Ask the Coach: Should I give up looking?

Ask the Coach: Should I give up looking?

Ask the Coach

I can’t find that special someone

Coach Linda,

I’m not sure what to do here. I’m 41 and never married. I’m a nice guy, but I’ve never found that special someone. I consider myself attractive and intelligent and so do my friends. I’m employed, pretty social, am active in several community groups and am always going out to different events featured on Meet up. I would love to be dating someone but it’s such a struggle. I have a hard time finding available single women. I find the bar scene and online dating are not my thing, so what do I do?

Lately, I’ve been thinking that I’d rather give up looking for something I’ll never find anyway, and just stay single and alone for the rest of my life.

What do you think?

~Tony

searching_for_love koichigotikoTony, I know how frustrating it can be when you want someone special in your life and you haven’t found her (or him) yet. Sometimes it may feel easier to just give up looking. This is something that I still grapple with myself at times…despite all the dating and relationship coaching tools at my disposal, sometimes I feel that this process is like looking for a needle in a haystack.

The thing is, if you and I were to give up, in our hearts we know we would be disappointed. We all deserve to have the love we want. The trick is to approach the process intelligently and intentionally, balancing our desire for an extraordinary relationship with living an extraordinary life. Like all things in life, if we fail to plan, we plan to fail.

Let’s look at a few things a bit more in-depth, starting with some of your foundational beliefs.

One of the first things that jumped out at me from your question is that you probably think that you should have found that special someone by the time you reach your 40s. The unadulterated truth is that most people haven’t (even if they are married!). A good 50% of today’s couples are headed for a divorce; another 40% don’t have the information or education they need to create a frickin fantastic relationship (and aren’t looking for that information either). Just because someone is married, doesn’t mean a dang thing.

Perhaps you believe that finding true love should be easy. Nothing could be further from the truth. It takes hard work to find special love, and hard work to keep it. This is why it pays to be intelligent and intentional in your life.

What also struck me is that you are engaging in some negative thinking and self-talk. Don’t get me wrong – we all have an inner critic that loves to point out all the negative things in our lives. For instance, most of us tell ourselves every day we can do this or can’t do such and such. In your case, you stated that it’s a struggle to date, you never meet anyone and you don’t attract single women.

We have to be careful what we say to ourselves since what we focus on, expands. Our success and happiness in any area of life begins within us. The vibes we send out are immediately subconsciously picked up by others, and create a self-fulfilling purpose. It sounds like your vibes may be screaming, “I’m getting desperate because I think I’m getting old,” or “I’m a loser in the dating arena.” When we tell ourselves a million times that something is difficult, it subsequently becomes a rock-hard belief that makes the task or situation much more difficult than it really is.

It also appears you have no plan in place to meet that special someone, which is a common singles problem.

Your Homework Assignments

First, if you find yourself suffering from stinkin’ thinkin’, repeat after me: “I AM A GREAT CATCH.” Because you are! And a great woman will love you, for you, if you apply the right kind of effort to your search. And to be truthful, my Become Successfully Single and Relationship Ready coaching programs – either home study or VIP intensive – are designed to help you do just that. If you’re out there in the world and you’re not getting the results you want, then it’s time for you to get serious about your approach. Email me HERE to set up a time for us to talk about getting you enrolled.

Next, here are six tips to get you started.

#1 – You mentioned, ” … it’s a struggle.” Make a list of what those struggles are. As you reveal each struggle, ask yourself, “What are my responsibilities in this?”, “What could I contribute to help myself in this situation?” and “If I could do this again, what would I do differently?”

#2 – Love, inside out. Spend quality time getting to know yourself in relation to relationships. And, if there are areas to work on, like removing bad habits, negative assumptions and fear, work toward mending and healing. Phase out the unnecessary that inhibits your confidence, and nurture the lovely that your friends and family embrace about you.

Part of this process, which is what we cover together in my coaching programs, is identifying your top values, relationship requirements, and what you really want in a relationship. What most don’t realize is that you must be clear on what is it, exactly, that you are looking for in a relationship, and what type of person it will take to co-create it with you.

#3 – Positive mental imagery. Mentally envisioning successful outcomes will help train your mind to believe in attaining those goals. Olympians practice this exercise to achieve their successes. Through trial and error, they maximize their abilities envisioning their goals. Why shouldn’t you? Imagine your successes in meeting, dating and having a healthy relationship, and go for your own gold!

Sorry, I had to.

Sorry, I had to include this image. 🙂

#4 – Eliminate ‘either/or’ thinking. There are many choices other than your black-and-white options of “that special someone” or “stay single and alone”. Why not have several casual special someones and enjoy life until Miss Ultimately Special shows up? I’m not suggesting you play the field or get overly emotionally invested in several people but there’s nothing wrong in getting to know people.

#5 Employ smart strategies. Ask friends to introduce you to women they know. Join civic organizations that interest you and will benefit the community and also allow you to meet women. Experiment outside your comfort zone perhaps including other cities, other cultures, other countries, and yes, even virtual universes (online dating…). Don’t limit yourself to one or two dating venues.

#6 Pay attention to your body language. Are you welcoming? Do you smile and make eye contact? Is your vibe relaxed, friendly and confident – or do you lock onto to people and make them feel like they’re cornered?

The bottom line:

Just because you’re in your 40s doesn’t mean life is over and you’re hopeless. There is no hurry. One of my cousins recently met someone who is now the love of her life and she’s in her late 50s!! So get informed, be intentional without being obsessive, have fun, patiently build relationships with a variety of people, and allow the universe to act as your wingman.

Can you be romantic without a romantic partner?

Can you be romantic without a romantic partner?

Fulfillment

romance – noun (rəˈmæns ; ˈrəʊmæns)

* a love affair, esp. an intense and happy but short-lived affair involving young people
* love, esp. romantic love – idealized for its purity or beauty
* a spirit of or inclination for adventure, excitement, or mystery

The other day, one of my clients and I were working together to help her identify her top 5 values. Values identification is one of the very first coaching exercises all of my clients go through because our values form the foundations of our lives; to live in “right relationship” with our selves, we must be congruent with them.

One of her top 5 values stopped me in my tracks.

Can you guess what it was?

Bingo! You’re right – it was ROMANCE.

Uh.. yeah, No. You don't need this to honor romance in your life.

Uh.. yeah, No. You don’t need this to honor romance in your life.

When I saw that, I had to challenge her a little bit on what this truly meant to her because when most people think of romance, they think of it in terms of having a romantic, sexual partner. While this is totally understandable, given our society’s tendency to lump sex with romance, it can lead into a trap … here’s why.

To live a life we are totally energized by and engaged with, we must learn to honor our top 5 values on a daily basis … and we need to find the independence within that allows us to honor them, regardless of outside circumstances. When we rely on a romantic partner to satisfy any of our top values, we jeopardize our own fulfillment because we are at the mercy of someone else.

We often don’t recognize that it’s our job to meet our own needs and honor our own values. This is what I mean when I talk about being The Chooser or the Architect of our lives. It’s the lack of taking responsibility that has lead us to become a society overly obsessed with finding that one perfect person and partnering up — so much so that we’ve forgotten how to love in other ways. You know, without a romantic partner.

Surprise! Romance is not actually synonymous with sexual feelings! (Although most people use it as a way to elicit those feelings.) Not only is the feeling of romance not dependent on romantic or sexual feelings, it doesn’t have to happen with a partner. (And geez, watch what you’re thinking!!)

Romance is about enjoying spending time with someone, enjoying their company. Romance is about emotional intimacy, caring and concern.

You can enjoy that fuzzy feeling in all sorts of ways. When we think of romance in a non-sexual way, and fall in love with our lives, we’re really allowing ourselves to experience a spirit of or inclination for adventure or excitement.

So if romance is important to you in your life, and you’re ready to create it in your life, read on for eight exciting, unique opportunities to experience ROMANCE in a new way.

  1. best friend dogYour dog, cat, horse, bird or other pet.

All creatures great and small have love and affection to give, and your pet is no exception. And besides, our pets’ love is unconditional, whereas some people can run either hot or cold while still others find it nearly impossible to give that sort of love. You know your favorite furball will love you even on your worst days.

  1. Your children.

Granted, it may be harder to fall in love with your children when they refuse to clean up after themselves, are giving you a hard time about curfew or what have you… yet wait a few years and the feeling may come back. If you don’t have children, perhaps there is a special child in your life, like a niece or a nephew or your best friend’s kids, that you can lavish with attention. (I know that’s what I do with my niece.)

  1. best friend girlsYour best friend.

When was the last time you allowed yourself to truly and deeply appreciate your dearest friend(s)? When was the last time you renewed your vows of deep friendship? I know that when I express my appreciation to my dearest friends, it lights up their day and in turn, it lights up mine.

  1. Your favorite author, actor, artist, or athlete.

No, this doesn’t mean you have permission to stalk them or harbor any delusions that they love you back. And no, it’s not all about worshipping celebrities. It’s about discovering what you enjoy about their work. Try to think on a local level, too – there are all kinds of local artists pretty much everywhere who would love to hear some honest-to-goodness praise of their work.

  1. Your favorite family member who makes you feel loved and special.

Small gestures mean a lot. I know that when my niece insists that I sit next to her at our family holiday dinners, I feel beams of love emanating from my heart. Maybe you can do something similar with a beloved family member that causes their heart to burst with joy.

  1. Your work and career.

Yes, some people really do fall in love with the work they do and the difference they make in their world. I know many who are crazy about their profession. Loving your career can be one of the most rewarding and fruitful things you do. Not wild about your career? It’s time we work together to make some changes in your life!

  1. romance red_natureNature.

When we engage with Nature, we open the door to our intelligence, notice the lessons to be learned, and see that everything has its own purpose, rhythm and balance. We learn from Nature about how to truly be who we are — that is, to be in full and open self-expression. Nature also gives us an easy and powerful way to work in the realm of soul ~ even a small amount of time in Nature can awaken the Sacred within. Engaging with Nature is about opening to the possibility that the entire universe is a resource for growth.

  1. Your life and life itself.

If you can fall in love with life — your life — then you’ll live each day with a full and open heart. Doesn’t that sound wonderful?

10 things to do right now to find your perfect partner

10 things to do right now to find your perfect partner

Dating Dreams

1. Start by losing the losers
If you want to find your soul mate, you must be available and not involved with people who aren’t right for you. It’s helpful to get crystal clear on what works for you in a relationship and what does not.

2. OK, available now? Next… are you “ready?”
Do you have anything “unfinished” that might sabotage your next relationship? Get it handled now! This includes ridding yourself of beliefs and behaviors that prevent you from attracting the extraordinary.

3. Next, make a list your top five requirements
Your requirements are the “must haves” in your relationship, otherwise you would not enter into the relationship or you would leave if you were in it. Make a list of your non-negotiable deal-breakers and vow not to get involved with anyone who doesn’t meet all five. Share your list with your closest friends and make them swear to tell you the truth and to lock you up if you get off-track.

4. Good job. Now, let’s get crystal clear about this “dating” thing
If you want to avoid the deadly dating traps, focus on these Four Steps for Empowered Dating. My clients focus on these four steps in-depth in my “Attract the Love of Your Life” coaching program.

• Scouting: This is the process of finding compatible people to meet, whether through internet dating sites, through friends, through getting out there, etc.

• Sorting: This is about quickly determining if someone you meet has potential. You’ll need to have your top five requirements handy.

• Screening: This step is concerned with collecting enough information about the other person to determine if your requirements would be met.

• Testing: This step involves dating a few times so that you can compare the reality with the information you gathered.

5. Get support
Don’t do this alone. Dating can be scary and isolating, and your friends and family can be your safety net to help you stay on track. If you want to save yourself time and frustration (as well as unlock your joy and peace of mind), consider enrolling in my Become Successfully Single & Relationship Ready coaching programs.

6. Work it!
Most people meet their soul mate through someone they already know, so let people know you’re looking for someone and network like crazy. Be smart about it though – the scattershot approach will only exhaust you.

7. Be positive and happy
Success breeds success, just as misery loves company. It’s your choice.

8. Be the Chooser!
Go after what you want proactively and don’t simply react to what or who chooses you.

9. Be assertive!
If you settle for less, you’ll get less. Ask for what you want and say “no” to what you don’t want.

10. Live a great life NOW while you’re single
“If you build it, they will come” (from the movie “Field of Dreams”). By creating a life you love, you will naturally attract people who fit.

 

If you really, truly, once and for all, want to be happy in your life, enjoy being single, date blissfully and create extraordinary relationships, enroll in my Become Successfully Single & Relationship Ready coaching program. In the words of one of my clients, Anita: “This is the best gift that I gave myself”. Email me here to get started.

 

Many thanks to David Steele for this inspiration!