The 5 relationships that matter in life

The 5 relationships that matter in life

Relationships

To live life as an Empowered Single, we all need to be satisfied in certain areas of our lives, such as health and finances to name a few, and we all need to attend to our attitudes and beliefs surrounding those areas. By now we can all agree that what’s crucial in our lives is relationships yet most singles get stuck solely on the romantic kind. What they don’t realize is that relationships come in various forms and all contribute to our sense of well-being as well as influence how satisfied we can be in romantic ones.

Without proper relationships, people can’t ever reach their real potential.

To be clear, a relationship is defined as a connection, association, or involvement. Depending on our relationships, we can either create or destroy anything that we want.

In my eyes, there are only five relationships that matter the most:  Your relationship with objects/things, others, family, self, and spirit.

If you don’t work on improving any of these relationships, and getting to a healthy place, you will suffer because of ignorance.

Here’s the truth behind these types of relationships. I’ve put them in order, starting with the least important to the most important.

  1. Relationship with Objects/Things

objectsHave you ever heard people say, “Just whack that computer and it will work”? That’s a pure sign of ignorance about objects. If you think that slapping a computer to make it work will do the trick, you’ll continue to be deluded.

Conversely, if you think your material goods have value, then you will treat them with respect. For example, consider a person who litters relentlessly in public versus one who doesn’t. The person who dumps trash everywhere will never be at peace (and won’t know why). The person who goes the extra mile to drop litter into the trash will have a peace of mind that will allow him or her to do more in his life.

Or maybe you are overly rough with items you own, such as your car. You don’t drive it gently, you don’t take care of your oil changes, your brakes are worn out etc. You take the object for granted. And these objects don’t even need to be expensive ones.

Now I’m not talking about being enchanted with material things and needing to have more. What I’m saying is that if you respect everything around you and take care of your belongings, if you don’t subscribe to a throw-away or disposable mind set, you’ll find that you’re less likely to struggle. Things will last longer and you’ll find that you may even need less. (Can you see how this translates into the romantic relationship realm?)

  1. Relationship with Others

The ways you think, feel, and act toward others are determining factors to your success. If you harbor emotions of envy, revenge, anger, greed, or hate, you’ll never have fulfilling relationships. You’ll always be looking for ways to hurt your fellow human beings.

friendshipHowever, emotions of joy, faith, hope, and love can dynamically shift your results in your life. The most reliable and confident people in the world always find ways to encourage others and spread their love, even in the most minimal ways.

The level of your love (or hate) can be felt by others. When you walk into a room, most people know what you’re about. They can feel your energy and immediately know how to respond, whether it is consciously or unconsciously.

  1. Relationships with Family

You might be asking why I separated the relationship with “others” and “family” or even why I’ve ranked “family” more important than others. It’s simple. If you don’t have a good relationship with your family, you won’t have it with others.

familyNow I know that there are some families where it’s impossible to have a loving connection. There are some family situations that have seriously and negatively impacted people’s lives. You don’t have to like all of your family members, yet you will need to let go of any hatred or resentment toward them. You don’t even have to deal with them directly, but you must be determined to send understanding their way and avoid blaming them. (This is a hard one, I know, which is why it becomes important to get support.)

When we focus on releasing resentment and practicing patience with family members, we can easily apply these relationship skills to other relationships.

  1. Relationship with Self

You can only respect family, others, or things if you can enhance your relationship with yourself. If you can believe in yourself, you’ll find that everyone else will believe in you. You are your best friend and your worst enemy.

Every day, there is a constant battle within us which urges us to make many choices. If our positive choices outweigh our negative choices, our chances for success increase. In short, you are the sum total of all the choices you’ve made up until this point.

You are your choices. You can choose this day to be successful or you can choose to fail. Your attitude and beliefs will dictate where you will be directed. No one can control this, except you. The person who takes the most responsibility of their choices will create an extraordinary life.

  1. Relationship with Spirit

Whether you believe in God or universal laws which govern the heavens and earth or Nature herself, your relationship with the Spirit allows you to do far more than what you are capable of. In fact, the more you let the Spirit be in relationship with you, the more you can be leveraged by the universe.

Many people do not realize that they are spiritual bodies. They fail to achieve success in their lives because they only cater to their physical world. For example, if they get emotionally hurt, they resort to overeating or drugs instead of addressing the real problem (i.e. guilt, regret, shame, resentment, etc).

Spirituality encourages people to be positive, which may be expressed through generosity and optimism. Spiritual people tend to flourish more than non-spiritual people because they strive toward a better life and consider personal growth and fulfillment as a central goal. Spirituality requires people to focus on their internal values and work on becoming a better person.

Everything we do in the spiritual world has consequences. If you want to have a spiritual experience, you don’t have to try that hard as long as you have an open mind. You must be willing to let go of trying to control everything.

No matter who you are or what you do, these five relationships will make you or break you. When you focus on developing them every day, you will become an unstoppable force for the rest of your life.

 

What women find most attractive in men

What women find most attractive in men

Fulfillment Relationships

Most single peeps I talk with about dating and relationships seem to think that most people use physical attractiveness as their number one screening tool. Next is sense of humor.

But if you’re a guy, it turns out that women don’t actually use looks as their number one “must have”. What will really get a woman’s attention is how generous you are, according to a new study in Evolutionary Psychology.

Researchers from the University of Worcester in the UK showed more than 200 women pictures of the same two men—one more attractive, one less—in different scenarios. In total there were 12 scenarios, 8 of which displayed altruistic conditions and 4 of which were neutral.

The study confirmed that women found men who behaved altruistically more desirable then those who did not, regardless of how good looking they were. To put it another way, ladies opt for a less attractive fellow if he is generous over a hot-but-selfish guy.

The researchers also found – no surprise here – that the preference for altruistic men was also further influenced by their physical attractiveness…meaning that attractive men became significantly more so when they were altruistic.

“Possibly most interestingly, we found that if a women could choose only one of these traits for a long term partner, then it would be more likely that he was altruistic than physically attractive,” said study author Daniel Farrelly, Ph.D., senior lecturer in Psychology at the University of Worcester.

What’s all the hubbub?

Researchers posit that this is a biological motivation – altruistic men will be better partners and better fathers. In his article, Farrally explained: “One thing that is important in mate selection are signals that a long-term partner has the necessary psychological characteristics to indicate that he will be a good father, including kindness, generosity, and an altruistic nature.”

Interestingly, the opposite was actually true for short term relationships —women found generous guys specifically less attractive. Now this is a topic for another day.

To be sure, being generous has other benefits. Scientists at the Interdisciplinary Program for Empathy and Altruism Research theorize that volunteering and being generous is good for one’s health and well-being because it means getting off the couch and out of the house, so it makes us stronger and more physically fit. More physically fit people tend to deal with stress better, which can help them live longer lives. Being generous and volunteering also create social connections. We are hard-wired for face-to-face contact that includes lots of touch, eye contact, and smiles. Such interactions release a hormone called oxytocin, which helps us to bond and care for others, and also helps us to handle stress better. Volunteering is a good way to meet others, make friends, and bond over common beliefs and goals. (And we all know by now how important it is to develop a good social network.) Lastly, being generous and volunteering just feels good. Volunteering can give us a deep sense of happiness, which is also associated with longer and healthier lives.

helpfulSo are you screwed if you don’t volunteer at a soup kitchen? Not really. You can show your charitable side with anything where there is clearly a cost involved whether in time or finances, Farrally said. You have a few options:

  • Financial philanthropy, like giving a dollar to a homeless person or adopting an endangered animal in the local zoo.
  • Giving your time, like volunteering or helping out in a local charity shop.
  • Enduring physical costs, like donating blood or bone marrow.
  • Any heroic act (not so much throwing yourself in front of a bus … more like rescuing a stranded kitten from up a tree).
  • Displaying compassion and kindness.

altruism soup kitchen

How you benefit from happy relationships

How you benefit from happy relationships

Relationships

Man, do I love having a strong social network and community. As someone who has never been married, is currently single, and who has never had children, I’ve never deluded myself with the perceived escape hatch of relying on that one Special Someone to turn my grey skies into blue.

As a result of being single for my entire life, I’ve always experienced the power of proactively creating a support network that reflects my top values. I love talking deeply with them about topics that matter to me … and I love knowing that they’re there for me in good times and bad times (and vice versa!).

My recent move to another state has reinforced for me how important it is to establish that network and not let good friendships fade into the sunset (which happens all too frequently).

I’ve written and talked at length about how we overall have moved more toward isolationism and how most singles unconsciously try to make up for this by heaping too much responsibility onto a romantic partnership.

But as I’ve been contemplating new programs that support what I feel is important to address for singles of this day and age, I’ve been re-inspired to help create community and combat isolation and loneliness.

So I thought it was time once again to revisit the many benefits that make forging close relationships worth it.

Here, then, are 10 reasons to find, nurture, and endure the ups and downs of relationships of all kinds:

  1. Social support in life. It’s helpful to have people in your life who can offer their expertise to help you out. This might mean being a good listener, an empathizer, being handy with fix-it stuff around the house or being an expert negotiator (which can be extremely handy when you need to buy a new car). All of these types of support improve your quality of life, according to recent psychological studies.
  2. Help in becoming the person you want to be. Another study found that a loving partner or friend who sees you more like the person you want to be will support you in a way that helps you become that person. Because your friend or partner’s response to you can help shape the person you become, they named this the Michelangelo phenomenon.
  3. An opportunity to be caring toward others. Creating truly happy and high-functioning relationships requires compassion, cooperation, love and kindness; as a result, high-functioning relationships foster altruism. Altruism or selflessness is the principle or practice of concern for the welfare of others. You don’t need a scientific study to tell you that being altruistic can make you feel happy and view yourself in a positive light – though such studies certainly do exist to support this claim. Studies also show that altruism creates a sense of calm and reduces stress.
  4. friends vintage tiltawhirlFun and fulfillment. Doing things you enjoy is a wonderful way to spend your time – and having friends to share these experiences with can make them all the more fun and meaningful.
  5. A sense of being part of something bigger than yourself. People have an inborn need to feel a sense of belonging as well as a need to contribute. And, when people meet this need, they gain a sense of well-being. As part of a network of friends or a more formalized group, you can meet this need and feel like your life has purpose and meaning.
  6. Reduced stress. Social relationships relieve stress through the many ways in which they are a support and help people to feel good. Although feeling less stressed is positive in itself, reducing stress is also important because stress can cause problems with coronary arteries, insulin regulation, and the immune system. As a quick FYI: When researchers from University College London measured cortisol levels (one marker of chronic stress) in people 30 minutes after the subjects woke up, they found that the loneliest people had levels 21 percent higher than the most socially connected.
  7. Better health. People who have an active social network and have a cadre of people on whom they can rely have better health in the following ways:
    * Fewer Colds: A study in The Journal of the American Medical Association found that after healthy people were given nasal drops containing a strain of cold virus, those with six or more types of social ties (including friends coworkers and fellow volunteers) were four times less likely to get sick than those with only one to three types of social relationships
    * Lower Blood Pressure: Researchers have found that people with hypertension who feel they can open up to friends are a third less likely to have their condition go uncontrolled. In another study that tracked people for four years, those who were the least lonely could expect their blood pressure to be 14.4 points lower than that of those who were the most isolated.
    * Good Health Habits: Not only do people’s relationships have a directly positive effect upon people’s health, they also influence people’s health behaviors. For instance, spouses and other loved ones often actively encourage exercising, eating a healthy diet, and following up with medical issues. So, not surprisingly, people with emotional support tend to recover better and be less susceptible to illness or disease than those who are more alone.
  8. Longer life. People who have strong social ties are much more likely to live longer than those who are more isolated. Holt-Lunstad, the lead author of a study (2010) that reviewed and analyzed research in this area, noted, “A lack of social relationships was equivalent to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.”
  9. Improved intelligence, reasoning and understanding. Socializing can give your mind a workout. According to one study, the more frequently people interacted with others, the higher they scored on cognitive tests. Plus, research in the American Journal of Public Health found that among older women, those who had daily contact with friends saw their risk of developing dementia reduced by 43% compared with those who had contact less than once a week. This may be because social interaction helps form new synaptic connections, staving off cognitive decline.
  10. Better sleep. In a study in Psychological Science, researchers monitored college students’ sleep patterns and found that those who reported feeling more connected to their peers fell asleep 14 minutes faster and spent 17 fewer minutes awake during the night than their more solitary counterparts did.

So are you as inspired as I am to create a wave of positive connections? Do you want to be part of a movement that helps you succeed and be happy in all areas of your life, while having fun doing so? Then consider joining my Empowered Singles nation. Sign up here. You’ll receive a free 5-session eCourse on Creating a Life You Love as well as get my monthly newsletter which is chock full of great new content. You’ll also be kept abreast of all new programs that I launch, along with special pricing discounts available ONLY to members of the community.

Join us, won’t you?

 

Photo (c) Micheal Ging

What’s behind marriage rates declining?

What’s behind marriage rates declining?

Divorce Relationships

Most people think that “marriage” is the promised land of sorts, where every day is filled with rainbows and butterflies simply because they’re in committed relationship. I know this romantic fairy tale is fed to us routinely as we grow up. But I found some stats via a Scientific American podcast and on the Gallup Poll web site  that belie those dreamy notions.

bride and groom splitAccording to the Gallup site, the Census Bureau reports that marriage rates are declining rapidly, from 9.9 marriages per 1,000 Americans in 1987 to 6.8 in 2011. In addition, researchers at the University of Maryland found that the marriage rate per 1,000 unmarried women fell from 90 in 1950, at the height of the baby boom, to just 31 in 2011.

I thought it was interesting because until recently, the news on everyone’s lips was how the divorce rate was skyrocketing – 1 in every 2 marriages end in divorce. But now the divorce rate is declining – and no wonder.

I was talking with a handful of women about these statistics and most of them believed that the reason behind the decline is a growing fear of commitment or a fear of intimacy. “Men are afraid to commit or be vulnerable” — I hear that one a lot.

To some extent there may be a kernel of truth behind that… maybe people are not getting married out of fear of getting divorced. Yet I’d like to think that maybe what’s catching on is the idea that being single is an opportunity to create a life you love first so then people can attract the partner that is right for them – a partnership that has successful odds — if that is something they want to experience. This is certainly the way that I regard being single – as an opportunity – and as result, people are delaying getting married.

So what do you think?

Create a Happy Relationship – the 3-legged stool

Create a Happy Relationship – the 3-legged stool

Relationships

One of the most common statements I hear many singles say is: If I were in a relationship, then I’d be happy.  That is cart-before-the-horse thinking. And here’s why I say that:

In my eyes, all relationships are like a 3-legged stool:

You and all that you bring to the experience operate as one of the legs.

The second leg is the other person.

The third leg is the relationship itself – the very act of creating a partnership creates a new entity which we call “relationship”. A relationship is as much outside of each of you as it is within, or part of, each of you. Together you and your partner/friend/relative/co-worker define and co-create it.

As you regard your co-created relationship as this 3-legged stool, you’ll see that for the stool to be sturdy, each leg needs to be sturdy. If you’re wobbly, the whole thing is going to be wobbly. Being in a relationship will not cause you to be strong. If anything, the relationship is going to test you. There’s really no getting around it.

So a successful stool or a happy relationship is best supported by people who realize that both parties need to contribute equally.

“How?” you ask?

Here then is your blueprint to create a happy relationship:

  • Increase your level of self-awareness, awareness of your partner and awareness of the relationship itself
  • Prioritize the relationship in attitude, behavior and action
  • Develop and hone a shared vision of your ideal relationship
  • Improve your level of proficiency with core relationship competencies

Ready to craft a stool worthy of the Metropolitan Museum of Art? Consider my programs the tools you need to help you build it. Enroll now!

Being single isn’t fun? Snap out of it!

Relationships

OK OK OK – my dander is a bit up. Lately I have been focusing my content on the value of friends and a support community as well as talking about how damaging loneliness can be. Not only to our physical and emotional health but also how it sets us up for dating traps a la the Desperation Trap. Today a friend forwarded me an article in the Huffington Post about the ways fears of being alone can sabotage your relationships. Booyah! I said to myself, congratulating myself for being on the wave of the zeitgeist. Yeah Buddy! I am in the flow! I am channeling universal wisdom! I am on the cutting edge of philosophical thought!

Then I read the first line: “Being single isn’t fun. In fact, it can be a very lonely time, and that time only becomes worse if being single or being alone is your biggest fear.”ARGHHHHH!!!! I want to give this author the old one-two, Moonstruck style. SNAP OUT OF IT, SISTER!!! You got it all wrong and ARGHHH for promoting your backwards viewpoint on such a visible platform.

Stop Thinking that the ONLY Way to Happiness is Being in a Relationship!!!! Yes, we all want intimacy and someone to share our innermost thoughts with. Yes, we want people in our lives with whom we have frequent interactions. Yes, we all want people to have fun with. There are plenty of ways to satisfy those needs — if you are just willing to take those steps. Being single isn’t fun for those who have no idea how to live a great life. For those who refuse to do the right things to create a network of good friends, who have no interests in life, refuse to acknowledge they live in a box of fear and sit on the couch watching TV night after night.

Don’t get me started!

(OK so maybe a romantic comedy isn’t the best film to feature – I see the irony there.)

Creating a Support Network as a Single Adult

Creating a Support Network as a Single Adult

Relationships Women

When I moved out of New York City, leaving all of the friends and activities I’d been involved with for the past 15 or so years, to live “down the shore”, I realized pretty quickly that I was starving for friendships. Being the enterprising sort, I started looking for ways to meet “my tribe” – people who shared similar values. I came across almost immediately a pocket of holistic professionals and started to attend their events. I befriended three women who I felt I had known my whole life – they were the kind of people who I would have been roommates with had we gone to college together.

That was two years ago. We’ve seen each other three times since. We’re “friends,” butnot quite friends. We keep trying to get over the hump, but life gets in the way.

My story is not unusual. In our 30s and even in our 40s, new people enter our lives through work, children’s play dates and of course, Facebook. But actual close friends – like the ones you make in college or the kind you call in a crisis – those are in shorter supply.

As people approach midlife, the days of youthful exploration, of making friends wherever you go, fade as our work schedules compress our leisure time, priorities change and people often become pickier in what they want in their friends. After a certain age, people fall into a sense of fatalism, thinking that the opportunities for making BFFs the way we did in our teens or college years is pretty much over – that it’s time to resign yourself to situational friends or kind-of-friends.

People also often don’t realize how much they’ve neglected to replenish their stable of friends as the years progress –until they encounter a big life event, like a move, or a divorce. Then most wrestle with their sense of sheer loneliness and regret over not nurturing their friendships.

That thought struck me few months ago when I was contemplating organizing one of my (previously) renowned “Virgo-a-go-go’s” for my birthday. (Back in the day, I would often host some sort of blow-out birthday party at a favorite bar in New York, where my friends and I would gather and celebrate – often until dawn. And yes, you guessed it – I’m a Virgo.) But I realized that even though I have 926 Facebook friends, I still didn’t know if I could fill my party’s invitation list.

Many of my clients are also facing the same situation. In fact, after a divorce in his early 40s, one of my clients, Robert, a public relations executive, realized that his roster of friends had quietly atrophied for years as he focused on his career and family. “All of a sudden, as someone who became suddenly single, I realized I was lonely,” said Robert, now nearing 50. “I’d go to swing dance lessons. Instead of trying to pick up women, I’d introduce myself to the men and suggest ‘Hey, let’s go get a drink.’”

The benefits of having a strong support network is endless* yet these days, our lifestyle conditions have changed to such an extent that it becomes tougher to meet the three conditions that sociologists since the 1950s have considered crucial to making close friends: proximityrepeated interactions; and a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other.

With that in mind, I’m creating live-and-in-person opportunities for people to connect and form friendships while learning key life skills that will in the end help them create a life they love. I’m also offering a teleseminar on this subject that will give you the know-how to create a support community wherever you may live. Check out my Upcoming Events section to learn more. And over the course of the next few blog casts, I‘ll share with you some ideas on how to form new friendships and nurture them, no matter how busy you are or how introverted. Stay Tuned!

* Check out my teleseminar on this topic to learn more about the benefits of strong networks: http://aurorasana.wordpress.com/events/

Ask the Coach: My friend dumps me when she dates someone new

Ask the Coach: My friend dumps me when she dates someone new

Ask the Coach Relationships

Dear Coach Linda:  I see that you are hosting some events to help people build up their social networks (in person and not just on Facebook) – I want you to know that I completely agree with you about the importance of creating and sustaining a healthy network of friends for support. I love my friends and really invest a lot of time in cultivating each friendship. I’ve been divorced for 5 years now and am single but I never feel like I’m missing out on anything, thanks to my friends. But here’s something I’ve experienced and I just don’t understand. I have a friend who must think friends are only useful when she feels lonely — when she meets a new romantic interest, she ignores her pals, including me. Is this normal? Should I be offended? ~ Jayne

Hi Jayne, thanks for your question. I can see how much you value community and authenticity! First, remember that it’s natural for your friend to get excited about a new love interest, and therefore devote most of her free time to him in the beginning. Most people do the very same thing. However, like anything in life, balance is the key. So if your friend is consistently dumping you (meaning that she no longer returns phone calls, can’t be bothered to reply to text or email, or iseven standing you up) when she meets someone new, she’s creating a bind for herself and being unfair to you. As I’ve said many times before, isolated singles become isolated couples become isolated divorcés. For her own sake, your friend should be able to date her new guy and still make time for friends if she wants to be fully satisfied in her life.

When a New Romantic Relationship Begins
To be fair, it’s important to cut your friend some slack during the early stages of her new relationship. After all, it takes time for a healthy relationship to grow, and sometimes that requires spending time alone with each other. However, true friends would never completely blow off previously made plans with you to spend time with the new romantic interest. A good friend would never refuse to answer your efforts to communicate or get angry with you for trying to get in touch.

Is There a Pattern?
If your friend completely forgets who you are when she’s in a relationship, yet comes crawling back each time she’s single again, that’s a problem for both of you actually. In your case, your friend is displaying a pattern of “bad friend” behavior, and showing that the friendship really isn’t a priority in her life. So if this person has done it before and you see another similar episode about to happen, talk to your friend. Tell her that your friendship is important to you, and that you don’t want it to end just because she’s in a relationship. Let her have the “new and in love” time at the beginning, but if you see that your friend is drifting away from you again, talk about your feelings. Your friend may not realize that what she’s doing is an unhealthy thing. (I’ve had this happen with a few friends myself.)

In her case, if she regards friends merely as “something to keep her busy” until she meets a romantic partner, she’s not only missing out on a very important part of her emotional life but she will inevitably heap too much responsibility upon her partner, expecting him to satisfy her every need. No romantic relationship will endure that kind of pressure and will undoubtedly fail – plus isolation from social input comes with a long list of emotional and physical ailments. In the long run, she will lack the balance and support that friendship can give. My teleseminar on Boosting Your Attractor Factor by Expanding Your Social Circlewill highlight all the great reasons why Empowered Singles (and Empowered Couples) NEED to nurture healthy support networks. Too many people do not devote enough time in this area — there’s just no way to have a great life without the support of community.

Know When to Leave the Friendship
Choosing to let a friend go is never an easy decision. If your friend consistently shows you that she’ll leave you high and dry whenever a new boyfriend comes calling, it may be time to walk away. Before you do, make sure she understands why you feel this way. If she’s sensitive to your feelings and is willing to change, give her a second chance. If not, she probably wasn’t that great of a friend to begin with. While we all know that isolated couples will eventually break up, we sometimes can’t save them from their fate no matter how hard we try. If you decide to “break up” with your friend, sincerely wish her the best and then return to the friends who treat you well. Good luck!

Who wants a robust social life?

Who wants a robust social life?

Relationships Special Events

No man is an island that is for sure. I can’t imagine Dale Earnhardt Jr. getting by in a race without his pit crew. Or an Olympic athlete getting by without her coaches. Or anyone with dreams and aspirations ­– maybe someone like you – getting by without friends and mentors. As someone who is an Empowered Single, your support network – meaning your friends, family, work associates etc. – have a profound impact on how happy you are in your life and how well you achieve your dreams and goals. Most single peeps, however, don’t take a moment to cultivate and nurture their support networks at all. Or if they do, they often drop their pit crew like a hot potato when they finally shack up with someone. Big mistake yet way too many people do it.

The good news is that it’s never too late to create a vibrant support network – even at our age (35+). And that’s exactly what I aim to help you with. Coming up: two opportunities to forge friendships with other Empowered Singles and one learning opportunity to understand how to properly build your network and even leverage it. Check it out:

Good friends make a life worth celebrating.

Teleseminar: Boost Your Attractor Factor By Expanding Your Support Network – August 5th: https://build-community.eventbrite.com – This teleseminar, part of my Empowered Dating monthly series, will teach you why loneliness can hurt you, how to break out of isolation, how to assess your current support network, how to meet potential new friends and create a network (especially if you’re an introvert), how to connect authentically with your support network and how to leverage your community to help you find a partner.

Live Event: Create Your Happy Ever After Empowered Singles Circles – August 6th: https://create-your-happy-circle1.eventbrite.com – My new Empowered Singles Circles ­– this one is in Keyport, NJ – will help you Create Your Happy Ever After. These live events are designed to help you create trust and develop close personal relationships, give and receive the support you need to achieve your dreams, release sabotaging beliefs in a sacred, safe space, discover and practice the principles of empowered living and transform old, destructive patterns of the past.

Live Event: Create Your Happy Ever After Empowered Singles Circles -August 20th:https://create-your-happy2.eventbrite.com – For those who can’t make it on August 6th, I’ve scheduled a second circle to be held in Manasquan, NJ. Again, these circles are all about creating a wave of positive energy to help you move to your highest level of joy and success in all areas of your life so that you can become Successfully Single and love your life. These powerful Empowered Singles Circles were created to give you the training and support necessary to move your life to new levels of success in all areas. Working on yourself and loving your life, as an Empowered Single, requires discipline and a support system. We must remain consistent and focused to experience long-term changes in life. Receive the support and positive energy to help you right here.

I hope you can join me for these upcoming events!

The Secret Sauce to Attracting a Conscious Partnership

The Secret Sauce to Attracting a Conscious Partnership

Dating Dating Skills Relationships

I know way too many  (and I mean WAYYYY TOO MANY) singles who desire to attract a great relationship and only focus on strategies – actions undertaken to achieve an aim or goal. Meanwhile they completely ignore certain truths that need to be addressed for the strategy to work. In fact, the other day I had a conversation with a woman who not only tried EHarmony, Match.com, OKCupid and 2 other dating sites, but also paid a matchmaker $4000 to find her a partner. All of which ultimately failed, despite her vehement assertions that “I know exactly what I want in a partner”. (Red Flag Alert!!) So what went wrong? As I’ve said, your inner game is the key that unlocks your gateway to happiness. And why do I stress the inner game so much? Consider this:

You are a magnet.

I’m sure right now you’re picturing yourself as a giant U-shaped piece of metal but actuallywhat I’m talking about is that we are all radiating energy. (OK so here we move to a quantum physics perspective, so hang on.)

Energy makes up everything in existence throughout the universe; it vibrates at certain frequencies depending upon what it is manifest as. Everything is energy and energy is an attractive force, binding together to form matter as we know it.

Everything we sense through our natural five senses of sight, hearing, smell, touch and taste is also made up of energy. We also know that things we cannot sense such as radio waves, certain sound waves and even light waves that are outside the visible spectrum are all made up of energy.

Probably the toughest part to comprehend is the fact that even our thoughts are made up of energy and thus vibrate at certain frequencies, depending upon what we are thinking about and what emotion is driving or being driven by those thoughts. Thoughts are far more powerful than we have ever imagined because they not only have the ability to vibrate at their own frequency, they can alter in frequency depending on what we are thinking about. What’s even more compelling is that our thoughts can attract energy to them that is vibrating on the same frequency. This is the underlying explanation of the Law of Attraction. And guess what, as a single wanting to find a conscious partnership, you are in the quantum physics/Law of Attraction game.

If you want some proof of this, try this exercise. Wake up in the morning and dwell upon something that you don’t like about your life. Maybe you don’t really like your commute. So throughout the morning, focus on how much you despise your commute, how rude the other drivers are, how expensive gas is and so on. Linger in this anger the entire morning. Now, when you arrive at your office, take note of how your coworkers react to you. More than likely, they’re going to stay away. The energies of your thoughts have created this subliminal physical barrier that pushes people away.

So as we have energies and our thoughts have energies, which have vibrations, we are always repelling or attracting people and experiences that jive with those vibrations. Being aware of what we’re putting out there is vital when you’re looking to attract someone or something into your life, like an extraordinary relationship. If you want to attract a conscious, soul mate partnership, you won’t be able to do so if your inner game, or your inner energy, is wonky and mired in muck.

However, it’s not enough to know this on an intellectual level. You need to do the kind of deep reflective work – and consciously engage in transformational exercises like the ones my clients experience through my coaching programs – to attract what you really want in your life.

Here are some things you can do to prepare your inner game and thus influence your energy so you can attract a conscious relationship.

Cut Energetic Cords of the Past: Many spiritual traditions posit that people – including romantic partners – come into our lives to teach us our life lessons. Some of our teachers stay with us and some move on. When we remain blind to the greater reasons of each experience, and the impermanence of all things (another Buddhist lesson), to remain attached, we sabotage our ability to learn and grow. For instance, if a romantic relationship is particularly rocky or difficult, when the time comes to move on, we may sometimes hold onto anger, resentment, blaming and so on. When you frequently (and angrily) reflect on how they hurt you or wronged you – or if you still actively and contentiously engage with them (i.e., still fight it out) even though you are no longer together – it creates an energetic cord that keeps you connected with them in a way that does not foster growth. If you’re still holding grudges or if you’re keeping unresolved issues with past partners alive, you block your ability to complete the relationship at a deeper level. In addition, all of this bound up emotional pain acts like an energy vampire that takes over your emotional and mental states and feeds from your negative thoughts and dramatic reactions. Because “like attracts like”, you will continually attract people of similar energetic patterns. Cut these ties and allow yourself to heal and move on so you can attract a partner with a higher “frequency” or “vibe” or wavelength.

Resolve Past Painful Experiences: Similar to the above, any unresolved painful or traumatic events like betrayal, abandonment, rejection, or abuse (whether physical, emotional, or psychological) that you’re still holding on to will become encoded. It sets us up for a karmic merry-go-round. Because the universe wants us to return to being whole, you’ll continue to subconsciously attract the people, places, things, and events that resonate in an effort to help you move beyond them. Therefore its important to learn your lessons.

Nurture Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion: When people feel confident, worthy and deserving of attracting an empowered relationship, they will inevitably manifest this into their reality. Clearing the source of our inner critical voice will eradicate any self-diminishment and doubt. And as a quick aside, I recently held a special teleclass on the subject of improving self-esteem. The recording will be made available on my new web site in a few weeks.

Address Sabotaging Beliefs: We always have a viewpoint or underlying belief about our lives and the situations we face. How often do you say to yourself: “Things never go my way.” Or – “I’ll never find my perfect match.” Our viewpoints–often blinkered perspectives–are shaped by everything we experience, from our family, culture, environment, health etc. Our assumptions, beliefs and attitudes form the foundations of our lives and influence our energetic core. The challenge with limiting beliefs is that they block manifestation. We hold them as facts, yet they are not. It’s vital to recognize that our current viewpoint is just one way of looking at a situation. To liberate us from our self-imposed limitations, we have to become aware of what our beliefs are and how they were shaped. Read more about limiting beliefs HERE.

Pay Attention to the Physical Self: From a spiritual perspective, your physical body is your temple – the sacred vessel for your spirit and soul. Your body is also your mirror, reflecting for the most part how you regard yourself. When you neglect your health, you send a message to the universe that you don’t feel you’re worthy of respect. Now this doesn’t mean that if your health falters, it’s a sign that you’re sabotaging yourself and that you’ll never attract a conscious partner. Heck, when I was diagnosed with cancer, I was in the best shape of my life, and had been eating well for years. What it did mean was that I needed to take even better care of myself and to explore my physical health on an emotional level so that I could retain my reverence and respect for myself in the face of such a crisis (it’s easy to slip into low self-esteem and depression when you are facing a major illness). If you can’t nurture yourself, it will be highly unlikely that you can nurture a relationship in a way that is ‘enlightened’. While it’s true that a conscious partner is not looking for a trophy, your physical self must be in alignment with your mental, emotional and spiritual self to unequivocally bolster your “vibe” to the universe that will attract a conscious relationship. Having a loving relationship with your physical being means making sure your hormones are in balance, you’re in a healthy weight range and fitness level, you’re eating well and getting enough sleep. It also means not being a slave to the projections from society surrounding beauty and weight.

Now go radiate, would ya?

Master Relationship Skills – once you’re ready to attract a conscious partner, its important to understand what keeps a relationship fresh and new and exciting. It’s all about learning and mastering relationship skills, and using practices that will keep the relationship growing and evolving in greater love, passion, commitment, trust and joy. I have two programs (Become Relationship Ready and Attract the Love of Your Life) that prepare you for such a conscious partnership while my soon-to-be launched Empowered Relationships for Couples program focuses on moving any couple into a grounded and centered way of being, where each partner knows how to communicate effectively and compassionately, owns their issues and works empathetically toward conflict resolution. So schedule your initial consultation with me now so we can talk more about what you can do on a spiritual and energetic level to attract and co-create your soul mate partnership.