Are You Dating Brainlessly?

How to Avoid the Zombie Effect.

Are you Unconsciously Incompetent in Dating and Relationships? I talk about this a lot in my webinars on dating and relationships because, unlike other areas of our lives such as our careers or our health, most of us have not taken any time to educate ourselves on how to have a successful dating life (and ultimately happy relationships).

Most people I know, when they’re single, launch into “action” – signing up for all the different online dating sites, going to speed dating events, hanging out at bars in the hope of meeting someone. Without insight, all these strategies are fundamentally hit or miss. More often than not, they’re “miss” and “miss” strategies.

Most of us think that finding a life partner is something that happens naturally, like breathing. And with that assumption comes exasperating results: the relationships we attract are complicated and “hard”. We’re oblivious to the fact that a little preparation upfront can save us heartache down the road.

What’s more, dating and relationships are completely dominated by emotions – often unacknowledged and misinterpreted – as well as subconscious beliefs which are usually self-deprecating and critical. (They’re also dominated by hormones and chemical reactions in the brain, but I’ll steer clear of the clinical side of love.)

These factors all join together to keep us in the dark in terms of how to attract and keep happy relationships.

The key here is that we are unaware — we are what learning therapists call Unconsciously Incompetent and what I call Dating Zombies.

Date like a zombie and soon your arms will fall off.

Date like a zombie and soon your arms will fall off.

When we date like Zombies, we’re not using our intelligence, our smarts, our brains. We go around doing the same thing, expecting different results – without any thought or reflection upon our actions and their consequences. Albert Einstein called this pattern the definition of insanity.

Unconsciously incompetent means you’re not aware that you have damaging beliefs about yourself and dating, or that you engage in destructive behavior in this area – you might even deny the relevance or usefulness of developing new dating skills, behaviors and patterns yet you keep getting the same results. This denial usually based on fear or insecurity – about which you are again either oblivious or in denial. And often, the unconsciously incompetent actually thinks they are pretty good at attracting and keeping healthy relationships, which gets in the way of them improving.

Being unconscious often means that you attribute your outcomes to external forces, events, and people. Being unconscious is disempowering because you’re blaming everything and everyone for your relationship results, without recognizing that your results are in truth a mirror.

When we allow our dating efforts to be ruled by this “unconsciously incompetent” mindset, we submarine any attempts at relationship bliss.

My newest webinar, called Your Blueprint for Dating Success, touches upon this topic but I thought it was worth exploring a bit more here because, even though you may be frustrated at the moment, there is great news: joyful, empowered dating requires new skills – skills that can be learned and practiced.

And the first step to acquiring new skills is therefore to be alert to the fact that you don’t know that you don’t know. This is where discovering that you’re “unconscious” comes into play. This truth, when unearthed, can be uncomfortable, which is why so many people deny their true level of awareness or scoff at the mere idea of improving dating skills. But equally as uncomfortable is continually manifesting the same dating patterns and frustrations time and time again. Life is short – why are you content to waste your time?

As you become more aware of your patterns and beliefs, and as you take the time to educate yourself, your new skills positively influence your behavior; you then start to move throughout your life and dating experiences without effort and anxiety and with automatic ease.  As you move away from a ‘zombie’ state, you move into a state of flow, where what you want in life is magnetized toward you with little effort. Ultimately, all of the programs I offer, including the 1:1 coaching, is designed to bring you into what I call the Yoda state – where the Force is With You.

Avoiding dating like a zombie is worth it, wouldn’t you agree?

If you’re ready to become the Yoda of your dating and relationship experiences and need some support, please consider enrolling in my Empowered Dating Basic Training program — The web’s #1 course on finding and keeping happy relationships. It’s definitely worth checking out. Guarantees to double your ability to attract relationships that are congruent with what’s most important to you in six months. Learn every detail you could ever want on help you love being you so in turn you will attract someone who loves to be with you! It’s worth a look. The info in my blog posts and free webinars are more than enough to make big things happen but if you want to dig even deeper, go see what Empowered Dating Basic Training is all about.  To find out more, please email me: Linda @

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Dating Dating Skills Relationships Spiritual Laws Success

One comment

  1. Linda K. says:

    I just took the Blueprint for Dating Success Webinar, and let me tell you – it is not only transforming in terms of dating, but in your attitude and success in life in general. I expected the same old “love yourself first, then someone else will too” advice with no concrete ideas, but instead there were concepts, tools and exercises to lead participants not only on the path to dating well, but to being a happier, more positive person. Can’t recommend it enough- this should be on Oprah!

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