Ask the Coach: My friend dumps me when she dates someone new

Ask the Coach: My friend dumps me when she dates someone new

Ask the Coach Relationships

Dear Coach Linda:  I see that you are hosting some events to help people build up their social networks (in person and not just on Facebook) – I want you to know that I completely agree with you about the importance of creating and sustaining a healthy network of friends for support. I love my friends and really invest a lot of time in cultivating each friendship. I’ve been divorced for 5 years now and am single but I never feel like I’m missing out on anything, thanks to my friends. But here’s something I’ve experienced and I just don’t understand. I have a friend who must think friends are only useful when she feels lonely — when she meets a new romantic interest, she ignores her pals, including me. Is this normal? Should I be offended? ~ Jayne

Hi Jayne, thanks for your question. I can see how much you value community and authenticity! First, remember that it’s natural for your friend to get excited about a new love interest, and therefore devote most of her free time to him in the beginning. Most people do the very same thing. However, like anything in life, balance is the key. So if your friend is consistently dumping you (meaning that she no longer returns phone calls, can’t be bothered to reply to text or email, or iseven standing you up) when she meets someone new, she’s creating a bind for herself and being unfair to you. As I’ve said many times before, isolated singles become isolated couples become isolated divorcés. For her own sake, your friend should be able to date her new guy and still make time for friends if she wants to be fully satisfied in her life.

When a New Romantic Relationship Begins
To be fair, it’s important to cut your friend some slack during the early stages of her new relationship. After all, it takes time for a healthy relationship to grow, and sometimes that requires spending time alone with each other. However, true friends would never completely blow off previously made plans with you to spend time with the new romantic interest. A good friend would never refuse to answer your efforts to communicate or get angry with you for trying to get in touch.

Is There a Pattern?
If your friend completely forgets who you are when she’s in a relationship, yet comes crawling back each time she’s single again, that’s a problem for both of you actually. In your case, your friend is displaying a pattern of “bad friend” behavior, and showing that the friendship really isn’t a priority in her life. So if this person has done it before and you see another similar episode about to happen, talk to your friend. Tell her that your friendship is important to you, and that you don’t want it to end just because she’s in a relationship. Let her have the “new and in love” time at the beginning, but if you see that your friend is drifting away from you again, talk about your feelings. Your friend may not realize that what she’s doing is an unhealthy thing. (I’ve had this happen with a few friends myself.)

In her case, if she regards friends merely as “something to keep her busy” until she meets a romantic partner, she’s not only missing out on a very important part of her emotional life but she will inevitably heap too much responsibility upon her partner, expecting him to satisfy her every need. No romantic relationship will endure that kind of pressure and will undoubtedly fail – plus isolation from social input comes with a long list of emotional and physical ailments. In the long run, she will lack the balance and support that friendship can give. My teleseminar on Boosting Your Attractor Factor by Expanding Your Social Circlewill highlight all the great reasons why Empowered Singles (and Empowered Couples) NEED to nurture healthy support networks. Too many people do not devote enough time in this area — there’s just no way to have a great life without the support of community.

Know When to Leave the Friendship
Choosing to let a friend go is never an easy decision. If your friend consistently shows you that she’ll leave you high and dry whenever a new boyfriend comes calling, it may be time to walk away. Before you do, make sure she understands why you feel this way. If she’s sensitive to your feelings and is willing to change, give her a second chance. If not, she probably wasn’t that great of a friend to begin with. While we all know that isolated couples will eventually break up, we sometimes can’t save them from their fate no matter how hard we try. If you decide to “break up” with your friend, sincerely wish her the best and then return to the friends who treat you well. Good luck!

Who wants a robust social life?

Who wants a robust social life?

Relationships Special Events

No man is an island that is for sure. I can’t imagine Dale Earnhardt Jr. getting by in a race without his pit crew. Or an Olympic athlete getting by without her coaches. Or anyone with dreams and aspirations ­– maybe someone like you – getting by without friends and mentors. As someone who is an Empowered Single, your support network – meaning your friends, family, work associates etc. – have a profound impact on how happy you are in your life and how well you achieve your dreams and goals. Most single peeps, however, don’t take a moment to cultivate and nurture their support networks at all. Or if they do, they often drop their pit crew like a hot potato when they finally shack up with someone. Big mistake yet way too many people do it.

The good news is that it’s never too late to create a vibrant support network – even at our age (35+). And that’s exactly what I aim to help you with. Coming up: two opportunities to forge friendships with other Empowered Singles and one learning opportunity to understand how to properly build your network and even leverage it. Check it out:

Good friends make a life worth celebrating.

Teleseminar: Boost Your Attractor Factor By Expanding Your Support Network – August 5th: https://build-community.eventbrite.com – This teleseminar, part of my Empowered Dating monthly series, will teach you why loneliness can hurt you, how to break out of isolation, how to assess your current support network, how to meet potential new friends and create a network (especially if you’re an introvert), how to connect authentically with your support network and how to leverage your community to help you find a partner.

Live Event: Create Your Happy Ever After Empowered Singles Circles – August 6th: https://create-your-happy-circle1.eventbrite.com – My new Empowered Singles Circles ­– this one is in Keyport, NJ – will help you Create Your Happy Ever After. These live events are designed to help you create trust and develop close personal relationships, give and receive the support you need to achieve your dreams, release sabotaging beliefs in a sacred, safe space, discover and practice the principles of empowered living and transform old, destructive patterns of the past.

Live Event: Create Your Happy Ever After Empowered Singles Circles -August 20th:https://create-your-happy2.eventbrite.com – For those who can’t make it on August 6th, I’ve scheduled a second circle to be held in Manasquan, NJ. Again, these circles are all about creating a wave of positive energy to help you move to your highest level of joy and success in all areas of your life so that you can become Successfully Single and love your life. These powerful Empowered Singles Circles were created to give you the training and support necessary to move your life to new levels of success in all areas. Working on yourself and loving your life, as an Empowered Single, requires discipline and a support system. We must remain consistent and focused to experience long-term changes in life. Receive the support and positive energy to help you right here.

I hope you can join me for these upcoming events!

The Secret Sauce to Attracting a Conscious Partnership

The Secret Sauce to Attracting a Conscious Partnership

Dating Dating Skills Relationships

I know way too many  (and I mean WAYYYY TOO MANY) singles who desire to attract a great relationship and only focus on strategies – actions undertaken to achieve an aim or goal. Meanwhile they completely ignore certain truths that need to be addressed for the strategy to work. In fact, the other day I had a conversation with a woman who not only tried EHarmony, Match.com, OKCupid and 2 other dating sites, but also paid a matchmaker $4000 to find her a partner. All of which ultimately failed, despite her vehement assertions that “I know exactly what I want in a partner”. (Red Flag Alert!!) So what went wrong? As I’ve said, your inner game is the key that unlocks your gateway to happiness. And why do I stress the inner game so much? Consider this:

You are a magnet.

I’m sure right now you’re picturing yourself as a giant U-shaped piece of metal but actuallywhat I’m talking about is that we are all radiating energy. (OK so here we move to a quantum physics perspective, so hang on.)

Energy makes up everything in existence throughout the universe; it vibrates at certain frequencies depending upon what it is manifest as. Everything is energy and energy is an attractive force, binding together to form matter as we know it.

Everything we sense through our natural five senses of sight, hearing, smell, touch and taste is also made up of energy. We also know that things we cannot sense such as radio waves, certain sound waves and even light waves that are outside the visible spectrum are all made up of energy.

Probably the toughest part to comprehend is the fact that even our thoughts are made up of energy and thus vibrate at certain frequencies, depending upon what we are thinking about and what emotion is driving or being driven by those thoughts. Thoughts are far more powerful than we have ever imagined because they not only have the ability to vibrate at their own frequency, they can alter in frequency depending on what we are thinking about. What’s even more compelling is that our thoughts can attract energy to them that is vibrating on the same frequency. This is the underlying explanation of the Law of Attraction. And guess what, as a single wanting to find a conscious partnership, you are in the quantum physics/Law of Attraction game.

If you want some proof of this, try this exercise. Wake up in the morning and dwell upon something that you don’t like about your life. Maybe you don’t really like your commute. So throughout the morning, focus on how much you despise your commute, how rude the other drivers are, how expensive gas is and so on. Linger in this anger the entire morning. Now, when you arrive at your office, take note of how your coworkers react to you. More than likely, they’re going to stay away. The energies of your thoughts have created this subliminal physical barrier that pushes people away.

So as we have energies and our thoughts have energies, which have vibrations, we are always repelling or attracting people and experiences that jive with those vibrations. Being aware of what we’re putting out there is vital when you’re looking to attract someone or something into your life, like an extraordinary relationship. If you want to attract a conscious, soul mate partnership, you won’t be able to do so if your inner game, or your inner energy, is wonky and mired in muck.

However, it’s not enough to know this on an intellectual level. You need to do the kind of deep reflective work – and consciously engage in transformational exercises like the ones my clients experience through my coaching programs – to attract what you really want in your life.

Here are some things you can do to prepare your inner game and thus influence your energy so you can attract a conscious relationship.

Cut Energetic Cords of the Past: Many spiritual traditions posit that people – including romantic partners – come into our lives to teach us our life lessons. Some of our teachers stay with us and some move on. When we remain blind to the greater reasons of each experience, and the impermanence of all things (another Buddhist lesson), to remain attached, we sabotage our ability to learn and grow. For instance, if a romantic relationship is particularly rocky or difficult, when the time comes to move on, we may sometimes hold onto anger, resentment, blaming and so on. When you frequently (and angrily) reflect on how they hurt you or wronged you – or if you still actively and contentiously engage with them (i.e., still fight it out) even though you are no longer together – it creates an energetic cord that keeps you connected with them in a way that does not foster growth. If you’re still holding grudges or if you’re keeping unresolved issues with past partners alive, you block your ability to complete the relationship at a deeper level. In addition, all of this bound up emotional pain acts like an energy vampire that takes over your emotional and mental states and feeds from your negative thoughts and dramatic reactions. Because “like attracts like”, you will continually attract people of similar energetic patterns. Cut these ties and allow yourself to heal and move on so you can attract a partner with a higher “frequency” or “vibe” or wavelength.

Resolve Past Painful Experiences: Similar to the above, any unresolved painful or traumatic events like betrayal, abandonment, rejection, or abuse (whether physical, emotional, or psychological) that you’re still holding on to will become encoded. It sets us up for a karmic merry-go-round. Because the universe wants us to return to being whole, you’ll continue to subconsciously attract the people, places, things, and events that resonate in an effort to help you move beyond them. Therefore its important to learn your lessons.

Nurture Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion: When people feel confident, worthy and deserving of attracting an empowered relationship, they will inevitably manifest this into their reality. Clearing the source of our inner critical voice will eradicate any self-diminishment and doubt. And as a quick aside, I recently held a special teleclass on the subject of improving self-esteem. The recording will be made available on my new web site in a few weeks.

Address Sabotaging Beliefs: We always have a viewpoint or underlying belief about our lives and the situations we face. How often do you say to yourself: “Things never go my way.” Or – “I’ll never find my perfect match.” Our viewpoints–often blinkered perspectives–are shaped by everything we experience, from our family, culture, environment, health etc. Our assumptions, beliefs and attitudes form the foundations of our lives and influence our energetic core. The challenge with limiting beliefs is that they block manifestation. We hold them as facts, yet they are not. It’s vital to recognize that our current viewpoint is just one way of looking at a situation. To liberate us from our self-imposed limitations, we have to become aware of what our beliefs are and how they were shaped. Read more about limiting beliefs HERE.

Pay Attention to the Physical Self: From a spiritual perspective, your physical body is your temple – the sacred vessel for your spirit and soul. Your body is also your mirror, reflecting for the most part how you regard yourself. When you neglect your health, you send a message to the universe that you don’t feel you’re worthy of respect. Now this doesn’t mean that if your health falters, it’s a sign that you’re sabotaging yourself and that you’ll never attract a conscious partner. Heck, when I was diagnosed with cancer, I was in the best shape of my life, and had been eating well for years. What it did mean was that I needed to take even better care of myself and to explore my physical health on an emotional level so that I could retain my reverence and respect for myself in the face of such a crisis (it’s easy to slip into low self-esteem and depression when you are facing a major illness). If you can’t nurture yourself, it will be highly unlikely that you can nurture a relationship in a way that is ‘enlightened’. While it’s true that a conscious partner is not looking for a trophy, your physical self must be in alignment with your mental, emotional and spiritual self to unequivocally bolster your “vibe” to the universe that will attract a conscious relationship. Having a loving relationship with your physical being means making sure your hormones are in balance, you’re in a healthy weight range and fitness level, you’re eating well and getting enough sleep. It also means not being a slave to the projections from society surrounding beauty and weight.

Now go radiate, would ya?

Master Relationship Skills – once you’re ready to attract a conscious partner, its important to understand what keeps a relationship fresh and new and exciting. It’s all about learning and mastering relationship skills, and using practices that will keep the relationship growing and evolving in greater love, passion, commitment, trust and joy. I have two programs (Become Relationship Ready and Attract the Love of Your Life) that prepare you for such a conscious partnership while my soon-to-be launched Empowered Relationships for Couples program focuses on moving any couple into a grounded and centered way of being, where each partner knows how to communicate effectively and compassionately, owns their issues and works empathetically toward conflict resolution. So schedule your initial consultation with me now so we can talk more about what you can do on a spiritual and energetic level to attract and co-create your soul mate partnership.

A spiritual partnership is merely a lump of coal that…

A spiritual partnership is merely a lump of coal that…

Dating Relationships Uncategorized

I know all this spiritual talk must sound esoteric mumbo jumbo but frankly I think everyone desires to be in a relationship with a conscious (i.e., aware) partner whether or not they overtly follow a spiritual path. By spiritual, I mean being concerned with the “higher” things in life, such as their own emotional, psychological and soul evolution.

Most passionate, committed and loving relationships are, indeed, conscious ones, showing a high degree of compassion, honesty, intentionality, communication, empathy and so on.

Despite this ubiquitous desire to attract a conscious relationship, and despite all the inner work that spiritual, or evolutionary, singles do, few actually get to attract such a ready-made partner into their reality right off the bat. I don’t want to sound like a big bummer because I don’t mean the situation is hopeless. I just mean that most people are diamonds in the rough and there’s a lot that can be done to co-create and sustain a high-vibrational or high functioning relationship. So let’s talk more about this.

Start with the Right Mindset
First of all, as I mention in pretty much every blog post, we need to continually unearth what’s going on with our experiences (rightmindfulness) because we’ve all become so adept at deceiving ourselves that even those who have the most ardent spiritual practices can fall into Dating Traps ( check some of them out here ). Or we fall into another trap that I like to call the Perfect Already Trap, where the spiritual or inner-looking single demands that his or her partner must have already attained Buddhahood, a state of perfect enlightenment. Therefore, it becomes even more important for us spiritual folks to become supremely aware of subconscious beliefs, and black or white thinking, that we unwittingly may still be carrying around.

Use the right tools
Contrary to popular belief, we don’t “find” our soul mate; we co-create our soul mate partnership through an equal exchange of energy, knowledge, compassion, empathy, and right communication. I’ve got a blog post coming up on the truth about soul mates but in the meantime, remember that some spiritual peeps may be farther along in the journey but some may actually be just starting their journey in earnest. And remember, just because someone calls him or herself spiritual that’s no guarantee they’re enlightened. I remember meeting a yoga teacher through Match.com who was not only an hour late for our meet up but behaved in a bombastic manner throughout the evening, telling me what to do, criticizing my body and not listening to what I had to say. Or an acquaintance who went to every spiritual workshop and weekend intensive but remained incredibly snarky, gossipy and unforgiving. So maybe a better evaluation tool is to observe people’s willingness to learn and connect with you in the process of dating.

conscious relationshipsSoul mate relationships may be co-created … but here’s how to increase your odds
In that spirit, today I want to make it easier for you to identify what a conscious person looks like by pinpointing typical enlightened behavior within a relationship, so that in your search for a spiritual partner, you don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Overall, a conscious partner:

  • Is not looking for a trophy wife or sugar daddy; instead, they’re looking for natural, genuine and authentic partners
  • Provides a safe space for you to express yourself
  • Allows healthy emotional expression (including anger) and doesn’t expect you to be a Stepford Partner. In fact, a conscious person may even help you sort through what’s making you angry, to help you find the hidden gems called Your Needs
  • Knows how to authentically and deeply listen to you (and not listen in order to formulate a reply or rebuttal)
  • Makes you a priority without being codependent
  • Is fully committed to you and the relationship
  • Makes you feel unique and significant
  • Is open-minded, relaxed and comfortable with sexuality
  • Lets go of self-righteousness, and the need to control everything
  • Is comfortable saying “I’m wrong” and “I’m sorry”
  • Is equally ok with fully embodying both “masculine” traits and behaviors (proactivity, aggression, initiation, action, manifestation and movement) as well “feminine” traits and behaviors (nurturance, receptivity, love, compassion, connection, empathy), knowing in some way that these traits are not exclusive to gender
  • Doesn’t avoid conflicts and knows how to navigate tension to resolve disagreements with compassion
  • Has as top priorities good health, evolution and personal growth

Does that describe you? If so, then congrats – you are a spiritual partner!

While it’s true that finding a conscious partner may take some work (this is the quest for the Holy Grail, after all), I know that it’s possible. I’ve had the privilege to work with many conscious men who are looking for a committed relationship with a conscious woman and vice versa. They do exist.

Why are you not attracting a conscious partner?
What, then, keeps people such as yourself from attracting and being in a relationship with a conscious partner? After 15 years of working with people from all over the world, I’ve noticed certain patterns that prevent people from attracting a conscious partnership. These patterns or dynamics keep them stuck on a karmic, merry-go-round where they keep attracting the same type of person (dishonest, non-committed, unavailable, immature, etc.) or not attract any one at all.

Once the kind of deep inner work is undertaken to identify and transform these patterns, which is what my Empowered Relationships programs provide, the possibility of attracting a conscious partner and manifesting an extraordinary relationship becomes inevitable.

Up Next:
How to ensure you will attract a conscious partner.

Three simple, spiritual truths in dating & relationships

Three simple, spiritual truths in dating & relationships

Dating

I have the honor of hanging out with a lot of philosophers, mages and holistic healers who are on an active journey to raise the bar for themselves and for others. Because part of their journey is learning to decode the mystery and get to a better understanding so they can experience peacefulness and joy from the inside out, it’s no surprise that our conversations are always interesting and meaningful. So I was delighted that Christie asked me about attracting a spiritual partner not too long ago (here) because it’s a specific topic that I’ve never fully addressed with my clients, peers, and friends.

Christie’s email reminded me of all the good things about people on a spiritual path, such as being mindful, conscious and curious. Most people embark on a spiritual journey tostimulate greater insight and clarity, to return to a sense of wholeness and peacefulness. It’s a noble impetus.

Her email also reminded me of the common snares and traps that spiritual people sometimes fall into. Yes, that right – snares since I know how adept we all are at our own subterfuge. I know many of us resist seeing the ways in which we deceive ourselves, especially in the realm of the heart, so it’s important to explore these common “spiritual dating” traps so that our relationships can “vibrate at a higher frequency” (to use an energetic analogy).

en·light·ened (adj)
1. free of ignorance, prejudice, or superstition
2. having a sound and open-minded understanding of all the facts, or based on such an understanding
3. having achieved the realization of a spiritual or religious understanding, especially when it results in the transcendence of human suffering and desire

source: Encarta® World English Dictionary

Spiritual people * spiritual dating traps

We become skillful actors, and while playing deaf and dumb to the real meaning of the teachings, we find some comfort in pretending to follow the path.  ~Chogyam Trunpga Rinpoche

OK so that quote may seem a little scathing – I know many spiritual people are not intentionally trying to pretend to be somebody or something else. But there are some that believe that the mere act of reading tons of spiritual books, and taking every class under the sun, qualifies them as being “evolutionary” or “enlightened”. As a member of clergy who has participated in ordinations of others, I’ve witnessed people go for their clergy credentials and still remain locked in judgment and limiting, self-sabotaging thinking and destructive actions.

In addition, we live in a culture that rewards instant gratification and thus there are some who expect their transformation to be instantaneous as well. They get frustrated and disappointed when they don’t achieve inner peace after reading that book or taking a day-long workshop.

The challenge for many spiritual people is that they have voracious appetites for reading and learning, then think they know everything. Yet they are continually surprised and sideswiped when they are still not getting what they think they deserve. Or they think that they are above getting REAL help.

True spirituality, just like co-creating a fulfilling relationship that reflects our emerging awakening, takes patience, hard work and commitment. On my spiritual path, we call it aspiritual practice, because it is only through the repeated process of doing something to make it an established habit, not via the accrual of intellectual knowledge, that we can attain a higher level of existence. The same can be said about co-creating relationships – a truly extraordinary relationship requires the seeker to master key relationship skills, which can only be done by practicing and applying those skills. Thus a spiritual path is a process to help you remove or move beyond the conditioned responses that obscure your true nature. On the relationship journey, the path is a process to help you remove conditioned responses that obscure the truth of love. In this sense the spiritual and relationship path is ultimately about unlearning rather than learning – which is a paradox. We learn so we can unlearn and uncover.

Spiritual lessons that bolster extraordinary relationships
For me, the biggest lessons I’ve learned, which have made me more peaceful about my heart journey, came from my shamanic Wiccan background. On this path, we experience everything as part of the divine – divinity is imminent, therefore everything is sacred. When we recognize the divine within all things, we are less willing to desecrate anything and anyone. We treat all things with respect and kindness.

As I’ve traveled along my journey, I’ve also benefited from Buddhist teachings surrounding the Noble Eightfold Path. The Noble Eightfold Path is the fourth of the Four Noble Truths (see below) and is described as a practical method leading to the cessation of the experience of suffering and the achievement of self-awakening. The Noble Eightfold Path is used to develop insight into the true nature of reality and to eradicate greed, hatred, and delusion (i.e., false or mistaken beliefs or ideas about something).

Four Noble Truths

I do not label myself a Buddhist at all, and can only speak of it in simplistic terms (which in my eyes is perhaps all the better – the less intellectualization, the more powerful). However, the Eightfold Path really helped me see that everything that manifests in our lives, including our relationship status, is a mirror of our inner game. The Dali Lama once said: “When you realize that everything springs only from yourself, you will learn both peace and joy.” If loving relationships are an important part of our Garden of Eden, we absolutely cannot co-create one if our head is a thicket of weeds and prickles and our heart is scorched earth.

An important point in the Noble Eightfold Path, in my eyes, is “right* mindfulness”, having complete or thorough Awareness. Through this particular path, we develop cognizance and understanding of things, our “selves”, feelings, thoughts, other people and Reality. Through right mindfulness, we can release ourselves from the trap of taking everything personally, holding grudges and blaming others. (* Not “right” as in correct but “right” as in alignment.)

The Eightfold Path also teaches us about a key relationship skill: perfected or whole speech, also called right speech, which is clear, truthful, uplifting and non-harmful communication. I’ll talk more about communication skills, as well as the power of the words we use, in upcoming blog posts but in general, this path clearly influences how skillfully we express, communicate, think, and thereby create the events in our life. (Like a sword with two edges, our word can either create the most beautiful dream, or destroy everything around us.)

eightfold path

The biggest lesson I’ve learned, particularly through direct observation of way too many frustrated, distressed and angry singles, deals with the origin of our suffering – which in this case is the experience of emotional or psychological pain. Suffering arises fromattachment to desires, cravings, yearnings, identities, thoughts, behaviors, outcomes and so on. This is huge because I see so many singles – even spiritual ones like Christie – clinging to the myth that relationships are the cause of happiness, as in: “I’ll be happy when I have a romantic partner.” Too many singles think happiness is contingent upon external circumstances and situations, rather than upon their own inner attitude toward things, or toward life in general. I also see too many singles get attached to countless other beliefs such as “all the good ones are taken” etc. etc. (see my blog post on limiting beliefs – here). Attachment to these beliefs reflects the mind’s struggle in response to challenge; letting go, particularly regarding outcomes, is key to being peaceful. And yet we get so caught up in our yearnings, such as the idea that we must be in a partnership to be happy, that we can’t see the trap we’re setting.

Listen, I know it’s HARD to stay in a spiritual zone when recovering from a breakup or when we’re out there dating and looking for our ideal partner, or even when we’re intimately involved with someone. Fear of vulnerability, as well as self-doubt and low self-esteem issues, can shake our foundations and all of our learnings can often fly out the window. And yet this is the precise time to rely on our spiritual practices, to not only move us toward enlightenment, but to attract and co-create empowered relationships.

The key is to practice – learn to recognize attachment, the cause of your suffering.

Up Next: what a spiritually “evolved” or empowered relationship looks like and how to attract a spiritual partner.