. You cannot truly love and accept another if you cannot love and accept yourself. The following reinforces Continue reading