How to empower your holidays

How to empower your holidays

Community

Make your holidays happy AND energize your kick-a$$ single self at the same time

It’s that time of year again … the time when I see many singles get either frantic or depressed about not being in a relationship. Does that sound familiar? Does it seem like the rest of the world is going two-by-two, in step to the beat of the “Little Drummer Boy,” while you march to the tune of “Only the Lonely”?

Friends at Christmas-PartyIt’s no wonder that most singles are stressed at this time of year. Finding yourself alone during the holidays doesn’t match the pictures of togetherness depicted in television commercials. Indeed, the Hallmark version of how the holidays “should” be has forced many expectations on us that we can never live up to. As a result, it can seem like the darkest time of the year for many. Even those singles who are in madly in love with their lives harbor dreams of sharing this time of year with that perfect someone.

As I like to joke: don’t become a statistic. As an Empowered Single, you have the option to choose how you spend your holiday time this year. Here are some ways to Energize Your Powerful Single Self to have the most kick-a$$ holiday season ever.

 >  Be clear on your own values. What’s important to YOU this season? Community? Family? Service to others? Look at your list and determine whether the items on your list are really aligned with your own values – or, are they things someone else thinks you “should” care about?  What are you ready to say “NO” to this year? And what do you want to do instead?

 >  Mix n Mingle your way.  If being single during the holidays makes you cringe and want to stay home, find ways to take charge and claim your stake in the fun.  If you want to mix and mingle, think about how you’d like to do so. Are you going to huge impersonal parties when you really prefer smaller get-togethers where you know everybody? Reluctant to show up at events alone? If so, employ the buddy system!  Pick one friend to go places with, be it a girl or guy friend, a friend who you can be yourself with, laugh and dance with, and someone with whom you can completely relax and share the festivities of the season. For extra insurance also be proactive and ask the host to invite other singles they know and love – with you in mind!

>  Slow down. It’s understandable that many singles anxiously think ahead to the new year and, then of course, fast-forward to Valentine’s Day, so they amp up by going out on even more fruitless dates or going to even more single mingles (and then wind up dismayed and even more depressed). C0-Creating the Extraordinary is not a race. Being alone for the holidays may not be at the top of your to-do list, but if you’re hoping you can hurry up and find someone so that you can get that New Year’s kiss, think twice. Put away your computer and take a breath. Focus on today, tomorrow or next week — not next month. This is a good time to ask yourself how you can be proactive without rushing into something. Are you meeting people? How are you meeting people? If what you’re doing isn’t working, change it up. Consider what you can do differently so you can maximize your chances of meeting new people and, perhaps meet someone special!

Here's to a kick-a$$ holiday season!

Here’s to a kick-a$$ holiday season!

>  Practice Random Acts of Kindness.  Take a few moments to offer random acts of kindness to both those you know and those you don’t know. If someone else you know is having a difficult time coping with this holiday season, reach out to them. This will help you as much as it does them.

>  Practice Loving Kindness. As you prepare for the holidays, it’s easy to slip into a funk and beat yourself up, thinking that your entire life is a failure simply because you’re unattached. Practice being gentle with yourself. Think about the following:

  • Be more patient with yourself and with others.
  • Forgive yourself. Let go of your inner critical voice that picks on everything you have ever done. Be kind to yourself, let go of the past, and move on. You have a whole new beginning; it starts NOW, so embrace it.
  • Hold onto the things that are going well in your life.
  • Be grateful and express your appreciation towards others.
  • Let go of past regrets and fears of the unknown.
  • Focus on maintaining healthy eating habits, stay hydrated with pure water, get proper rest and plenty of exercise.
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff and remember to keep giving the gift of LOVE without expectations of receiving anything back.
Empowered Singles:  How to handle sexual harassment

Empowered Singles:  How to handle sexual harassment

Community

You gather up the courage to go to a large singles dance, determined that you’re going to break out of your comfort zone. You wear your best clothes and pay extra attention to your grooming. You psyche yourself up, reminding yourself that it’s all about practicing how to seize the moment, practice making conversation and hopefully making friends. You choose to detach from expectations or outcomes and simply enjoy the event as a way of networking.

You arrive and take initiative and begin talking with a group of people who are receptive to your friendliness. You are the paragon of an Empowered Single.

And lo and behold, you actually meet someone who is funny, attractive and charming and you hit it off. By the end of the evening, you two exchange phone numbers and arrange to meet up with each other again in a few days.

So far so good, right?

So you meet up again – two more times in fact – and you begin to think that, while you’re going to take your time to make sure he fits with your values and life vision, perhaps there is potential here. You start to feel hopeful…

… when out of the blue, he texts you graphic pictures of his privates. You’re shocked and upset and you don’t know what to do. You feel violated and ashamed.

Seriously?

Seriously?

You’ve just been a victim of sexual harassment.

Now I KNOW that members of my Empowered Singles community would be flabbergasted by this kind of behavior and yet it happens. In fact, sexual harassment has happened to several members of the Empowered Singles community.

What is sexual harassment?

Most people think that sexual harassment is often found in work environments but it can happen in any area of our lives. (And it’s an equal opportunity crime.) Sexual harassment is defined as unwelcome or uninvited sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature. The keywords are Unwanted and Uninvited – whether explicit or not. The courts have generally concluded that a victim need not say or do a particular thing to indicate “unwelcomeness”.

Any of the following unwanted behavior may constitute sexual harassment:

  • leering
  • wolf whistles
  • discussion of one’s partner’s sexual inadequacies
  • sexual innuendo
  • comments about women’s bodies
  • ‘accidentally’ brushing sexual parts of the body
  • lewd & threatening letters
  • tales of sexual exploitation
  • graphic descriptions of pornography
  • pressure for dates
  • sexually explicit gestures
  • unwelcome touching and hugging
  • sexual sneak attacks, (e.g., grabbing breasts or buttocks )
  • sabotaging women’s work
  • sexist and insulting graffiti
  • demanding, “Hey, baby, give me a smile”
  • inappropriate invitations (e.g., hot tub)
  • sexist jokes and cartoons
  • hostile put-downs of women
  • exaggerated, mocking ‘courtesy’
  • public humiliation
  • obscene phone calls
  • displaying pornography in the workplace
  • insisting that workers wear revealing clothes in the workplace
  • inappropriate gifts (ex. Lingerie or sex toys)
  • hooting, sucking, lip-smacking, & animal noises
  • pressing or rubbing up against the victim
  • sexual assault
  • soliciting sexual services
  • stalking
  • leaning over , invading a person’s space
  • indecent exposure

harassment image 1In the Empowered Singles community, there is ZERO tolerance for this kind of behavior. If someone finds they are victim to sexual harassment, they are encouraged to not let it slide. Some people believe that the best course of action is to sweep it under the rug, to not make a scene, thinking that people will “blame the victim” or judge them poorly. Even if our society is prone to blaming the victim, it’s important to not let that sway you from taking action. Any proactive steps you take now could prevent someone else from falling victim.

If you’re not clear what territory you occupy with a potential date, remember this:  Consent is a verbal agreement between people BEFORE they engage in any kind of activity. Both people have to say “YES!” clearly and freely. Consent must given willingly and without physical or emotional duress. How do you know if you have consent?  ASK!!!

So here are some simple steps you can take, if you find yourself subject to unwanted sexual provocations.

  • Do the unexpected: Name the behavior and be specific.
  • Hold the harasser accountable for his actions. Don’t make excuses for him; don’t pretend it didn’t really happen. Take charge of the encounter and let people know what he did. Privacy protects harassers, but visibility undermines them.
  • Make honest, direct statements. Speak the truth (no threats, no insults, no obscenities, no appeasing verbal fluff and padding). Be serious, straightforward, and blunt.
  • Demand that the harassment stop.
  • Make it clear that everyone has the right to be free from sexual harassment. Objecting to harassment is a matter of principle.
  • Stick to your own agenda. Don’t respond to the harasser’s excuses or diversionary tactics.
  • The behavior is the issue. Say what you have to say, and repeat it if he persists.
  • Reinforce your statements with strong, self-respecting body language: eye contact, head up, shoulders back, a strong, serious stance. Don’t smile. Timid, submissive body language will undermine your message.*

Legal Remedies for Sexual Harassment

If you decide to file a complaint, think about consult an attorney, although you are not required to retain counsel in order to file. Attorney referrals can be obtained by contacting local women’s centers, rape crisis centers or national women’s organizations, your union (if member), specialized employee interest groups, law schools, legal aid community services, state Fair Employment Practice (FEP) agencies, or state Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) offices. In addition, your friends and professional contacts may know suitable attorneys.

Of course there may be some residual emotional aftereffects such as lack of trust, depression, high blood pressure and sleep problems. If you find that you are beginning to show such symptoms, please get support immediately.

In the meantime, check out these resources below.

RESOURCES: 

Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network:  https://www.rainn.org/

Feminist Majority Foundation:  http://www.feminist.org/911/harasswhatdo.html

State Laws on Stalking:  http://statelaws.findlaw.com/new-jersey-law/new-jersey-stalking-laws.html

NJ Lawman – law enforcement magazine:  http://www.njlawman.com/new-jersey-title-2c/2c-33-4-harassment.htm

 

* Tips via the Feminist Majority Foundation

A recipe for loneliness

A recipe for loneliness

Community

As someone who has been single for a long time and as a life coach who supports single professionals, I am particularly conscious of all maladies that could impact singles, most of which is social isolation, loneliness and its byproduct, depression.

I know that the best cure for loneliness is to interact frequently with people (and even a group of people) who share values, beliefs and goals in ways that encourage trust. (Loneliness is actually the want of emotional intimacy so it’s pretty clear that interacting with people on a deeper level can prevent loneliness.) This is the reason why I launched the Empowered Singles Support Circles.

I was talking with a woman the other day about the monthly gatherings and she said some things that made me curious. So I wonder if what she said is true for all of you.

Are you too exhausted to invest in your social network?

She said that singles are too exhausted and busy to attend face to face events; they like being in groups as they maintain the illusion that they are actually attending something but they don’t want to invest time and money unless there’s a high chance of a good payout of meeting a potential partner.

For me, I have never approached socializing with a payout in mind. I’ve only ever wanted to meet people of like minds, to form mutually beneficial relationships that could lead to business relationships, friendships and so on. And in fact, my experiences personally and professionally have demonstrated that when we become attached to outcomes (the payout), we set ourselves up for a lot of frustration and despair and we prevent ourselves from forming relationships that have the potential to benefit us in other ways.

Chat rooms the wave of the future?

How can you know who you're chatting with?

How can you know who you’re chatting with?

She then said that at mix and mingle events, most singles stand around waiting for someone else to make the move because they don’t want to be vulnerable and possibly be rejected but that they LOVE singles chat rooms because they mix and mingle online at home and get to know someone before investing in a public appearance (clothes, make up, drive time, cost of food/drink).

Since I’m somewhat of a social scientist, I started to research how valid this chat room argument is. While it may be true that singles LOVE chat rooms, I haven’t found any proof that chat rooms can actually satisfy our need for social interaction or lead to healthier real-time relationships – but I did find lots of evidence that chat rooms offer the same liabilities as online dating sites.

First, when communicating with people face-to-face, we perceive subtle things about them, so we can decide whether we should respond to them, trust them, or even befriend them. We rely on cues that can only be obtained through body language, tone of voice and so on. Chat rooms deny us that opportunity since we are primarily looking at words on a screen.

Chat rooms, like online dating, encourage us to fall into a common trap that is known in social psychology as perceptual accentuation. Perceptual accentuation is actually an erroneous way of thinking that encourages inaccurate perceptions based on our own desires rather than on reality. In other words, we project on our chat room buddy traits and behaviors that we wish to experience in another person.

Because of the anonymity in a chat room environment, people communicating via chat rooms may put forth less effort to control what they say and may also encourage people to behave counter to the way they typically act. A shy person may behave in a more outgoing manner in a chat room than in a face-to- face interaction. Therefore, people who see themselves as introverted may appear extroverted to others in a chat room.

Either way, chat rooms obscure our ability to make accurate assessments about the person we’re communicating with and I cannot possibly see how this tool can adequately fulfill our primitive need to be eyeball to eyeball with real human beings.

What about you? What are your thoughts and inclinations toward attending live events? What gets in your way? Are you too exhausted to focus on the building blocks of a great life, such as a robust support community?

Ask the Coach: only socializing to find a date?

Ask the Coach: only socializing to find a date?

Ask the Coach Community Special Events Uncategorized

Coach Linda, I read the info on the Empowered Singles support group, where you said this event is not about mindless socializing or to find a date. Isn’t not wanting to be alone the reason people mingle, date, marry, etc.? And what is wrong with Socializing to find a date? When women make comments like this is probably the reason a lot of men are not attending meet ups. Dating is difficult for many men like myself because I work in an environment of mostly men and don’t have the opportunity to meet a lot of women. And then, men are expected to initiate the process. But when I think about it I guess only men can give men good advice on attracting women. Women will say something stupid like “Just be yourself” well I am being Myself and I am still single. ~ Michael*

Michael, this is a great email and there’s so much in it that I’d like to talk about, so thank you for giving me this opportunity.

First, I hear your concern and your need to be in an environment where you can find a potential partner. That seems to be your top priority, am I right? While yes it’s true that the only way to find a potential partner is to socialize, when we socialize only to find a date, we’re setting ourselves up for frustration and disappointment. Here’s why.

National Epidemic: The Isolated Single

Friends vintageSingles need to consciously expand their support community and network to lead a life they love – a single relationship, no matter how compatible, cannot meet all of our emotional and social needs. This is especially important in today’s world because we are such a mobile society, with many people living and working away from where they grew up. The number of people who live alone has increased since 1960 and many of those tend to live isolated social lives. Check out my blog posts on loneliness and isolation and the many benefits of friends HERE and HERE.

Plus, the complexities of any relationship – whether it’s a partner, family member, friend – can prove challenging. If you are NOT learning how to relate with friends and family or even strangers, then you can expect this skill deficit to continue when you are in a love relationship. I consider our social network to be our own personal learning laboratory.

On top of that, many successful couples have found the love of their lives via their social network (despite the illusion that bars and generic singles events offer us opportunities to connect on an authentic basis, less than 10% of happily married couples found their partner at a bar). Finding the relationship you’re looking for in these setting is possible but not very likely. When you have a robust social network, such as the one I am building with the Empowered Singles support circles, more than likely these people (and the people that they know) share the same values, goals and/or passions. This Empowered Singles community will offer a level of mutual support and involvement in each other’s lives.

Friends vintage2While Empowered Singles Circles are not intended to facilitate and promote opportunities to ask people out on dates, chances are that sparks will fly among members, especially as they get to know each other over time and bond. I’ve seen this happen hundreds of times in my own life (when I was living in New York).

Even if you don’t meet the kind of potential partner you are looking for, you can still form friendships and network. You could probably even form professional relationships, which would only enhance your career and finances. Not only that, your new friends can be your best scouts – people that you would want for friends are more likely to know someone who would be a great match for you.

I would encourage you to not look at socializing solely as a “meet market” – this viewpoint will only lead to disappointment if the setting doesn’t have the woman you’re looking for. Have fun, make friends, and by living a life that is fulfilling and interesting to you, you will attract the people you want into your life.

Empowered Singles Circles will Increase Your Happiness

In addition!! My Empowered Singles Circles are support group events, where each participant will be able to talk about the issues, challenges and joys of being a single in today’s digital age. And fancy this: Research suggests that the happiest people have twice as many substantive conversations, and engage in much less small talk, than the unhappiest.  Matthias Mehl, a psychologist at the University of Arizona who published a study on the subject, proposed that substantive conversation seemed to hold the key to happiness for two main reasons:

  • human beings are driven to find and create meaning in their lives, and
  • we are social animals who want and need to connect with other people

“By engaging in meaningful conversations, we manage to impose meaning on an otherwise pretty chaotic world,” Dr. Mehl said in an article in the New York Times. “And interpersonally, as you find this meaning, you bond with your interactive partner, and we know that interpersonal connection and integration is a core fundamental foundation of happiness.”

The happiest person in the study, based on self-reports about satisfaction with life and other happiness measures as well as reports from people who knew the subject, had twice as many substantive conversations, and only one-third of the amount of small talk as the unhappiest, Dr. Mehl said. Almost every other conversation the happiest person had — 45.9 percent of the day’s conversations — were substantive, while only 21.8 percent of the unhappiest person’s conversations were substantive.  

Yeah Buddy! Just Say No to Mindless Socializing!!!

Socializing & the Importance of Social Skills

Second, Michael, you say that women tell you that you should be yourself and yet, while you are yourself, you’re still not finding the love of your life. To be honest with you, you may need to do a little soul searching with that statement. I never advocate for people misrepresenting themselves just to woo a partner yet I’m curious about how you’re showing up in the world. I’m not talking about your likes or dislikes or even your values. I’m talking about things such as attitude and people skills.

For example, think about these questions:

  • Are you always negative, complaining, blaming, and being the victim?
  • How are your social or people skills, such as listening deeply (vs. listening just so you can share your own opinions), collaborating (as opposed to demanding everything be done your way), and resolving conflict in a respectful way?
  • How receptive are you to feedback… or do you react defensively?
  • Do you trust others or are you suspicious/guarded?
  • Do you actively value and appreciate others?
  • When challenging events befall you, do you feel cheated in some way?
  • Do you lack confidence to talk with others, even on a neutral plane?

Embrace Your First Impression

Getting a date hinges on first impressions so think about your appearance. I’m not saying you need to look like George Clooney but do you take care of yourself or do you look like you’re one Happy Meal away from a coronary? Do you take the time to dress neatly or do you look like you just came back from an Australian walk-about? I know this is going to seem really harsh, but studies have shown that regarding a first impression, everything counts.

The fact is that when you first meet a person, he or she makes a judgment about you in approximately four seconds, and his/her judgment is finalized largely within 30 seconds of the initial contact. In a survey of the members of the American Personnel Consultants, members generally agreed that they made their decision to hire or not to hire a person within 30 seconds of the first meeting, Obviously we’re not talking about job interviews here but these details are relevant.

You see, you could go to 365 singles events a year, but if you have no support community, your people skills suck, and you’re not making a powerful first impression, chances are you will be stay single.

Smash this Myth: Women Don’t Approach Men

Third – regarding the belief that women expect men to make the first move – again I’d encourage you to examine that belief to see if it is 100% true. One of the most recurring complaints that I hear from men is that women don’t approach enough. Many, many guys, especially ones who are more socially inexperienced or who deal with acute social anxiety, regularly lament that men are expected to do all the hard work when it comes to trying to start a relationship and wish women would help out by being willing to make the first move.

The truth is that women have become far more empowered to make the first move. They do it all the time. It just seems less significant compared to the many men who shotgun their dating approach. Other times they get brushed off by the men because they’re not the women those men want to approach them.

Then, there are the times when guys don’t recognize that someone is trying to make the first move. More often than not the way women approach men they’re interested in doesn’t match up with how they picture the approach going.

But realize this:  personality matters. It matters……a lot. Most women would pick an average looking guy with a great personality and sense of humor over a hot guy who lacks in those areas. I can absolutely personally attest to that statement.

However, it’s important to realize that all of us get really anxious about approaching people we find attractive, thanks to this deep fear of rejection. Here’s my blog post on this topic:  HERE  

Bust this Myth: Men Don’t Show Up

FINALLY, I’d like to explode the myth that men don’t show up to Meet Up events. Most of the people who have attended the past two Empowered Singles Circles were men. The most recent event attracted 100% men. Now granted, these events are in their infancy and the number of registrations have been small compared to these singles dance events … but if I were to do a projection based on the current percentage of men vs. women, I’d say that these events are going to be havens for guys. Why? My gut tells me that these events are going to be low-pressure with no expectations that they must hook up or be in control.

 So, having explored all of that (whew, that was a LOT), you can see in more ways than one, it makes sense to attend these Empowered Singles Circles so you can build your social network to gain and hone your relationship skills as a way of preparing for, finding and keeping a successful relationship. If you live in New Jersey, please consider joining me for the next one.

 

* This email question has been edited to protect the privacy of the querent.

On the Menu:  Good Conversation

On the Menu: Good Conversation

Community Dating Skills Fulfillment Requirements

“Finding oneself in a good conversation,” writes author Alain de Botton, “is rather like stumbling on a beautiful square in a foreign city at night—and then never knowing how to get back there in daytime.”

Empowered Singles Circles as today’s town square.

Despite living in a society that prizes sociability, most of us who are single struggle with the art of conversation. Despite the illusion that social media actually connects us and meets our need for being social, singles – singles such as yourself – struggle with isolation and loneliness. In the face of growing evidence that we’re leading less socially connected lives, I have a gift for you: an opportunity for you to chart your way back, in the full light of day, to that beautiful town square as pictured above, full of community and conversation via Empowered Singles Circles.

What’s interesting about these Empowered Singles Circles is that, before the rise of the internet, there were groups of people who met regularly to specifically discuss a variety of issues ranging from art to politics to current events. These groups and places were these events were held were called salons which originally started in 16th century Europe and were popular well into the early 20th century.

Kathy Bates portraying Gertrude Stein in Midnight in Paris. This film allows us a glimpse into Stein's famous salons held in 1920s Paris. Salons were opportunities for thinkers, philosophers, poets, writers, artists etc. to gather to share ideas and create community. Maybe you'll be part of this new generation of salon that I'm creating for Empowered Singles.

Kathy Bates portraying Gertrude Stein in the film Midnight in Paris. Stein held famous salons held in 1920s Paris for thinkers, philosophers, poets, writers, artists etc. to share ideas and create community.

(Perhaps you’ve heard of the legendary salons hosted in Paris by writer Gertrude Stein, with frequent guests including Picasso, Hemingway, James Joyce and F. Scott Fitzgerald to name a few. Her salons were brilliant think-tanks and were instrumental in the shaping of that era’s cultural giants. If you check out Woody Allen’s film Midnight in Paris, you will see scenes involving these famous salons – in fact, Kathy Bates portrayed Gertrude Stein, as pictured to the left. One of my favorite scenes involved Adrien Brody as Salvador Dali – brilliant!)

Create a Support Network

While this idea of hosting circles or salons may seem nostalgic or antiquated, I foresee this experience making a big comeback – primarily because of our essential, undying human need for face-to-face contact and the kind of dialogue that can only come with physically interacting with another person. I have personally experienced the kind of nourishment that occurs when meeting and conversing regularly and over a long period of time with people who share similar values.

The purpose of these Empowered Singles Circles is to encourage you to let go of preconceived ideas, become open to the unexpected, to allow you to go deeply into an issue, to learn, to listen. The emphasis of these circles is on community, to create a sense of ‘groupness,’ so that you can achieve higher insight, wisdom and guidance, to open the heart and speak truth.

So take a moment to picture what your life would be like – how would your life be different and even more enjoyable – if you had a place you could regularly go, to discuss what’s your mind – things that maybe your coupled-up friends don’t understand – and learn?

I invite you to become part of this new movement.  Check out the next time we meet by clicking HERE.

 

How social are you?

How social are you?

Community Fulfillment Self Discovery

The most common lament I hear from today’s singles over the age of 40 is the difficulty they have meeting potential partners. When I hear that, it reconfirms for me how broken our approach to being single really is.

In my experience, the singles complaining about not meeting the right people are – among many things – too isolated in their everyday lives, and need to focus on building their community before finding a partner. In fact, it is this isolation – and the fear of being alone – that propels people into relationships that are just not right for them.

Through my Become Successfully Single programs, my clients focus on building their support networks because it’s not only a lost part of our lives, but also offers more benefits than one blog post can actually describe. Support networks and friendships are vital to our well-being on all levels. The problem is that most singles don’t even give this topic a second thought and as a result wind up leading very socially isolated lives.

Are you one of them? Take this assessment, developed by UCLA, consisting of 20 questions. After you read each statement, indicate how often the statement is descriptive of you, using the following scoring system:

1         to indicate you  never feel this way
2        to indicate you  rarely feel this way
3        to indicate you sometimes feel this way
4         to indicate you  often feel this way
______________________________________________

1. I am unhappy doing so many things alone
2. I have nobody to talk to
3. I cannot tolerate being so alone
4. I lack companionship
5. I feel as if nobody really understands me
6. I find myself waiting for people to call or write
7. There is no one I can turn to
8. I am no longer close to anyone
9. My interests and ideas are not shared by those around me
10. I feel left out
11. I feel completely alone
12. I am unable to reach out and communicate with those around me
13. My social relationships are superficial
14. I feel starved for company
15. No one really knows me well
16. I feel isolated from others
17. I am unhappy being so withdrawn
18. It is difficult for me to make friends
19. I feel shut out and excluded by others
20. People are around me but not with me

To determine your level of loneliness, compute your score by adding the ten numbers together.

Scoring System:
30-40: People attaining this score-range are operating comfortably and experience an average level of loneliness.
41-60: People within this range struggle a little with social interactions, experiencing frequent loneliness.
61-80: Scores falling within this range would indicate a person experiencing severe loneliness.

Fear not if you got a high score the first time doing this assessment. I want to reinforce that this quiz merely registers FEELINGS of loneliness … feelings are really predicated on PERCEPTIONS – what you perceive to be true. Your feelings are not FACTS – meaning, you might feel lonely but that doesn’t mean you ARE lonely. You may need to simply shift your perspective OR take some solid steps to form closer connections, which is what we’ll talk about next. You may also need to figure out if you’re being too needy, which can account for your feelings of loneliness.

In addition, you might want to take this test monthly to see whether your score remains static, or whether it dips or rises in response to life events. This won’t solve your loneliness, but it will provide more information about a state that can seem so hard to pin down.

Stay Tuned For More!
(And consider enrolling in my Become Successfully Single home study program!)

Ask the Coach: He has no close friends – Red Flag?

Ask the Coach: He has no close friends – Red Flag?

Ask the Coach Community Requirements

Hey Coach Linda,
I recently met this guy, Roy, at a friend’s party a few months ago – he teaches at the same high school that my friend does – and we’ve been hanging out fairly frequently since then. I find him smart, funny, gracious and kind as well as very attractive. There’s one thing I’ve noticed about him – he doesn’t appear to have any close friends or family. He doesn’t even have a best bud to hang out with. In fact, he often stays home alone. While I certainly like my down-time, I come from a big, close family and have always had a ton of friends so this is a bit unusual for me. Should I be concerned? Is this a red flag? ~ Lisa

Is this your guy?

Is this your guy?

Good timing on this question, Lisa – I’ve been having a number of 1:1 consultations with the people who registered for my Empowered Dating for Introverts webinar and the one commonality between them all is not having an extended mega-watt circle of friends. Not to say this is a bad thing. While I know, based on experience, that having a good social network is crucial to our health, well-being and even our career success, I also know that being a social butterfly does not mean having savvy intimacy skills. I know plenty of families and friends that spend time together, but lack intimacy.

You’re an active member of my community, Lisa, so I just want to remind you of some basic Empowered Dating Principles…Empowered Dating Continue reading

Become an Enlightened “All Star”

Abundance Community Dating Dreams Fulfillment Planning Prosperity Relationships Success Uncategorized

A New Program for those of you living in New Jersey

I’m excited to announce that I have teamed up with Cassie’s Calendar and the “Single & Looking in NJ” meet up group (here) to create an exclusive league of “Enlightened Daters”. Every member who attends my programs, workshops and webinars* will earn a place in a special section of the meet up group with notes about what workshops and events they participated in. I love this! Continue reading

Unveiling: Ask the Coach!

Abundance Community Dating Dreams Prosperity Relationships Solutions
Magic-8-ball

The Ancient Greeks used to travel to the Oracle at Delphi to have their questions answered. Fortunately you don’t have to travel that far.

We all share the same goals: to have a thriving life, with flourishing relationships and financial serenity. As we journey to realize these goals in an empowered, conscious way, we become more confident and experience peace of mind.

Too often, however, I see people floundering around, never quite knowing what they want in life — or how to go about achieving those aims. As people Continue reading