Ask the Coach: He has no close friends – Red Flag?

Ask the Coach: He has no close friends – Red Flag?

Hey Coach Linda,
I recently met this guy, Roy, at a friend’s party a few months ago – he teaches at the same high school that my friend does – and we’ve been hanging out fairly frequently since then. I find him smart, funny, gracious and kind as well as very attractive. There’s one thing I’ve noticed about him – he doesn’t appear to have any close friends or family. He doesn’t even have a best bud to hang out with. In fact, he often stays home alone. While I certainly like my down-time, I come from a big, close family and have always had a ton of friends so this is a bit unusual for me. Should I be concerned? Is this a red flag? ~ Lisa

Is this your guy?

Is this your guy?

Good timing on this question, Lisa – I’ve been having a number of 1:1 consultations with the people who registered for my Empowered Dating for Introverts webinar and the one commonality between them all is not having an extended mega-watt circle of friends. Not to say this is a bad thing. While I know, based on experience, that having a good social network is crucial to our health, well-being and even our career success, I also know that being a social butterfly does not mean having savvy intimacy skills. I know plenty of families and friends that spend time together, but lack intimacy.

You’re an active member of my community, Lisa, so I just want to remind you of some basic Empowered Dating Principles…Empowered Dating requires that you observe, listen to, and believe people when they tell you and/or show you who they are. Empowered Dating also requires you to ask yourself important questions, such as: Who am I? What do I want in a partner? What qualities of life do I want to enjoy with my partner? Start there first.

Then, because you’ve only been dating for a short while, continue to get to know him better — I’d recommend that you get curious instead of judgmental. Refer to your top 6 relationship requirements list and ask questions related to them, so you can either dismiss your concerns or leave the relationship. If your relationship with him cannot satisfy those 6-8 requirements, the relationship is headed for trouble. Everything else is up for negotiation.

Would your guy rather be here than at a raucous party?

Would your guy rather be here than at a raucous party?

If you’re still not sure, and want more concrete validation, notice how emotionally intimate he is with you. Does he take time to open up and share his world? Do you sense total honesty or do you sense secretiveness? How open is he about his feelings, work and other things like his own home? Does he seem confident in and empowered with how he has built his life? How does he interact with your friends and family? Does he obviously enjoy them? Is he accepting of all the time you spend with your close circle of friends and family? Do your closest, most supportive people like and trust him?

Then finally look at the facts of the situation (he doesn’t have close family ties and doesn’t have any really close friends) and ask yourself: Is his way of being in the world match with who I am being in the world? Will I be happy for the rest of my life with a husband who doesn’t have/want close family relationships and friendships?

If you discover that his way of being doesn’t match with yours, that doesn’t mean he’s a bad person, or that he’s wrong, or that he needs to change to suit you. It may simply be that he is a poor life-partner choice for you and you should move on. Hope this helps.

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