Ask the Coach: My partner needs to earn the same salary

Ask the Coach: My partner needs to earn the same salary

Ask the Coach Dating Requirements
OR – The Truth Behind Your Requirements

Dear Coach Linda:

I posted a question to a singles forum the other day and they all seem to disagree with me on something- I said I do not want to date a man who makes less than me and expects me to pay for ALL the dates. They seem to think love is more important and they would date someone who had no or very little money for love. Am I off on this one? I do have personal experience that gives me bias. Thanks! ~ Carrie

money love scales


Hey Carrie,

Here’s my two-cents, as someone who helps singles create lives they love.

Your requirement that your partner earn as much as you do is a valid one as long as it doesn’t restrict you in ways that eliminate possibilities. The argument you’ve been hearing, that it should all be about love, is a romantic sentiment which could potentially only last a few years and then cause trouble.

Here’s what I mean.

Your desire for equal salary more than likely points to some deep needs that you have for a relationship to work. While you’d be the one to know for sure, my guess is that you need your partner to be responsible, hard-working, motivated and maybe even independent. You may also want to avoid anyone who has dependency problems … you might want to avoid being in a “care taker” role. I’m only guessing here. To be sure, ask yourself: “What’s important about this requirement? What does this mean to me?” Think about your top 5 most-strongly-held values and how this requirement relates to them.

Once you’ve identified what it means on that level, then ask yourself: “Are there ways for a partner to exhibit these traits without earning as much as I do? Are there other ways for my relationship requirements to be met?

The reason these questions become important is that you could potentially meet someone who reflects all that you value the most, someone who you are attracted to and have fun with, who isn’t looking for a care-taker, yet for some reason has not been able to earn as much as you do. Would you be ok with dismissing this person based on your salary requirements? By doing this deeper reflection on what salary truly means to you, you’ll be in a better position to clearly and consciously evaluate the partnership.

As an aside, these questions are applicable anytime someone identifies something on the outer level or externally as a relationship requirement — for example, saying that a potential partner has to be athletic or sporty … or must have certain physical attributes. Requirements are really all about what you must experience in a relationship.

All of this is raises another important point: Money issues is the number one contributor of relationship failure. Most people, before making a commitment, do *not* talk to one another about their beliefs, attitudes and behaviors surrounding money. To gain clarity and agreement on this topic is the difference between a conscious relationship (and one that has a better chance of long term success) and an unconscious one (which will ultimately result in failure).

Naturally this is the kind of topic that needs to be discussed when you’ve gotten to know him and feel there is great potential in the relationship … that a relationship with him would meet all of your other requirements. Yet, if you’ve clearly defined what this all means, you’ll know pretty early on if this has potential or not.

I hope this helps!!

Let me know if you have any questions or have some feedback to share.  If you want to explore your relationship requirements further, please contact me to set up a 1:1 coaching session. Articulating and understanding relationship requirements can mean the difference between joy and frustration.

Sending love!

~ Linda

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On the Menu:  Good Conversation

On the Menu: Good Conversation

Community Dating Skills Fulfillment Requirements

“Finding oneself in a good conversation,” writes author Alain de Botton, “is rather like stumbling on a beautiful square in a foreign city at night—and then never knowing how to get back there in daytime.”

Empowered Singles Circles as today’s town square.

Despite living in a society that prizes sociability, most of us who are single struggle with the art of conversation. Despite the illusion that social media actually connects us and meets our need for being social, singles – singles such as yourself – struggle with isolation and loneliness. In the face of growing evidence that we’re leading less socially connected lives, I have a gift for you: an opportunity for you to chart your way back, in the full light of day, to that beautiful town square as pictured above, full of community and conversation via Empowered Singles Circles.

What’s interesting about these Empowered Singles Circles is that, before the rise of the internet, there were groups of people who met regularly to specifically discuss a variety of issues ranging from art to politics to current events. These groups and places were these events were held were called salons which originally started in 16th century Europe and were popular well into the early 20th century.

Kathy Bates portraying Gertrude Stein in Midnight in Paris. This film allows us a glimpse into Stein's famous salons held in 1920s Paris. Salons were opportunities for thinkers, philosophers, poets, writers, artists etc. to gather to share ideas and create community. Maybe you'll be part of this new generation of salon that I'm creating for Empowered Singles.

Kathy Bates portraying Gertrude Stein in the film Midnight in Paris. Stein held famous salons held in 1920s Paris for thinkers, philosophers, poets, writers, artists etc. to share ideas and create community.

(Perhaps you’ve heard of the legendary salons hosted in Paris by writer Gertrude Stein, with frequent guests including Picasso, Hemingway, James Joyce and F. Scott Fitzgerald to name a few. Her salons were brilliant think-tanks and were instrumental in the shaping of that era’s cultural giants. If you check out Woody Allen’s film Midnight in Paris, you will see scenes involving these famous salons – in fact, Kathy Bates portrayed Gertrude Stein, as pictured to the left. One of my favorite scenes involved Adrien Brody as Salvador Dali – brilliant!)

Create a Support Network

While this idea of hosting circles or salons may seem nostalgic or antiquated, I foresee this experience making a big comeback – primarily because of our essential, undying human need for face-to-face contact and the kind of dialogue that can only come with physically interacting with another person. I have personally experienced the kind of nourishment that occurs when meeting and conversing regularly and over a long period of time with people who share similar values.

The purpose of these Empowered Singles Circles is to encourage you to let go of preconceived ideas, become open to the unexpected, to allow you to go deeply into an issue, to learn, to listen. The emphasis of these circles is on community, to create a sense of ‘groupness,’ so that you can achieve higher insight, wisdom and guidance, to open the heart and speak truth.

So take a moment to picture what your life would be like – how would your life be different and even more enjoyable – if you had a place you could regularly go, to discuss what’s your mind – things that maybe your coupled-up friends don’t understand – and learn?

I invite you to become part of this new movement.  Check out the next time we meet by clicking HERE.

 

Ask the Coach: He has no close friends – Red Flag?

Ask the Coach: He has no close friends – Red Flag?

Ask the Coach Community Requirements

Hey Coach Linda,
I recently met this guy, Roy, at a friend’s party a few months ago – he teaches at the same high school that my friend does – and we’ve been hanging out fairly frequently since then. I find him smart, funny, gracious and kind as well as very attractive. There’s one thing I’ve noticed about him – he doesn’t appear to have any close friends or family. He doesn’t even have a best bud to hang out with. In fact, he often stays home alone. While I certainly like my down-time, I come from a big, close family and have always had a ton of friends so this is a bit unusual for me. Should I be concerned? Is this a red flag? ~ Lisa

Is this your guy?

Is this your guy?

Good timing on this question, Lisa – I’ve been having a number of 1:1 consultations with the people who registered for my Empowered Dating for Introverts webinar and the one commonality between them all is not having an extended mega-watt circle of friends. Not to say this is a bad thing. While I know, based on experience, that having a good social network is crucial to our health, well-being and even our career success, I also know that being a social butterfly does not mean having savvy intimacy skills. I know plenty of families and friends that spend time together, but lack intimacy.

You’re an active member of my community, Lisa, so I just want to remind you of some basic Empowered Dating Principles…Empowered Dating Continue reading

Is your current relationship the right one for you?

Attitudes Dating Dating Skills Fulfillment Requirements Solutions Success

From The Chooser files, an assessment

The other night I hosted a webinar on Being the Chooser – a new paradigm for attracting the extraordinary.

(FYI: I also use the words Creator and Architect interchangeably for the word Chooser – it all refers to the same thing: taking the initiative to create what you want, taking full responsibility for your outcomes and making choices mindful of their long-term consequences…. In other words, think about what you want for yourself in your life. A fulfilling relationship? Success in your career? Financial serenity? Whatever your aims are, to get what you want, you must be the Chooser.)

Continue reading

10 Commandments of Attracting Extraordinary Relationships

Attitudes Dating Dating Skills Dreams Fulfillment Relationships Requirements Self Discovery Success
Just say no to "meh"

Just say no to “meh”

Interested in attracting the extraordinary? Not satisfied with “meh” (or worse, destructive) relationships? Congratulations – and welcome to Empowered Dating & Relationships, a new paradigm. I do not believe – not for one second – that we need to settle for anything less than the very best in our lives. I think that men and women alike can come together from this space of empowerment and vitality and learn to co-create relationships that are uplifting, exciting and Continue reading

Age is just a number

Attitudes Dating Dating Skills Goals Relationships Requirements Self Discovery

Maybe the youngsters are right.

As a dating and relationship coach is who is also single, I’m walking my talk – and using online dating services to meet people since I live in a non-bustling area along the Jersey coastline. Even though my search criteria states that I’m looking for a relationship with someone between a certain age range, I consistently get email queries from young men who are way, way below that range. Many of them like to use the line: Age is just a number. And maybe they’re right (to a certain extent – Continue reading

What are your top 6 requirements in a relationship?

Dating Dating Skills Goals Relationships Requirements Self Discovery

They might not be what you think.

Couple in fieldMany relationships fail because, despite the initial intense chemistry and attraction, the couple is just not compatible. As they get to know each other more intimately, they realize they have different values, life goals, and relationship criteria. For partners to be compatible, they MUST BOTH have similar values and goals and have their relationship criteria met.

I know that for me, identifying my relationship requirements was Continue reading

And bad mistakes, I’ve made a few …

Dating Dating Skills Fulfillment Homework Relationships Requirements Self Discovery Self-Acceptance Success

Dating & Relationship Lessons I’ve learned along the way

I’m a firm believer in walking my talk so I thought I would share with you some insight, and key learnings, that I’ve uncovered as a result of my many years of making dating and relationship mistakes, as well as a result of going through my relationship coaching certification training. I’m sharing this with you because, in honesty, what I’ve learned has completely radicalized my approach to dating and relationships. I’m pretty darned sure that this will help you, too. Continue reading

Does the Thought of Speed Dating Fill You with Anxiety, Panic, Confusion?

Courage Dating Skills Dreams Fulfillment Planning Relationships Requirements Solutions Success

New Tips to Prepare You for Fun and Enjoyment Instead

speed dating coupleI’m creating a Speed Dating event (not your run of the mill Speed Dating event, mind you), with my friend, Cassie, of Cassie’s Calendar and the key organizer of the Single and Looking in NJ meet up group and I have been thinking about the feedback I’ve been getting from friends and clients about the viability of such events.

In my heart of hearts, I believe in the power of speed dating events. We are all active professionals, busy with our kick-a$$ careers and our families, sometimes with Continue reading

Zen Dating for the Empowered Culture

Dating Fulfillment Relationships Requirements Solutions Success

values--once you know your values, life is easy copyIf you’ve taken my webinars, you’ve heard me talk about how important it is to identify your top 5 to 10 values – what you feel is of paramount importance to you. These values form the basis of your relationship requirements and help guide you in terms of where you look for a committed relationship and what you want to experience in one. Your values also give you insight as to knowing when to fold ’em and walk away.

And you probably remember me Continue reading