Creating a Life You Love after Divorce

Creating a Life You Love after Divorce

Divorce Self Discovery

new lifeAs my Empowered Singles movement grows, it seems to be attracting more and more people who are still going through the divorce process – meaning that their divorce is not final. They want to be proactive in life after divorce yet are not sure what they need to be doing at this stage of their life. Most of them feel a bit anxious and are still feeling the effects of the loss of the marriage.

Maybe you can relate. After all, most long-term committed relationships these days break up after about seven years (on average) so chances are you’ve been through a break up. (Sorry to be a buzz kill.)

It is daunting to consider dating after experiencing divorce, especially after spending many years with someone. By implementing a few tips, you’ll become more comfortable and then even enjoy dating because – believe it or not – it’s a process that can be custom-molded to fit your needs AND can be fun if you’re smart about it.

The Right Time to Start Dating

A common myth is that people should wait at least two years after getting a divorce to start dating again. I find, however, that being ready to date is less about a timeline and more about how you feel and how ready you are to have companionship in your life.

Here’s how you can tell. Are you:

  • harboring negative feelings about your ex?
  • feeling angry or resentful?
  • still going through a difficult legal battle?
  • find yourself obsessing or talking about your divorce with your friends so much so that they are sick of hearing about it?

If so, then guess what. You’re not ready.

The solution? Get busy and do things you enjoy. Try doing something you have always wanted to do but didn’t because of marital responsibilities. Consider taking classes to explore what you want to create in your life now. Take your time meeting and getting to know new people. Put less focus on dating and more on experiencing new things and people — with the goal of creating a new you and your new life.

If you decide that you really really want to get back into dating, make sure you properly prepare yourself to become relationship ready. All of my coaching programs are designed to help you achieve that goal.

Also spend some time getting clear on what you’d like your dating experiences to be like. To help you achieve clarity, think about the following questions:

  • What do I want my dating experiences to be like?
  • What is my description of the perfect first date? Second? Third?
  • How do I want to be treated during the date and by my date?
  • What criteria has to be present for me to consider a second, third or subsequent date?
  • When will I feel comfortable with my date knowing where I live?
  • How will I know when I feel comfortable enough to have sex?
  • How will I know when I’m ready to introduce my date to my children/family?

It’s tempting to rush in, so that you can avoid being alone. In my experience, however, dating after divorce becomes a healthy choice when you are madly in love with yourself, know what you want your dating experience to look and feel like, are complete with your past relationship(s), and feel excited about your new found freedom and life.

If you need some guided support, consider enrolling in my Become Successfully Single & Relationship Ready home study program. Click here to learn more and to sign up.

What’s behind marriage rates declining?

What’s behind marriage rates declining?

Divorce Relationships

Most people think that “marriage” is the promised land of sorts, where every day is filled with rainbows and butterflies simply because they’re in committed relationship. I know this romantic fairy tale is fed to us routinely as we grow up. But I found some stats via a Scientific American podcast and on the Gallup Poll web site  that belie those dreamy notions.

bride and groom splitAccording to the Gallup site, the Census Bureau reports that marriage rates are declining rapidly, from 9.9 marriages per 1,000 Americans in 1987 to 6.8 in 2011. In addition, researchers at the University of Maryland found that the marriage rate per 1,000 unmarried women fell from 90 in 1950, at the height of the baby boom, to just 31 in 2011.

I thought it was interesting because until recently, the news on everyone’s lips was how the divorce rate was skyrocketing – 1 in every 2 marriages end in divorce. But now the divorce rate is declining – and no wonder.

I was talking with a handful of women about these statistics and most of them believed that the reason behind the decline is a growing fear of commitment or a fear of intimacy. “Men are afraid to commit or be vulnerable” — I hear that one a lot.

To some extent there may be a kernel of truth behind that… maybe people are not getting married out of fear of getting divorced. Yet I’d like to think that maybe what’s catching on is the idea that being single is an opportunity to create a life you love first so then people can attract the partner that is right for them – a partnership that has successful odds — if that is something they want to experience. This is certainly the way that I regard being single – as an opportunity – and as result, people are delaying getting married.

So what do you think?